Only In The Movies

[excelsior-1]

When paying for a taxi, do not look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

Protaganist can always find inspiration/motivation for the big challenge from dead best friends or dead family members.

James Bond never gets an STI.

Dogs and children know immediately that someone is the bad guy.

Good guys never get shot in the face and no matter how grievously injured, always live long enough to say a few words.

No matter how pointless to the plot, the male and female leads will have to have a bedroom scene.

All gratings covering the entry to a ventilation system will come off with only a tug (no screws), and the shaft is always horizontal and big enough for adults to crawl through.

Any group of pathetically inept losers with a boozy but lovable old coach will eventually win the sports championship.

No one ever forgets a telephone number, even if it was only communicated in the middle of a gunfight or car chase.

At least one scientist is from an oriental background.

People hack into computers by incessantly typing on the keyboard. Even though they don't appear to be working in DOS mode, they never use the mouse.

Sadistic killers are also witty stand-up comedians specialising in one-liners.

Bombs are always defused within the last three seconds, never at twelve or twenty seven.

A 'hunch' is always correct.

When someone steals a car, the drivers seat is always in the correct position.

Any fight at a wedding reception will always result in someone crashing into the wedding cake.

There is always a gun in reach when you fall onto the ground.

When the hero is running and the bad guys are shooting at him with a machine gun, the bullets will consistently hit the ground just behind his feet. This is because it's impossible to swivel a machine gun as quickly as the hero is running.

In car chases the hero car just avoids the woman pushing the pram across the road. Then it crashes through lots of market stalls (usually fruit and vegetable stalls), destroying the livelihoods of perfectly innocent hard-working people but never actually killing any of them.

A scrapbook, containing all the villain's crimes and killings, is always stumbled across by the hero, typically under a bare lightbulb in the killer's basement.

When the lead detective has a meeting with his team, it is always productive and completed in seconds or minutes. Every one contributes vital pieces of information and the conversation flows flawlessly with everyone possessing super intelligence and quick thinking abilities.

Passengers always exit the taxicab and then pay the driver through his window.

Just as the hero and villains fight ends, with the hero winning, about a dozen police cars show up.

When about to have sex, clothes melt seamlessly off bodies. No one ever needs to sit down and take off shoes and socks.

Whenever anyone receives a phone call in the middle of the night, it's always 2, 3 or 4am. Exactly.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

Getaway cars never start first time. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.

All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags.

Cars never need fuel (unless they are involved in a pursuit).

[Svejk]

now you tell me, I've spent hours ringing those numbers. ;-(

[andy-hughes]

necio - "...and when the hero knocks out the guard and puts on his uniform, it always fits perfectly..."

a fair point, and one cledarly observed by Steven Spielberg.

If you recall, Indiana Jones clobbers a Nazi guard and steals his uniform, only to find that the jacket is too small, which necesitates clobbering another one.

A nice tongue-in-cheek nod to a classic scenario.

[sandyRoe]

And car chases seldom, if ever, run into traffic congestion.

[emmie]

no one calls 911 or 999 when hearing strange noises in the house, they always go up stairs to look, or down into the cellar, thereby killing the story stone dead.

[pixie373]

And people are naked in bed together all night, but wrap a sheet around them when they get up.

[tonyav]

Actress has a shower yet it doesn't wash their make up off.

[aelmpvw]

mobiles can never get a signal three miles from civilisation ...

[Tilly2]

.......and you are looking at her face, Yont. Gerroutofit!

[tonyav]

Doh.

[McMouse]

You never see a horse shot dead in a western and they never leave dung in the street.

[emmie]

in soaps no one actually works or pays for anything, the sweet factory in emmerdale would have closed or in fact never got off the ground as the staff are continually on a break, or having time off because the daughter, son, husband, or wife, is up in court for some heinous crime,
everyone shags everyone else, more inbreeding than good ole backwoods, hillbillies, no one sleeps or watches tv, farts or scratches their bum, scrotum. Coffee/tea is always drunk boiling hot, no burnt lips strange that, no one reads a paper or watches the news, a more isolated bunch of misfits you couldn't wish to meet, as to the animals, loveable, friendly, never bite someone's hand, ankle, or arse, the postman seems to have gone for good, so no one gets any bills, so no need to have money.

[Tilly2]

I'm sure I saw a cowboy film where a horse had to be shot.

[tonyav]

And when they don't tie the horse to a tree or post the horse never walks or runs away.

[emmie]

when the cowboy races up to jump on the horse it doesn't move a muscle.

[naomi24]

Car drivers take their eyes off the road for lengthy periods of time to have a chat with their passenger and still manage to drive safely.

[Tilly2]

.....and the driver keeps turning the steering wheel, even on the straightest roads.

[Bazile]

Dont forget when someone dials a number, someone answers , one second later after they finished dialling

[Tilly2]

People's favourite animals always die.

[tonyav]

Everbody seems to be able to hold their breath underwater for at least 5 minutes.

[Tilly2]

Everbody greets everybody else with, 'Hey'.