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how do you bond with someone elses child?

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onlyme26 | 13:57 Sun 21st Sep 2008 | Parenting
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me and my partner have been together for 8 years, we have a 7 year old and a baby on the way ,he has an older daughter from a previous relationship, she is 10 and you know what? i have never bonded with her really?? in the early days it was hard, she was the first grandchild and his mum just took over! she was obessive over her and was hard for us to get a look in to be honest!!!! i treat his daughter the same as my own when she is in our house, she comes and stays every week with us, but.. i just dont feel anything, nothing at all like i feel for my daughter!! u would think after 8 years i would have a close relationship with her, but i dont, dont get me wrong im really nice 2 her, i have never shouted at her, my partners mum spoils his first daughter rotten, she has her own bedroom and stacks of toys at her house, clothes dvds the lot, his mum didnt like it when i got pregnant and made it perfectly clear that his first daughter WASNT TO BE LEFT OUT, so much so that my daughter got left out, of everything!! she never bothers with her, takes his first daughter out all the time and never invites my little one, she is so left out, this may be the reason i cant bond with his eldest, i realise its not her fault, but now she is older she comes round to my house boasting about all the places nanny takes her and all the things nanny has bought for her, and my heart just goes out to my daughter, she is just as much her grandchild!!! i do sound jealous but i dont feel jealous, i just feel sad for my daughter, and angry towards my partners mum, i just wish my daughter got treated the same, my partner however treats both his kids the same, he doesnt like the way his mum spoils his first child and lets her get away with everything! but not much he can do.
we are all looking forward to the new baby, which is prob what trigger me off thinking about all this!!
is there anything i can do to make this right? is it to late??? i want to bond with her i really do, i

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People really do irritate me at times, where is the logic in spoiling one grandchild and not the rest of them!!! Seriously unfair, I would have to say something about it to her, as she is just getting away with it!!! I would explain to her that your child and yourself feel hurt by it.

As for the daughter, I can see a slight resentment, but dont feel bad for that, you havent caused this! Just because you may feel this, it doesnt mean that you dont like her...maybe you should try taking your "daughters" out together, for a girly day, shops, cinema and maybe something to eat after, you will get to know her a bit more by doing this and not only that, your daughter wont care as much when she comes round boasting about where nanny has taken her as she would have been out enjoying herself too. Another thought on the matter, when this girl comes round boasting, do you not feel that she may be resenting the fact that you are a family unit? Your doing everything right, but seriously, try spending some time with the girls together, and if you havent got the money for days out etc, put make up on them and do there hair, anything glittery and pink and im sure they will be happy!!!! Best of luck! x
if you want to bond with her try spending time with her doing the things she likes look at the similarieties between yee not the differences.

I think there is lots your partner can do about how his mum treats her grandchildren and it is neever too late he needs to speak with her and lay down ground rules now before it gets worse as your child gets older. perhaps he could limit his mums contact if she is showing indifference
Question Author
hey guys thanks for advice but me and my partner have told his mum a million times!! she doesnt wanna listen, she just states she loves them the same, when she clearly doesnt!! she carries on as normal, we had his daughter this weekend and she brought a few new toys his mum had bought!! i just ignore it now, but it infuriates my partner!! but like i said nothing we can do, we have told her a million times and she just doesnt care!! i dont talk to her anymore, i dont go to her house or anything, im not gonna be 2 faced, i dont like the woman so i stay away!

as for his daughter, i do take them out, i take them to the pictures and into town and out for food, i guess maybe i will just have to accept my feelings!!

thanks guys xxx
Question Author
me again....
pinkwink... when you say limit her access, she wont care! she doesnt ever bother with my daughter!! she has no interest! when me and partner split up a few years back, he lived back with his mum and she used to stop him seeing her every chance she got!! seriously is a b*tch!!
i think im starting to realise something tho.... i think im not bonding because of the way his mum separates them, hmmm something for me to think about!

as for his daughter feeling left out of our family unit, i doubt it, she has always been spoilt rotton, she has a little brother at home with her mum, plus we treat her equally and believe me if she feel left out she would say so lol

thanks again guys!! xxxx
It can be very hard for mothers. This eldest child was barely 2 when her son split from the mother, took up with you and had another baby. She probably wondered how long this relationship would last..

It must have been extremely hard for this very young child to go home, leaving daddy with another woman and a new baby. I can see why nanny stepped in. It is very hard to do the right thing, there is no manual.

