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Yule Laugh! - The Answerbank's Christmas Cracker Jokes

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AB Editor | 13:52 Wed 04th Dec 2013 | Jokes
26 Answers
What's the grammatical term for Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas dance?
Because he had no body to go with!

One snowman talking to another paused and said "can you smell carrots?"

What's the Duke of Edinburgh's middle name?
Of.

What flies and wobbles?
A Jellycopter.

What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?
A Walkie-Talkie.

What part of the fish didn't Napoleon like?
The "bony part".

What do you get if you cross a detective with a skeleton?
Sherlock Bones.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes ?
A nervous wreck.

What's green, square, has 4 legs and would hurt if it fell on you from a tree?
A pool table.

What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.

How do you catch a monkey?
Hang upside down in a tree and make a noise like a banana.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.

Who lives in the sea and sings 'Gimme the Moonlight'
Frankie Prawn.

What did the policeman say to the Mince Spy?
You're under a vest.

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen.

How do you confuse an Irish man?
Show him 2 shovels and tell him to take his pick.

What has one wheel and hums?
A wheelbarrow full of manure.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk...

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
Annette.

What's Santa's favourite Pizza
One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink?
Bourneville and Dean.

What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut.

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us!

What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell.

What do you call a man with a pole through his leg?
Rodney.

What do you call a man with brown paper trousers and a car on his head?
Jack Russell.

Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
He's a fun guy.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
He had low elf-esteem.

Who was England's first chiropodist?
William the Corncurer.

Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives?
Because the Bible says He Brews.

What's the longest word in the English language?
Smiles, because there is a "mile" between the first and the last letters.

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

What's the difference between Bahrain and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Bahrain don't like the Flintstones, whereas the people of Abu Dhabi do!

What has 4 wheels and flies?
A dustbin lorry.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

Which side of a chicken has more feathers?
The outside!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?
"I don't like Brussels sprouts!"

What do you call 2 men on a wall over a window?
Kurt n Rod.

Christmas - Because getting socks at any other time of year is just silly!

How does an Eskimo make his house?
'e glues it together.

Why is hunting on horses the sport of kings?
'Cos they have long reins.

What do you call an Irish joiners daughter?
Patio doors.

How do you say 'hungry horse' in 4 letters?
M T G G

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

What is the best Xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

What do snowmen where on their heads?
Ice caps!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!

What do you call a lady balancing a pint of Guinness on her head?
Beatrix (Beer Tricks)

What do you call a lady balancing a pint of Guinness on her head playing snooker?
Beatrix Potter

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

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Was reading these out to my 8 yr old daughter, she loved them.

She would like to contribute one from a panto:

What is furry and explodes?

A baboom!
bye bye. i've now managed to fasten the rope over the beam. . . . . . i may be some little while. . . . . .
-- answer removed --
What do you get when you cross a cat with a chemist? - Puss in boots

What has eight arms and tells the time? - A Clocktopus

What's green and goes dah-dit, dah-dah, dah-dit? - Morse Toad
while we're on the subject of corny cheesey jokes.
whats black+white and read all over?
a newspaper
What's the favorite Christmas song in a Berlin lunatic asylum?
God Rest you Gerry Mental Men .

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