Crosswords1 min ago
Apologies to those with Irish genes!
Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up!.
Paddy shouting frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "for god sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail.
A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth are ye doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Paddy sees a letter among the mail on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends an hour figuring out how he can pick it up!.
Paddy shouting frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Paddy was driving home, drunk as lord, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "for god sake Paddy, it's your air freshener swinging about!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail.
A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth are ye doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
Answers
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What does it say on the top of an Irish ladder?
Stop!
What did the Irishman call his pet zebra?
Spot!
What does it say inside an Irish coffin?
"Danger of death, keep out"!
Why can't the Irish make ice cubes any more?
They have lost the recipe!
What does it say on the bottom of an Irish beer bottle?
"Open other end"
Do they have an Irish AnswerBank in Ireland?
Stop!
What did the Irishman call his pet zebra?
Spot!
What does it say inside an Irish coffin?
"Danger of death, keep out"!
Why can't the Irish make ice cubes any more?
They have lost the recipe!
What does it say on the bottom of an Irish beer bottle?
"Open other end"
Do they have an Irish AnswerBank in Ireland?
Paddy goes into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness, he takes them to a table and takes a sip from each pint till he has finished then leaves. The same thing happens the next week and the barman says "You know the beer goes off if its left you should buy them one at a time"
"Oh no," says Paddy,"I have got to drink them this way you see my two best mates have emigrated and I promised I would come in every week and enjoy a drink to remember them."
"Well thats really nice" says the barman. A few weeks later Paddy arrives and orders 2 pints, the whole pub notices and it goes very quiet. Eventually the barman goes over to Paddy"We notice you have only the two pints Paddy, has one of your friends passed away?" "Oh no," says Paddy,"its me Ive given up the drink"
"Oh no," says Paddy,"I have got to drink them this way you see my two best mates have emigrated and I promised I would come in every week and enjoy a drink to remember them."
"Well thats really nice" says the barman. A few weeks later Paddy arrives and orders 2 pints, the whole pub notices and it goes very quiet. Eventually the barman goes over to Paddy"We notice you have only the two pints Paddy, has one of your friends passed away?" "Oh no," says Paddy,"its me Ive given up the drink"
Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.
As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.
A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.
Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your damned ice cream!'
As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.
A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.
Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your damned ice cream!'
1 to 5 of 5
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