Should i disown parents?????

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charmed76 | 20:18 Sun 16th May 2010 | Family Life
18 Answers
I was in a domestic violence relationship in which i was married to my first husband. He slapped, punched, pulled my hair, threw things at me etc. There was emotional abuse and verbal abuse too. I was raped by my husband while pregnant on my 2nd child with him, i went on to have another baby with him. In the end he had numberous affairs and i had one night stands by the end of the relationship just looking for someone to love me (not that this makes my behaviour right). We spilt after he found love with someone else. My parents still get on with my ex, they say it is for the children's sake who are now in there teens. They are friends on a networking site and also speak to him when they see him. I have struggled to come to terms with what has happened to me, and still do but any progress i seem to make my parents seem to knock me back with their "friendship" with the human that raped me. I have told my parents loads of time how much they are hurting me by their actions and it also sends the signals to others that i lied about the rape as they speak to him. I never told the police and tried to tell my mum the day after it happened but i think she didnt understand what i was saying at that time, she told me, men and women have needs so it has to be give and take. I have also turned up at my parents house before to find him in their home, i know my eldest was living there at that time but i just want your opinion cos i feel maybe its me with the problem and need help.I have remarried and he is a wonderful husband, supportive beyond belief and i see a therapist about our private life which i need would be a problem. I have tried to explain to my parents loads of times about how what they are doing hurts me but they still continue to say they are doing it for my childrens sake. They speak to him when my children are not even with him. My parents treat my ex better than my husband. Advice needed


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have you discussed this with your therapist?
I think that you need to speak to your counsellor more about this.
If you really cant abide the fact that your parents talk to your ex (though i presume you have no major problems with your children talking to him) and a proper conversation with them about your feelings doesnt help then your only option will be to avoid going to their home in case he is there.

But really, i think perhaps that you need more help than your counsellor is probably giving you.
Question Author
Hi Sara, its a sexual therapist not psychologist or other therapist. So he just keeps the sessions me and my husband have with him on that subject.

I have been struggling on and off with this for the last 13 years, i just wish i could wakes up and it all go away but no magic wand
after 13 years of living with this, dont you think its about time that you asked for help with a psychiatrist rather than the therapist you have then?
Your GP may be able to refer you
I think you have to accept that your parents and he have a good relationship and are unlikely to change now. They say they are doing it for the children's sake, so they are listening to you. If they are being unfriendly to your husband then talk to them about it. The only way forward is for you to continue to communicate with your parents who are there for ever and the only ones you will ever have. So shall I disown them question? No. That is not a good idea. (in my humble opinion).
charmed, you really need professional help with this but I would struggle with your situation. in fact, I have struggled with something similar.

your parents are an older generation and they find it easier to "turn a blind eye" to what went on, rather than face up to it.. which would be very difficult for them. it's selfish and it's not fair.

it's your choice how you move forward, but you do need to find a way to move forward. see if you can be referred for some other kind of counselling, where you can work out what is best for you. I really do wish you all the best x
I'm sorry to hear your story, charmed, and find it quite unbelievable that your're parents have remained friends with this abuser, and how it was swept under the carpet.....if i was your father, i would have turned his Fluffing lights out straight away, as soon as i found out he was slapping you around, the Little Bustard coward.

You've now remarried and say you have a wonderful husband, so am really pleased for you.
You've turned things round for the best.

It must be hard for you to have your parents insisting to stay friends with this man, and with your children being in their teens should'nt make a difference to them for the * sake of the children" part.....they have your husband now as their dad too, but it would be interesting to hear how your children get on with your first husband now, and when he was abusing you, and whether he ever used violence against them.? I sincerely hope not.

Grasscarp, redcrx, and sara comments should all be heeded too, as they are looking out for the overall puicture and to keep peace within the family unit, so it is basically down to how you feel about it. Discuss it with husband, and as mentioned, maybe a GP or counsellor too.

