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how would you feel?
8 Answers
OK this is quite involved but here goes.
Earlier this year my cousin got married and I wasn't invited where's everyone else including my mum were. I was told it was due to numbers, I could understand her not inviting me to the ceremony as we are not overly close but I would have liked to go the reception. Mum told me that there was plenty of room at both venues and she quite angry about it as was obviously not true about the numbers, to top that not a single person asked after me.
However what really hurts me is that my cousin's mum had terminal cancer and it was clear she did not have long left to live so we all knew this would be last time we could all be together. My Aunt has since died and I never had the chance to see her one last time. I went to the funeral, but felt I could not go to the gathering afterwards as I did feel I would be welcome (if I am not at her wedding why her mothers funeral?) I also felt it was the most respectful thing to do for them. Apparently though this has not gone down well with other members of the family.
Now I have no idea where this has all come from. I am not a load mouth who gets drunk at family do's and we have never fallen out. We've have never been close but that is more to do with distance than anything else. The last time I saw her and all my other cousins was last year and we had a great time together (I thought).
Could it be that I didn't go and visit her mum when she was ill? I was asked not to unless asked. My mum, cousins and other aunts went to see her, but went on a day I honestly couldn't go with them. I also didn't cal them, but gain I was told not to, so I thought I was doing the right thing. Do you think that could be it?
My problem now is I have just received an invite to another Aunts birthday in July, and have no idea if I should go or not? I still feel really hurt by it all and part of me feels I can not face them all ever again.
Earlier this year my cousin got married and I wasn't invited where's everyone else including my mum were. I was told it was due to numbers, I could understand her not inviting me to the ceremony as we are not overly close but I would have liked to go the reception. Mum told me that there was plenty of room at both venues and she quite angry about it as was obviously not true about the numbers, to top that not a single person asked after me.
However what really hurts me is that my cousin's mum had terminal cancer and it was clear she did not have long left to live so we all knew this would be last time we could all be together. My Aunt has since died and I never had the chance to see her one last time. I went to the funeral, but felt I could not go to the gathering afterwards as I did feel I would be welcome (if I am not at her wedding why her mothers funeral?) I also felt it was the most respectful thing to do for them. Apparently though this has not gone down well with other members of the family.
Now I have no idea where this has all come from. I am not a load mouth who gets drunk at family do's and we have never fallen out. We've have never been close but that is more to do with distance than anything else. The last time I saw her and all my other cousins was last year and we had a great time together (I thought).
Could it be that I didn't go and visit her mum when she was ill? I was asked not to unless asked. My mum, cousins and other aunts went to see her, but went on a day I honestly couldn't go with them. I also didn't cal them, but gain I was told not to, so I thought I was doing the right thing. Do you think that could be it?
My problem now is I have just received an invite to another Aunts birthday in July, and have no idea if I should go or not? I still feel really hurt by it all and part of me feels I can not face them all ever again.
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i think you are making a big fuss over nothing - when they said "numbers" it could be that they didnt want to pay for you to come, after all weddings are expensive and if you have to invite every cousin, you also have to pay for a meal for them. Its an impossible situation to be in, deciding who is in and who is out especially on a limited budget. it might be that the groom had 57 cousins, so they made a rule "no cousins" dosent sound like you see them much anyway, so its hardly a loss to you.
as for the dying mum thing, how would it have looked to her that she was dying, its a time she wants to see you and you dont go with everyone else? You say you "genuinely couldn't go" If the woman means that much to you, what stopped you? you cant have it both ways. Did she die directly after the wedding? if not, i cant see how you could say it was your last chance to see her. Seems to me like you are being a big baby, and creating the bad feeling yourself
as for the dying mum thing, how would it have looked to her that she was dying, its a time she wants to see you and you dont go with everyone else? You say you "genuinely couldn't go" If the woman means that much to you, what stopped you? you cant have it both ways. Did she die directly after the wedding? if not, i cant see how you could say it was your last chance to see her. Seems to me like you are being a big baby, and creating the bad feeling yourself
You sound a lovely understanding and caring person....and meanies are taking advantage of your kindness.
Be true to yourself; attend the things you are invited to and want to......refuse if ur uncomfortable, say y you refused if asked. Don't beat yourself up over others stupidity, remember the slights they've given you and turn heel.
You will get your chance to 'hurt' others likewise, in your future!
