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painterman32 | 14:54 Mon 04th Jul 2011 | Jokes
17 Answers
> A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
> When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
>
> I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed
> him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
> was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
> coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
> thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
>
> I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
> could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
> >
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
> our local pet shop and they were £70! Blow this, I thought, I
> can get one cheaper off the web.
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
>
> Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield -
> 3.1415927 dead
>
> I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind
> a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a
> sh1t."
>
> Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with
> their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that
> was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
>
> Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
> "What's the matter?" I asked.
> "I've got the big C, "he said.
> "What, cancer?"
> "No, dyslexia."
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move..
>
>>
> I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
> was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
> myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
>
> >
> The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused
> from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to
> warn him.

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ha , ha very good
Excellent.
Is it me - but I don't get the one about Huddersfield

I loved the rest - thank you
A funny thing happened to me on Answerbank tonight. I laughed at all these jokes. Very funny, have you got any more of these; we could all do with a laugh.
Very good :)
Love them, exactly my sort of jokes. Thanks for the laugh
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Huddersfield one - Pie as in Pi - the mathmatical equasion - you might know it as 22/7 or 3.1415 etc.
Very funny.Brilliant one-liners.
Love the one-liners.
Thank you painterman I feel really silly now
Thanks for the laughs - best I've heard for ages.
Watch Tim Vine on you-tube. As good as Tommy Cooper.
That's a lovely avatar, sailor. I'm sure it used to be on the packets of Player's cigarettes when I was a kid.
Plautus - was it not on Senior Service and not Players?
I have a packet of Senior Service in front of me as I type (yes, you can still buy them), and it shows a three-masted sailing ship. I'm sure the bearded sailor was Player's but the memory sometimes plays tricks.
Plautus - apologies. I've never smoked so memory going obviously.
Yep. Definitely Players full-strength untipped. I smoked them back in the day.

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