Problems with 11 Year Old Daughter.

[icemaiden]

Hi everyone.

I'm feeling quite sad at the moment with my relationship with my daughter. Some advice would be helpful.

She is 11 but in the past year or so she has really become moody,disrespectful and ungrateful towards myself and my partner. She always has to have the last word, she will argue that black is white, the way she talks to us both is just so nasty and with an added attitude on top it really upsets me. 99% of the time it ends up with her being sent to her room. I expected this at 13 or 14 but not 11!

I have sat down with her and asked her if everything is ok at school and elsewhere, to which I get a very bored reply of "Yes Mum". If I try to give her any advice about anything she gets really moody and says " I know Mum". But she doesn't know, it's so frustrating! She just won't listen.

I can't think of anything that has changed to make her like this. When I ask her why she talks so badly to me she just shrugs her shoulders and says "I don't know".

I really do not know what to do. I really want to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse but I do not know how. Is this normal? Do I stop her hobbies? Do I continue sending her to her room even though it has little effect? How do other people deal with it?

Any help and advice is much appreciated. I am in and out today, but will drop in when I can to look at any replies so don't think I am ignoring you. I will read each and every one.
TIA

[TOWIE]

Hello Lottie, my love - up and down at the moment - hope you are well. xx

[LoftyLottie]

I'm fine (well as fine as I ever will be!!) Nice to see you and be in touch again. xx

[LoftyLottie]

Towie - You can get me on [email protected]. Everything confidential!!

[TOWIE]

I know you are on FB, Lottie, as am I. Not sure who you are though. I am Denise Warwick on there (most people know that anyway, do I am not giving anything away).

Sorry for the hyjack, Icemaiden. xx

[LoftyLottie]

email me and I'll let you know about FB!

[TOWIE]

okey dokey.

[LoftyLottie]

I am not on the AB page on FB by the way.

Actually I will find you on FB and message you. I don't do Walls and things and am hidden well on there!! x

Thanks from me to Ice-Maiden x

[Midnightrider]

It's a horrible age to be, too old for dolls, not old enough for all the big bad world has to throw at you, you're a walking hormone bomb, peer pressure and moms and dads are ancient and don't understand because they've NEVER been that age! I do think that kids have it harder these days than we did, with the media and internet adding much more to the peer pressure to fit in. Got a thirteen year old niece who's a (and I quote) a 'little witch' to her mum, but is all sweetness and light with me. As long as she's eating, you know where she is at night, know the names of her friends and she talks to you even if if it is just withering comments, you're doing okay!!

[icemaiden]

No problem TOWIE. Thanks for your input.

I feel more positive now than I did this morning. Happier too.
Midnightrider- your absolutely right about the media and Internet. Lots of peer pressure for young people compared to what we had.

[ladybirder]

Sorry, I just had to post it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY

[top_driver]

when you are talking to her, it isn't always what you say, it is how you say it, maybe change your tone a little, although i'm not a parent yet, i was probably the worst child for anyone to have had, so i know a thing or two, ha

[dunwerkin]

I really feel for you Icemaiden. I am a Grandma to a 13yr old girl and I am horrified at the special tone of voice she has for her Mother (my daughter). She is sweetness and light with everyone else and, when I asked her, said that she wasn't rude to her teachers. I managed to have a potentially confrontational talk with her by using a reasonable tone of voice - and, by being in the car. I found this worked with my own children as well. If you are in the car there is no eye to eye contact and plenty of distractions. It doesn't mean that it changes anything, but at least some dialogue takes place rather than arguments. One of the contributors to this thread suggested withdrawal of taxi service to favourite activity - this threat was also used to our Little Angel. So long as you mean it, it is a pretty good deterrent. I agree with the media being so influential on behaviour. I tried to explain that those people on the t.v. are actors and are paid to be rude/smart mouthed - I don't think it had much effect, but I felt better for saying it !!

[Smowball]

icemaiden, thankyou so much for posting this question - its like a carbon copy of my 12 yr old boy, the answers are very reassuring!

[JonnyBoy12]

I would advise giving birth to kittens in future instead of humans. Our Mumpuss did that and they never gave us any trouble at all. They are small, cute and furry. They also eat less than kids and are very useful at catching mice.

Hope this helps.

[icemaiden]

Hi everyone. Just got back from a few days away and catching up on all your answers.
Smowball-These answers are very reassuring indeed. Glad it has helped you.
Jonnyboy-~if only I could!

Thanks again everyone!

[lcg]

yes...punish her! if she is rude, disrespectful and hostile, why should you pay for things and her enjoy treats? these are things that are earnt and i think you should quickly teach her that now. i started early with my boy and now he works, is at uni and has a 2 and 1/2 year relationship behind him at the age of 18. he knows the difference between right and wrong, has good manners and a good work ethic. as i speak, he's done a 10 hour shift at sainsbury's while i've snoozed the day away (well...i did break my arm the other day and am exhausted - back to work monday!). you need to show her who's boss and her place in the family - as a child who needs to grow up into a young woman you can be proud of. some difficult times ahead maybe, but take her mobile away, make her do chores for money and stop hobbies until she behaves herself. good luck x