Be true to yourself; attend the things you are invited to and want to......refuse if ur uncomfortable, say y you refused if asked. Don't beat yourself up over others stupidity, remember the slights they've given you and turn heel.
You will get your chance to 'hurt' others likewise, in your future!
I've just read through your post again and can't believe that you didn't go to the gathering after your Aunts funeral just because you hadn't been invited to your cousins wedding. It sounds to me like you have a big chip on your shoulder. Maybe you think that you are somehow inferior to the rest of your family and are just looking for a feud. Get over it, you weren't snubbed because of who you are, they just couldn't afford to invite everyone to the wedding. Go to the birthday, and do make sure you tell your cousin how upset you were that you didn't get to see her Mother before she died and tell her how much you will miss her. Make amends now or you will become the black sheep of the family.
Firstly thank you for all of your replies.
I honestly could not go to see my Aunt as I had an exam via work. I asked to sit it at another time and was refused. I also asked if I could see my Aunt any other time and was refused. I have been told this was not an issue with my aunt or my uncle and the two other sisters, so this was conjecture and trying to see it from my cousin�s point of view.
That is the problem I really don't believe the non invite to the wedding was money/numbers related as all the other cousins (3 including me) and partners did go and they are no closer than I am. I was not worried about it all until I was told everyone was actually there which is not what I or my mum were told beforehand.
I was never angry at all; just hurt (my mum was/is angry). The last thing I want is a feud and I do regret not going to my aunts gathering but I genuinely felt it was the best thing to do, not for me but for them so I did not do it out of spite, but I can see how it could read that way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I guess.
I think I will go to my aunts b'day. I will smile and be warm and see what happens, hopefully they will feel the same as I do and we can put all of this behind us.
Again thank you all, its good to hear different views to put it all into perspective.
I honestly could not go to see my Aunt as I had an exam via work. I asked to sit it at another time and was refused. I also asked if I could see my Aunt any other time and was refused. I have been told this was not an issue with my aunt or my uncle and the two other sisters, so this was conjecture and trying to see it from my cousin�s point of view.
That is the problem I really don't believe the non invite to the wedding was money/numbers related as all the other cousins (3 including me) and partners did go and they are no closer than I am. I was not worried about it all until I was told everyone was actually there which is not what I or my mum were told beforehand.
I was never angry at all; just hurt (my mum was/is angry). The last thing I want is a feud and I do regret not going to my aunts gathering but I genuinely felt it was the best thing to do, not for me but for them so I did not do it out of spite, but I can see how it could read that way. Hindsight is a wonderful thing I guess.
I think I will go to my aunts b'day. I will smile and be warm and see what happens, hopefully they will feel the same as I do and we can put all of this behind us.
Again thank you all, its good to hear different views to put it all into perspective.
Good girl !! put it behind you and go to the birthday, have a great time and put the past where it belongs.
as to the wedding, I would have gone to the ceremony as that is a public event if in a church and invites are not required. The reception is private and by invitation and this is what costs the money. I have been to see many friends and neighbours married but not been invited to the actuall celebrations and they have all been pleased I took the time to attend. Families have strange ways and it is best to just go along with it and not rock the boat. Family feuds are always blown up over the silliest of misunderstandings so best to forgive and forget.
Funerals are again a function which is not by invitation but for individuals to go to and pay their respects. My daddy died earlier this year. My mother and I did not send out invites, but the church was packed full of people and I must admit I did not know 60 percent of them. It was lovely to see that so many people gave up their time to come and my mother and I were very touched and grateful.
so go out and don't hold grudges, and tell your mum to do the same. Life is far too short.
as to the wedding, I would have gone to the ceremony as that is a public event if in a church and invites are not required. The reception is private and by invitation and this is what costs the money. I have been to see many friends and neighbours married but not been invited to the actuall celebrations and they have all been pleased I took the time to attend. Families have strange ways and it is best to just go along with it and not rock the boat. Family feuds are always blown up over the silliest of misunderstandings so best to forgive and forget.
Funerals are again a function which is not by invitation but for individuals to go to and pay their respects. My daddy died earlier this year. My mother and I did not send out invites, but the church was packed full of people and I must admit I did not know 60 percent of them. It was lovely to see that so many people gave up their time to come and my mother and I were very touched and grateful.
so go out and don't hold grudges, and tell your mum to do the same. Life is far too short.
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