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I Don't Love My Parents

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riddlezzzaskzz | 06:32 Fri 03rd Jul 2020 | Family
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Why have I never nor do I want to say I love you to my parents. I've never had very meaningful conversations with either of them even though i've tried to. My mom has said it to me a few times and is always expecting a response but I truly don't feel that way about her. She is the "I wish you were never born"...next day: "I love you" type of mom... Is something wrong with me? I have tried for years to repair our relationship but every time it fails. What do I do? I want to bond with my mother but every time it ends in an argument even when I try to be non-judgemental. It seems like she puts in no effort to repair our relationship. Any advice?

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I am immediately wondering how old you are......couple of thoughts come into my head.... I was not a great lover of my parents during my teens...I left home at 18 and suddenly I understood my parents more and we did start to have a far better relationship. I can't say that I was ever massively close to them but that sort of relationship can't be forced IMO. If you are older then it may be that you have nothing really in common in terms of interests etc and that is fine too...they will still be your parents and it may well be that closer relationships develop as your own life experiences grow (like you becoming a parent). All relationships are different. My experiences are not yours but equally they are not my brothers either. Accept how you feel at the moment and see how things change (or not) as you all age. Do not feel ever that your family has to be like families on tv..eg Little house on the Prairie! Some people have horrendous times with their parents
Move on in life is my advice.
But never forget where you came from.
When I was growing up I pondered why my parents were so dumb.
When I matured I was amazed how much my parents had learn't in such a little time.
It is worth bearing in mind that there is enormous social pressure going around toward becoming a parent, particularly on females who in turn place it on their husbands/partners/boyfriends who sometimes but not always go along with it. There is, as MallyJ has alluded to, also a social myth going around that becoming a parent is a sort of passage into heaven, especially the absurd romanticism surrounding motherhood - it/they is/are not. This has undoubtedly resulted in a significant proportion of the population (arguably more males than females) becoming parents with a hindsight of having been duped/trapped. This in turn can be expected to colour both the relationship between the two parents as well as between parent(s) and offspring.

MallyJ's comments and advice are in my opinion quite appropriate. I would add that, since you are a female, you learn from your own experience. Never ever contrive to become pregnant without the clear and fully confirmed understanding and agreement of your male contributor of the seed, and also well in advance of the deed, preferably repeatedly over a period of months so that there is absolutely no doubt as to what both of you want and will aim for. Additionally, it is well established and you may well know of examples yourself, that children fare better in a family with both parents than separated ones. You should give careful thought as to how committed you are to indefinitely living with the father and he with you or else you risk putting your child at a disadvantage. I am not advocating people stay together in an unhappy relationship ("for the sake of the children"), on the contrary.

There are people who grew up with only their mother plus some sporadic contact with their father - such individuals often/usually share a certain history and outlook on life. There are women who discover that they really are not that taken with motherhood, never mind what it did to the lower half of their bodies - their children often/usually end up sharing a certain set of personality characteristics, as the other set also do.

There are perceived stereotypes of families and individuals - they are far from being realistically applicable across society. Live your life as you are and accept that what you have is what it is. If your relationship with your parents is less than what you would like it to be then try to accept it as it is. If you need to put a distance between them and you then do that. By all means tell them you are unhappy if that is the case but be careful to do so carefully and at an appropriate time - you might find the best way is to simply ask if they are content with things as they are. Be careful not to load your perceptions too heavily onto them, theirs are almost certainly different.

One thing I would predict: When, as one would normally expect to be the order in which things happen, they die, you will feel a loss. When we lose our parents something profound happens - after all, they are the only people who have always been in our lives and on whom we recollect very heavily depending on.
You say you don't love them, but sometimes it's difficult to understand or acknowledge how you feel. And love isn't clearly defined, what with it being an emotion. Ask yourself how you'd feel if you lost them and were left alone. Miss them and their support ?

Maybe stop trying so hard and just try to get along. Once the relationship has improved on a friendship level, and you're more confident, then you can consider if you can honestly respond as your mother would like.
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