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Am I In The Wrong With How I've Treated My Stepkids?

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Selfishnoodles | 12:55 Mon 21st Feb 2022 | Family & Relationships
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So this story is super long and convoluted but I'll try be as clear as I can.

I met my husband A in October 2010, he had two baby momma's with 3 kids between the. The mother of the youngest 2 kids is called J, she reckons they were back together when he met me - he says they weren't but nevertheless he started a relationship with myself. At this time their kids were 1 and 10 months old.

After being together a few months J sent me a *** message on FB saying that she knew he didn't want to see the kids but could he pay for them, I told her not to contact me again. Yeh he wasn't seeing them but she was refusing to let him bring me and he didn't want to go unless I could. Since she was being so unreasonable and insane and angry all the time we decided after a few months to make plans to move to Canada. As usual J was furious but we saved up and moved there in June 2011. She actually let him bring me to see them before we left and though we brought them back early we had a great day (they were 1 and 2 at that point).
We moved to Canada with the plan being to return every 3 months to see the kids but it didn't work out like that with work and us wanting our own family, so in December 2011 we started trying for a baby and our first child was born the following year.
One thing I need to be honest about, when A was with J he had a terrible cocaine problem and nearly died. She bullied him off it for a while but the truth is he never stopped and he would often abandon me and our kids to party all weekend as well. He lied to J about his drug use though and represented that he was no longer doing it, tbh he would brag to her about how amazing our life and love was and I appreciate that probably didn't help matters.
We returned to the UK a few times and he didn't see his kids with J due to being on sessions. She was again insanely angry and wouldn't shut up about it. Basically he went 6.5 years without seeing them until we returned to the UK (this was meant to be temporary but ended up being permanent) with our four kids. A continued to have drug issues and though she let him see the kids he would often mess it up resulting in her refusing access as of 18 months ago unless we go through court which we can't afford, and tbh don't want to do because she's just going to rehash the past.
My husband went into rehab 9 months ago and has been clean since but this is my 'am I the *** part'- I get why she's angry at HIM, but why is she so angry at ME?? He paid for them a few years after we went to Canada and hasn't missed a single payment, she's messaged me a LOT going mental because I don't send her kids birthday cards or anything and I've never reached out to her it's always her talking to me first etc. She's mad because I never told her about his drug use and she thinks she had a right to know she was handing her kids to an active drug addict but I KNOW for a FACT they were never in danger when with him IMO. She's mad I never sent cards or presents or asked after them, she's mad we had 4 more kids in the 6.5 years he didn't see theirs but that's not on me surely?? Surely I'm entitled to have my own children?? She says when I became their step mother I took on a moral obligation to put her kids first and she thinks I'm 'stupid and selfish' because I didn't look at how he treated her and didn't say or so anything or tell her anything and let him blame her and lie to her. Tbf though she is SOOOOOO angry. She reached out to me again and complained I never contact her, she complained I seem to have zero regard for her kids, she complains that I've lied and defended him to her but he's my HUSBAND what does she expect?? I stayed right out of it because it's not my responsibility to sort out access for other people's kids?? And I just thought they'd sort it out one day and I'd just see them then but my husband just ignores her when she offers access to the kids now- why is she so mad at ME???

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Don't forget they are your stepkids but they are your children's half-siblings. When you chose to get involved with a man who already had children you should have been prepared to take them as part of the package. His ex is angry because your children have a father but her's don't.
14:45 Mon 21st Feb 2022
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Time to confess- I am not his wife- I am the mother of the two sweet and beautiful abandoned children. My ex tells me that my friends agree with me because they're my friends so I thought I'd try a bunch of strangers instead. I posted as his wife using her arguments from our emails (tbf she did word them very politely) to diminish the potential of any further bias from people responding. I have been completely fair in my descriptions and this situation is 100% genuine unfortunately. I apologise for the misrepresentations but I felt it was a good way to get total honesty. Your answers were gratefully received and I appreciate them all good or bad. I've tried explaining to his wife why her behaviour has been cruel but she is not interested in listening to me tbh but that's fine. Thanks again!!
Your husband is responsible for abandoning his partners and his children. He can't compensate for that with just the money.

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