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to move or not to move-advice please!!

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LizzieJ | 23:38 Fri 14th Oct 2005 | Parenting
11 Answers

Hi


I'm in a quandry and would appreciate your views/advice.


My daughter (nearly 8), me and my boyfriend live in a house, money is tight but ok. Unfortunately my daughter's dad and I split up 5 years ago and I moved away from him (60 miles approx). My ex rings our daughter every night and she spends every other weekend with him, plus holidays etc. However, he is now putting alot of pressure on me to move back to the area where he lives, as he will have more contact with our daughter, the schools are better, also his family live nearby. The problem is, if we did move back to that area I would have to increase my mortgage to around �120k which would stretch my already knackered finances. a few increases to the interest rate and I'd be stuffed! But on the plus side our daughter would benefit and be nearer to her dad.


What do you think I should do?? I'm concious that I should put my daughters needs first but at what financial cost??I'm a civil servant with not much chance of a pay rise. I would be living in fear of finding myself unable to afford to keep a roof over our heads. Also my boyfriend is not too keen on moving as he feels my ex will have "won".


Any advice you could give would be great-I just feel so guilty and confused. ;-)



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I obviously don't know the full story, for example why you moved away from the area after you and your ex split up.  It sounds to me as if he is trying to manipulate you so that his life is made easier (and using your daughter as an excuse, i.e. saying it will be she who benefits).  Your daughter's needs will not be well met if you end up financially ruined, because I bet your ex won't offer to pay the excess living costs.  Also, it will really grate on your current partner's nerves - I bet he thinks your jumping when your ex clicks his fingers?

Is you daugter at a good school now? how are her grades and her behaviour? While its not ideal for her to live apart from her Dad, IMHO 60 miles is not far.

If you and your daugter are happy, then probably best not to move and imperil your financial state.

Don't know if he's offered but really not a good idea to take extra financial help off your daughter's DAD IMHO

I would echo Pipers response - on the above information, I wouldn't move. Whilst the schools may be better, if in a couple of years interest rates go up (not unlikely) you won't be able to afford your mortgage repayments. How will your daughter be better off having to live in  council accomodation?

Question Author

Thank you all for your honest answers-it is appreciated.

Piper -AK: yes, my current partner is none too pleased that my ex says stuff then I worry! He wants to do whats best for us all and in his opinion moving to a smaller more expensive  "shoebox" will not be of benefit.

woofgang: the school my daughter in now is ok, she achieved above average grades at the end of the last year. However, the school that my ex would want her to go to is actually one of the top schools in the south east and i can't say the school here compares. My ex hasn't offered any financial help!

oneeyedvic:you've made a fair point re finances. I agree that to risk loosing the house you live in is not a good state of affiars to be in. However, as I said I feel so d*mn guilty that we moved as it was my decision to do so. I moved because I wanted a better quality of life abd where we are living now is a) cheaper and b) near the sea and has loads of open spaces so quite pretty etc.

The final spanner in the works is that if I did move then the chances are my salary would go up by approx �5-8k. But that's not enough to bridge the gap of �40k increase to my mortgage!!

Thank you all, I will probably seek advice from fianancial advisor and "sleep on it", perhaps review how things are next year. ;-)

If your daughter's dad is so concerned about the distant between them then he should move closer to her not expect you to uproot your life. 

If she is doing well at her present school then moving her to one with better results would not improve her results significantly.

While I agree with the excellent advice you've already been given, nobody has touched on the fact that your boyfriend is talking of your ex having "won".

This attitude, while understandable, is completely unhelpful and it's not doing your daughter any good for the two male figures in her life to see her as a trophy or battleground.

You must make the decision you think is best for your daughter and you. Your daughter's needs must take precedence over those of your current boyfriend and your ex.

Your current man needs to understand that your ex knows which buttons to press to wind you up - and he will probably carry on doing that until he gets his own life in order - and current b/f needs to support you in this. To meet current b/f halfway, you need to learn not to react - maybe he has some techniques that can help you with this?

If your ex can drive up to see her whenever he has the contact and phones whenever he wants, I don't see what the prob is.  If he is worried about being away, then i agree he should move nearer.

You live in a family dynamic where everyone's life will be changed, it has to made for the good of all not just your ex.  If your d is not suffering, and is happy where she is, then there is no need to change it for her.  She has a life too, is she prepared to leave it behind just so the ex doesn't have to spend as much on petrol?

I know what your bf means by 'won', I don't think that he views her as a trophy, but if your ex is pressuring you now, and you cowtow (sp) to his needs now, what will he pressure you with next?  residence orders????? 

do what you think is best for your family dynamic now, be careful, don't feel guilty, you don't have anything to feel guilty about.

Hi Lizzie
Just wanted to say that whatever you decide I am sure you have your daughters best interests at heart and always have had.
Motherhood is one huge experience in guilt - in my experience anyway!
Im divorced too and remarried to a man totally opposite to my ex. hes kind, respectful, happy and doesnt shout at me. But my son (18) has still managed to take a dislike to him and make me feel HUGELY guilty about remarrying and I suppose in his eyes "choosing" my husband over him. (Which of course is totally untrue).
But my other son (15) gets on really well with new hubby, has great fun with him and they are building a good relationship up.
So what Im saying is really that you can only go by what makes you happy because that will include and embrace your daughters well being and happiness.
Any also to add to "won" point - men are human too. Of course your partner will feel threatened if he feels your ex still has ways of controlling you. I really think that as its the two of you who are providing a permanent stable home for your daughter, the decision should be yours. Your ex husband will have to accept that as long as his daughter is well looked after, happy and well adjusted, you are the main carer and the decision maker. He will have to continue to make the effort.
You've nothing to feel guilty for.
Good luck x
If he wants to be closer to his daughter, he can move! You have a house, relationship, job, your daughter is settled etc. That is a lot of unheaval to make things easier for him. Many couples are separated, and the kids have to travel to see the estranged parent. I'm afraid that is just a symptom of the society we now live in. Could he not move to be nearer you?

I agree, you should not move.  It would appear that your ex sees more of his daughter than a lot of "separated" fathers who live in the same town!  Why should you uproot yourself and put yourself in a precarious financial position?  You moved for a better quality of life and feel that you have that.  I suspect that he is just using the "better schools" argument to make you feel guilty but at the end of the day your daughter is achieving ok at her present school and there is more to her quality of life than being at the best school!  Don't feel bad!  You are providing a decent life for your daughter while he does not appear to be contributing financially.  (Sorry, this makes me quite mad as my son's father is equally cheeky!!)

Question Author

hi again,

 

thanks all to have replied  since i last logged in, i appreciate the time and effort you all have gone to to reply. it's certainly a tricky situation to be in and it's reassuring that i'm not the only one who is feeling guilty etc over this situation... i have taken a lot of comfort from reading the replies and am very grateful.

thank you

 

;-) X

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