Your child is living with mummy and daddy full time, maybe nanny is subconsciously trying to redress the balance.

Your daughter isn't left out - as I said she has the most important people at home full time. Her mum and dad.
Family life is hard, harder when step parents and second families are involved.

You say you treat this eldest child the same as your own. I bet you don't. I expect you shout at your own from time to time, for example, yet you don't shout at the eldest.

You do your best - that is all anyone can do, and none of us are perfect
Question Author
thanks ethel, i see your points, but my partner spilt up with his EX when the eldest was 3 months old, ages before i came along, and the "nanny" just took over from day 1, when i came along, his mum didnt want me in the house because she didnt want anyone taking the atention of the little girl, we used to take her out, coz i clearly want welcome in the house, when i had my daughter, she was so happy, she had a little sister to play with! everyone was happy at time especially her, she used to feed her and help me change her, it was only the "nanny" that had a problem, we started having her 3 nights a week when i had my daughter, but his mum soon put a stop to that!!! she didnt want anyone taking "her" little girl off her!! i do treat them the same, believe it or not, i have always made her feel welcome and loved in my house.
Question Author
also ( sorry to rant on)
when my partner spilt from his ex, is was because she met someone else, so his eldest was calling someone else "daddy" from as soon as she could speak!!
she has been brought up in a stable home, and has a little brother at home,
she doesnt see "us" as a familly and herself left out, coz she has always had 2 daddys, one at home with mummy and baby brother and then when she comes to our house.

I think paternal grandparents are frightened that the separated or divorced mother will try and stop the children seeing nanny. I've seen it so often when there has been bitterness between the parents.
Grandparents lose all contact with much loved grandchildren and mummy holds all the cards.

As I meant to indicate, there is no blame here, and I wasn't trying to imply you are the wicked step mother home wrecker. :)

I think many wives had problems with the mother-in-law.

Just do your best, and good luck with the new baby.
You're never going to change the situation so turn heel and find another path with your daughters when the 1st child is around. Take your 2 out elsewhere leaving dad with his 1st child for their 'quality time'.

Take your 2 to visit your own relatives to build stronger relationships there. Or with their own friends (all excluding the 1st child). Soon your own 2 will be too busy with their own lives & friends to notice the neglect of Nanna etc.
Question Author
thanks again for you responses,

its hard for anyone to totally understand the situation unless you've seen it yourself for the past god knows how long but i do realise through this i may feel bitter towards the eldest coz of my daughter losing out of a nanny, at least i realise this isnt her fault and i do treat her very nicely.

we are all lookign forward to the new baby! 3 kids will be a changenge i tell ya!!

as for the nanny.... well she is the only one that stands to lose anything! my daughter and my new baby, have enough love from us that they dont need her!

and the eldest is getting to that age now where she just wants to be with her friends!
so she will soon realise that leaving out the younger ones has done her know favours!

thanks guys xxx
i think you have answeresd your own thread yes the nanny is the one that misses out it seems there is too many adults trying to parent your children which makes your job hardwe as a family yee need to set your own limits about who is involved in the lives of your children how and in what way otherwise childen get mixed messages which makes it harder for you. good luck
nobody can make you bond with a child after 5 years i cannot bond with my blokes 9 yr old. you are a mum to your kids not his. however you can just let nature take its course, really open up to your man and tell him how you feel. as for the nan if it upsets your daughter tell her to write her nan a letter telling her how she feels i bet the turn around would be quicker than you think after that x
Hi, i know exactly how you feel. Although i must admit i have been very lucky and have in fact bonded. i met my partner 5 years ago when her boy was 2. it was hard at the start but i am grateful that i got him when he was 2 and not older. He regards me as his dad in all aspects but at the same time he understands i am not his dad. his own father was difficult at the time but now has accepted that i am part of his boys life. Me an his father actually are more amicable than his mother and father. i have never once discouraged his relationship with his dad but at the same have never once treated as if he wasn't mine. you have to do the same. I have since had another boy with my partner and i honestly thought it would be difficult to feel the same for both but to be honest my feeling for first boy have not changed in the slightest. i love them both an treat them both the same. i honestly think that you will bond when the girl realises she needs a female figure around her and you might be the answer. you as the adult have to be the one to keep pluggin away and tryin your best. always be there for her and the day you resolve a problem for her an you see the trust its makes her feel for you, it'll make you feel so good and it'll answer any doubts you have towards the girl. any time you have any doubts about your feelins for her, imagin life without her prescence and you'll know that you simply couldn't have it.

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