Take care...please look after yourself and the best of luck to you, sweetheart xxx
It seems your abusive ex husband is still controlling your life - focus on your new husband - he sounds wonderful - let him make you happy instead of letting others make you unhappy. To me it sounds as though you feel unworthy of happiness which is not true - you've proved how great you are by having a happy second marriage - hard though it may be, don't let what happened in the past stay with you. You can't change the past but you can certainly control your own future. Really hope you find a way to let go of the negative past and embrace a positive future. Best way to show ex hubby what a shabby and cowardly person he really is. Also don't be too hard on your parents, different generations, different values. Good luck
i wish i had your email address as we have one or two things in common i could help you with xx
do your parents know everything?
verbal and physical abuse is more wide spread than we let on, I was both physically and mentally abused too and I am sure a lot on here will have been in a similar position, please seek professional help charmed, only then will you move forward and be happy with your new husband
I wish you all the very best.x
I've, more or less, disowned my mother for a lot less.
I have to say tho' I would feel incredibly hurt by their actions, are they getting on in yeras charmed, it's just you say they use social networking sites?
I can relate to most of them things ,wish i could help you more but don't really want to write it here hope you get through this xx

Cherry x
I couldn't face them if it were me. As suggested in previous posts though I would maybe see a therapist/shrink for it all and discuss what has happened and how your parents make you feel. If it were me I would have given them an ulitmatum, at the end of the day you are their daughter and he isn't even family. It would be me or him. I can understand the idea of being civil for the children but being friends is uncalled for and if it were my daughter who had to go through what you have he wouldn't want to face me!
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as has been mentioned, it seems your parents may not believe he raped you as, even now, many people beleive you 'cannot' rape your wife...because as you are married the man is entitled to have sex whenever he wants...

its is a stupid outdated and dangerous notion...

i would suggest rather than cutting all ties, issue them with a sort of untimatum...tell them how bad you feel and how much this matters to you, and that you will cut all ties if they dont start taking you seriously...
As others have said, I think you need proper counselling for issues over and above any sexual issues you have with your husband. I understand it might be an important thing for you both but there are much wider issues here which need to be dealt with without such a pressured focus as you probably have at the moment.

If your husband is as wonderful as you say then he should understand that. Your emotional wellbeing is far far more important than sex issues.

I've had similar issues with trying to get one of my parents to understand things which have happened to me (I've been told the other one isn't allowed to know!) and it's caused me a lot of hurt and bitterness but I've managed to accept that there are certain things I can't change in order to find a way to move on with a relationship which works ok. I still have to bite my tongue a lot but the bitterness was just screwing me up.

I'd find it very very difficult in your circumstances though as, with me, there was never anyone else to be sided with in the same way as you have had and it's not still being pushed in my face all the time.

How important is their relationship with him where your children are concerned? I notice you mentioned your eldest living with your parents so was it a contact thing? There are other ways round it though, especially if they are all teenagers.

Generational thing or not, it's hardly presenting the kids with a good role model!
Question Author
Thank your for all your comments, I have since wrote a letter to my mother explaining how i feel and i have just started talking to her, although she has not removed my ex off her networking site or my dad either. Its just been brushed under the carpet as if i never sent the letter. Which is fine but i stated in the letter how i felt so they are well aware of the impact of what they have done to me. So the ownership is on them now not me.

I recently went on holiday with my hubby which helped to get away from it all. I have come back with a new outlook on life, i cannot keep punishing myself i have to move on, i have decided my parents now know what their actions do to me and its their decision now to either carry on with the contact with my ex or not. I feel liberated for writing the letter to my parents whether they change or not. I have my family and thats all that matters to me.

As for my marriage to my husband we are working hard on it, he is patient, caring and very understanding. We are seeing a sex therapist as well as relate to help us through my demons and finally move on.

I also wrote to my ex too and told him how he has made me feel and how i feel he is worthless, and i no longer allow him to reck my life and that felt like closure for me which really helped. I have put the owing of the hurt and pain onto him where it should have been all along. I dont intent to waste anymore time on what he did. I am here and i survived which in fact is a better outcome than most have from a domestic violent relationship.

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