No Hiding Place

Canary42 | 12:04 Mon 18th May 2020 | Jokes

2 Answers

Me (on telephone): Is this Gordon's Pizza?

Google: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

Me: I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

Google: No sir, Google bought up Gordon’s Pizza last month.

Me: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Google: Do you want your usual, sir?

Me: My usual? You know me?

Google: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

Me: OK! That’s what I want ...

Google: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, rocket, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

Me: What? I detest vegetables

Google: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

Me: How the hell do you know ?

Google: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Me: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Google: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased just the one box of 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugs RuS, 4 months ago.

Me: I bought more from another drugstore.

Google: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

Me: I paid in cash.

Google: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

Me: I have other sources of cash.

Google: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

Me: WHAT THE HELL!

Google: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Me: Enough! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, Instagram and all the others. I'm going to a remote island without internet, no cable TV, no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

Google: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago......