Singledom

[beanebabe]

Please help, I am going crazy with bitterness towards my otherhalf. I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years. I left him after 5 years as I was flogging a dead horse but he threatened to kill himself if I didn't go back to him. Here we are another 15 years down the line and we have 2 children and he still refuses to marry me. I feel as though there is more stigma attached to being an unmarried Mum as there is to being a single one. I flinch everytime I have to use my name and the kids name together. I am now expected to give up everything and move 200 miles away because his job is moving. Our relationship is generally ok, we hardly ever argue, are financially stable and have similar interests. He lost his father 4 months ago and has a huge amount of stress at work. Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit more stability or should I be happy with my lot.

[bednobs]

There is no stigma in either being a single mum or an unmarried mum nowadays

[tenrec]

Why does he refuse to marry you?

[sherrardk]

Could you change your children's surnames to double-barrel surnames if it is such a concern to you?

[welshlibranr]

tell him how you feel!....if you already have, then tell him again!......if he expects you to move 200 miles away with him then he should at least show some commitment to you...............

[flipnflap]

This is a Leap Year...and we've almost reached the end of February...

[beanebabe]

Tenrec, basically his father always hated me and never spoke to me in 19 years. He was a strict catholic. I married very young and soon got divorced. He branded me a gold digger but I am nothing of the sort, I am not high maintenance and have never been in debt. I always hoped my otherhalf would change his mind once his parents were not around, but although it is still early days after his fathers death, I fear he has been permanently influenced by his attitude towards me.

[DaisyNonna]

Your lot of what? Being morally blackmailed? Being ashamed of your marital status? Being compelled to leave your home, neighbourhood, friends and perhaps family? Do you love him? Could you financially make a life without him? Not surprised if you question your situation. Perhaps it is time to bury the horse? How would your children react? Time to sit down and talk.

[tenrec]

beanebabe, sorry to hear that.

[beanebabe]

Daisynonna, I am totally trapped. I have no assets to speak of and I am sure you won't be surprised to here the house is in his name as well. I'm not sure if I love him, I do look forward to him going away with his work if that's any clue. He is a good dad and the kids idolise in him as he does them.

[DaisyNonna]

Would he go to counselling with you?
Could you find a job? How old are the children?
Sometimes you need to argue in order to retain your independence as a person, not as a non-wife or mother but a person in your own right.

[NOX]

Dasiy is right you are a person in your own right.
So far in this relationship you appear to have done all the compromising, this needs to stop. Tell him in no uncertian terms that you have no intention of moving 200 miles away at the drop of a hat and are exploring your options. Tell him you find it massively disrespectful that he clearly thinks you are good enough to breed with but not to marry because of his father's outdated attitude towards you, and tell him that you have had enough. If he persists tell him you will be seperating and you will be having the children, he can see them whenever he likes but you will be making a new start and hopefully finding someone who does treat you as you deserve. There are more ways to be abusive than simply hitting somone, and this person appears to have completely demoralised you by his constant disresepct to the point where you now look forward to him going away on business. We only have one life beanebabe, you need to be making the most of yours, and sometimes that means standing up for yourself.

[bednobs]

if you dont even know if you love him, why the hell do you want to get married???

[Smowball]

Was just going to ask what bedknobs said. especially when you said you look forward to him going away with his work

[ummmm]

You can just start using the same surname as your kids.

[Le Chat]

A horrible turn of phrase used by Dr Phil...."Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Why indeed!