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excelsior-1 | 21:01 Sun 25th May 2014 | Jokes
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When paying for a taxi, do not look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

Protaganist can always find inspiration/motivation for the big challenge from dead best friends or dead family members.

James Bond never gets an STI.

Dogs and children know immediately that someone is the bad guy.

Good guys never get shot in the face and no matter how grievously injured, always live long enough to say a few words.

No matter how pointless to the plot, the male and female leads will have to have a bedroom scene.

All gratings covering the entry to a ventilation system will come off with only a tug (no screws), and the shaft is always horizontal and big enough for adults to crawl through.

Any group of pathetically inept losers with a boozy but lovable old coach will eventually win the sports championship.

No one ever forgets a telephone number, even if it was only communicated in the middle of a gunfight or car chase.

At least one scientist is from an oriental background.

People hack into computers by incessantly typing on the keyboard. Even though they don't appear to be working in DOS mode, they never use the mouse.

Sadistic killers are also witty stand-up comedians specialising in one-liners.

Bombs are always defused within the last three seconds, never at twelve or twenty seven.

A 'hunch' is always correct.

When someone steals a car, the drivers seat is always in the correct position.

Any fight at a wedding reception will always result in someone crashing into the wedding cake.

There is always a gun in reach when you fall onto the ground.

When the hero is running and the bad guys are shooting at him with a machine gun, the bullets will consistently hit the ground just behind his feet. This is because it's impossible to swivel a machine gun as quickly as the hero is running.

In car chases the hero car just avoids the woman pushing the pram across the road. Then it crashes through lots of market stalls (usually fruit and vegetable stalls), destroying the livelihoods of perfectly innocent hard-working people but never actually killing any of them.

A scrapbook, containing all the villain's crimes and killings, is always stumbled across by the hero, typically under a bare lightbulb in the killer's basement.

When the lead detective has a meeting with his team, it is always productive and completed in seconds or minutes. Every one contributes vital pieces of information and the conversation flows flawlessly with everyone possessing super intelligence and quick thinking abilities.

Passengers always exit the taxicab and then pay the driver through his window.

Just as the hero and villains fight ends, with the hero winning, about a dozen police cars show up.

When about to have sex, clothes melt seamlessly off bodies. No one ever needs to sit down and take off shoes and socks.

Whenever anyone receives a phone call in the middle of the night, it's always 2, 3 or 4am. Exactly.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

Getaway cars never start first time. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.

All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags.

Cars never need fuel (unless they are involved in a pursuit).

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Lol. And women look beautiful when they cry.
21:11 Sun 25th May 2014
Horses can be trained like that though...
-women can run in high heels
-everybody knows which dance it is
-nobody ever needs the toilet
- hair stays in style overnight
- couples don't jump into a shower together and go "for *** sake- who used all the hot water!"
If the film involves an old British motor bike it always starts on the first kick, no one ever as to bump start it.
The cops never miss when shooting at the tyres of the baddies car.
If someone ventures off the main highway, they are always heading for a whole load of trouble.
^I'm talking American there.
The baddie runs out of the house being chased by the good guy - baddie jumps on a motor cycle - and yes there is always another motor cycle there for the good guy to give chase on



When anyone gets punched in the face, a shake of the head is all that's needed for them to recover.
...except the fight scene in Bridget Jones- that was funny!
In Westerns the cavalry hide out of sight so that they arrive after the hero has seen off the Indians.
A timer on a bomb has a stutter device, so that the final 60 seconds last three minutes in real time.
A couple rip each others' clothes off to have sex, even though the storyline has omitted to tell you they are obviously both just out of jail after a long stretch.
In time travel to a land that time forgot because it no longer exists, the hero happens to arrive there just the day before the dormant volcano decides to erupt.
Always turn your back on the bad guy before you make sure he's dead, so that the director can squeeze one more scary scene out of it.
Those being pursued are agoraphobic, and figure they have a better chance of surviving by running from Main Street into a deserted building.
In pitch darkness, any improvised light whatsoever will illuminate the entire environment.
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