A few more short ones

starone | 00:37 Fri 02nd Mar 2012 | Jokes

5 Answers

When in India recently I saw a sign that said: 'English speaking taxi driver'.
I thought to myself 'What a brilliant idea... why don't we have them in Rochdale?'

My girlfriend and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said. Being the nice fellow I am, I thought: "Bugger it, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water" says the priest. The trooper says "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other Finance Specialist using my stuff". She looked at me and said "What makes you think I'd marry another Finance Specialist.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and was so overcome with her beauty and charm that he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said "That was incredible!" He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal".