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I feel betrayed

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suzi-q | 15:33 Mon 14th Aug 2006 | Parenting
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My son is 16. When he was 12/13 his dad and I divorced. My ex behaved apallingly (verbally and emotionally abusive) to me and my two boys. He disowned them and has not seen them since even ignoring them in the street.

I got married and my new husband and I have provided a pretty good home to the boys and struggled financially in doing so. Also we've provided a structure and basically been there totally for them even though its been hard.

My ex was initially extremely abusive to the boys sending so many foul text messages my elder son ended up going to the police and he was given a caution. he has since been in court for bashing up his new wife.

Anyway following a row about of all things, using all the milk, last week my 16 yr old son stormed out and unbeknown to us went round to his dads for the evening.
He has since been there at every opportunity and has even told him that I wont let him go to a party which is in a town about 2 hrs car journey away and where he wants to stay the night with some girl he met on the internet. Apparently his father has come up with ways to get round my ruling.

On one level I know its probably better for my son to have a relationship with his father but I feel so hurt and betrayed. It seems like no matter how badly you behave its ok and Ive been feeling guilty for putting them through the divorce!!!

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it's quite natural for your son to have these feelings. He is obviously feeling defiant towards you, and however bad his father has been to him and his brother, he knows that his father will do anything to try and win his acceptance. He wants to be the 'cool dad' so don't let him put you down you have obviously worked hard to bring your boys up. But because your son is 16 he is entitled to see his dad if he wants . The best advice i can give you is just to lie low. It will be hard, but at 16 your son is old enough to make his own mistakes. Try reverse psychology let him stay over at his dads. Your son will be confused with you laidback attitude and his father won't tolerate it if he takes advantage. Then your son will see just how much he appreciates you.
Hope this helps
r xx
Hi i agree with the above comment about trying to stay calm about it because it will confuse everyone and it wont have the same effect your son is trying to get.

I know you must feel very hurt. when i was two my dad left me and my mum he never contacted me or sent me birthday/ christmas cards when my mum and him where together he was violent. I have seen him three times since i was two and although i knew all them bad things about him i still wanted a dad and i suppose i wanted him to love me because i couldnt understand why he would be like that or what i had done but it wasnt till he hurt me directly by no contact and not bothered about anything to do with me that i realised for myself that he is a horrible person and i dont want anything to do with him. He knows i am married and have a baby but he has know interest in me and i have no interest in him but it took all that for me to truely see what he is like..... so what i think im trying to say is dont worry your son will see what he is really like he just needs to see it for himself!

I would be very concerned about the girl on the net he wants to meet could be very dangerous just because she is a 'girl' doesnt mean it is safe 'she' could be anyone!!

Good luck and try not to feel so hurt, stay strong.

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