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tigerlily11 | 15:38 Sat 03rd Jan 2009 | Parenting
16 Answers
Hello.
Here is a problem.
You are a mother of a 25 year daughter who has had problems with boyfriends. SHe has moved from one relationship to another.
She is currently in a relationship with a young man who you just can't seem to get to like. Her brothers and most other people who meet him arn't to keen on him either although he seems a nice, hard working boy, there is just something that doesn't seem right.
They live together. She is a bit of a party girl who likes to socialize. He would rather just have a quiet night in but goes clubbing and drinking because she wants to.
But when he drinks he gets violent with her and when she is drunk she isn't much better. It's has happened three times so far in what has been just over a year. Each time they have both been drunk.
She tells her mother about it and you give her the honest truth that you don't like him and violence is inexcusable but its her choice. After all shes a big girl now and should be making her own choices in life.
She says she loves him and he is only like this when he's drunk.
The last incident was new years eve and you had to go pick up the pieces and listen to her tell u how it all happened and it was because once again they were both drunk. Being drunk is not a regular thing for them. Only when they go out to clubs. It's the whole binge drinking thing.
He got arrested.
Now she says they have sorted it out and they will be moving away to start again some where else. Alarm bells go off in your head but saying something will lead to her going off on one and she won't speak to you again.
What do you do? Thoughts please.
Thanks for your time

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Question Author
Noknowledge just f*ck off.
Just because u know nothing don't make every one elses life as boring as your own.
Leave her to it and let her pick up her own pieces. As you said, she's a big girl now.
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Question Author
If she had just been a friend I would have agreed Ummmm but when its your daughter it's another matter.
Set her bruvs on him.
The hard part - as all parent son here know, is that even though your child is an adult, she is still your 'little girl' and you want to protect and look after her, which doesn;t sit well with knowing that she has to make herown way in the world.

All you can do is re-enforce your love for her each and every day, and make her know she has a home, and you to come back to, and you will taker her in and not judge her when things go wrong - as you know they must.

It does make you wonder how the world got over-populated doesn't it?

no.knowledge - there are opportunities for the flip throwaway response, and there are times when that is inappropriate - being a grown-up means recognising the difference - and acting on it.
It's hard I know but she has to learn. I'm not saying don't be there for her just that maybe you shouldn't get involved in their fights. If and when she calls it a day then step in and pick up the pieces.
She doesn't have to suffer a bully!

Even mum's can fight! Get round his house and bash him - when he's alone!

There must be booze bottles/cans (Useful weapons) you can bash/throw at him. Groin kick him - he'll be too embarrassed to complain! No witnesses - you can deny all. Pour tobasco down his throat.......Where do you live - I'll help!
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Sorry you got a couple of moronic answers from the usual suspects here Tigerliy. Anyway, as you say, your daughter is grown up now and needs to make her own way.

Perhaps both her and her boyfriend still have growing up time and one or both will change their ways at some point.

As their violent fights are due to self inflicted over indulgence with alcohol, perhaps you need to suggest she and her boyfriend seek advice from AA and receive counseling Just because it's binge drinking, makes it no less a problem, than an Alcoholic who drinks on a daily basis.

All you can do is be there for her but try to detach yourself from the situation.
Question Author
She argues No she is not violent. My daughter knows her faults and she tried believe me to deal with them.
He did the hitting.
just so u can wrap ur brain cell round it.
If you have a problem with women deal with it. They are not all the same.
i gave her what options I thought she could take. One of them as leaving the other was if she loved him, and she lives with him so she knows what he's like better than most, then she should stay and knock the drink on the head.
Don't judge every one by your own experiances.
You sund like you need to let it go.
But then I'm only going by what your saying on here.
Like you are assuming this from what you have told me.
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Question Author
No just trying to explain real life to u as u don't seem to have a clue.
My advice would be to tell her basically what you told us. (obviously leaving out the odd comment). Tell her that you have your concerns but you will not stand in her way if this is what she wants. Make sure she knows that if it all goes wrong that you are there for her, either as a shoulder to cry on for a night or as a place she can always come home to. If you tell her not to do this, it will only make her more determined to prove you wrong and may push her away completely to the point where you can't help her. All you can do is give advice, support her decision and be ready to pick up the pieces
I agree with andy-hughes, don't judge her, yes let her make her own mistakes but just let her know that you will be there for her no matter what happens even when it all falls to pieces which it will eventually, just don't say you told her so if you know what I mean, beleive me I'm going through the same

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