Grandaughter Problems

[fruitsalad]

As some of you may already know our Grandaughter of  13 years nearly 14 lives with us, today I found a vape in her bedroom drawer, and she was told to come home at a certain time today, rolls in 2 hours later, she doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong, I have now arranged with her Mother that she goes home a couple of days a week, to give us, well, me a rest, Grandaughter doesn't like the idea, but I've just about had enough OH doesn't say a word to her just sits there like a muppet, all the discipline is left to me, I'm sure it's not helping with my health, am I wrong to feel I would just like to walk away

If I was younger I wouldn't hesitate.

[david small]

You've been lumbered, and rightly feel unhappy. Send he back to her mother, not your responsibility.

[albaqwerty]

No, you're not wrong, imo it's completely understandable.  You could do with some help and support and you're getting neither.

I'd suggest you be a little bit more 'selfish' and for at least 3 months. 

[calmck]

Does she get pocket money to buy vapes? Stop pocket money.

She needs limits set. If she is not home when she should be there must be consequences. Best threat no phone

[seekeerz]

Is there a valid reason why this little madam couldn't go back to her mother on a permanent basis ? 

[SlackAlice]

Tell her "your house, your rules". If she cannot accept that then send her back to her Mothers

[DDIL]

You should feel no guilt whatsoever.

Your house your rules!

If I remember correctly you are keeping her and paying for everything. Its time the parents took responsibility for their offspring.

[barry1010]

I can't imagine how this child feels knowing her parents either don't want her or can't be bothered to get in to a position to look after her full time.

You need a break, insist her mother looks after her for at least a few weeks, then reassess the situation. 

[scorpiojo]

Is her mother still claiming benefits for your granddaughter?

[fruitsalad]

Seekeerz her Mother likes a drink puts her bf before anyone else, and has another small child.

Calmck yes she has pocket money on a debit card, she doesn't have the cash.

Scorp yes she still claims all the child benefit as soon as I mention it the mother says she will have to come back and live permanently, which in one way would be good for me, but not for my Grandaughter.

 

I'm  between a rock and a hard place 

I have said she's got to go home now for half of the week and can spend the other half here.

But if the behaviour continues, although it would hurt me very much, she will have to go back to her Mother for good.

[scorpiojo]

I understand what a difficult situation you are in, fruit.

Have you told her that she will be unable to stay with you if this behaviour continues?

I've had a look at a benefits calculator, and her mum could be receiving @ £300 per month for her daughter. Does she not give you anything towards her basic keep, or contribute to clothes/school uniform etc?

[Cloverjo]

It's time for the father to step up and look after his daughter if the mother can't/won't. I think you said previously that he has a small child too, and that he doesn't have space for her. Well, he needs to find it. 

You have done all you can for the girl, and now you are suffering too. It's a difficult age for her, but you shouldn't be the only one to deal with it. 

[jourdain2]

I'll repeat what others have said.  You are the adult. This is your house. She is a child.  Your house = your decisions = your rules.  Stick to it.

She toes the line or you speak to her mother and ship her out.

Unsurprised that her Grandpa just sits there.  He won't know what to do but will vaguely feel that he should do something. If you straightforwardly put a proposed course of action to him he would probably be relieved and join you.

If her mother doesn't want her back ( a possibility ) then your hand is strengthened. That is your ultimate weapon.

Sorry, but you are in the position of laying down your rules - or accepting being walked over (which is not good life training).

[Canary42]

You are in a very difficult position with nobody on your side. I think you need professional help (try CAB for starters perhaps - unfortunately I'm no expert). I expect the girl is mixing with a peer group whose parents find this behaviour (vaping, late nights) acceptable so she can't grasp why you don't like it. 

[calmck]

Seeing as how you get nothing from the mother and the child could be at risk from a peer group how about a call to Social Services. You need help. Temporary foster care to give you a break. Mandatory payment of child support to you by bank transfer. Concern for welfare of the other child.

[calmck]

Take the debit card away or put a stop on it or set minimum allowed withdrawal

[Khandro]

It sounds as though nothing will change as long as you keep supporting the status quo. 

If I (repeat I) was in your position I would go on 'strike' and give them all a shock. A withdrawal of all 'services' until everyone concerned addresses reality because the situation will not get any better spontaneously, it will only get worse. 

How you can do this depends on your circumstances.  

[fruitsalad]

Her Dad pays us for her keep, but works away, he sees her as often as he can, he doesn't have another child clover, also we have had words with her yes 'we' Grandad has spoken up, now he has seen how upset it made me,  she changes her attitude, this is her last chance, to prove herself or she moves back in with her Mother for good.

[barry1010]

You obviusly love your granddaughter so I can understand how difficult it must be to even think about sending her back to her mother's, knowing she is not welcome there.

I hope things have settled down