Mother in Law

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flipflop104 | 18:31 Sun 05th Apr 2009 | Family Life
17 Answers
I've been with my gf for 10 years now and me and the mother in law do ont get on at all. She was happy when we had a brief seperation last year and was upset when we decided to make a go of it. Apparently she doesn't like my attitude and thinks I'm bad mannered but that is just me being me.
For example, I sometimes wear a beanie and she thinks I should take it off when I go in the house, but I wear it as part of my outfit not as headgear to keep my head warm. Whenever I go to anyone else's house I am not asked to remove part of my outfit (my beanie). Once it was cold in their house and I sat there with my coat on and she thought I was rude. But I don't see why I should take my coat off if I am cold. As far as I'm concerned it's rude to let a guest be cold in your house. I sit in my own house with my coat on if it is cold (until it gets warm).

Oh and everyone else in her family says what she wants to hear wheras I say what I am thinking and she doens't like that either.
The latest thing was that she text my gf and said I'd been saying some stuff on Facebook that was inappropriate. My gf replied and said she hadn't seen anything that was inappropriate (we wracked our brains and could think of nothing). On further inquiry, we found out someone had told the mother in law that I had said something inappropriate on FB and when we asked her what it was, she didn't even know and she doesn't have a FB account herself, so she was having a go about something that she didn't even know what she was having a go about. I was fuming and wanted to phone the MIL and have it out with her and ask exactly what she was refering to even though she didn't know, but my gf wouldn't let me.


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Anyway, my question is this. I haven't see the MIL since before our seperation and I have no desire to. Luckily she lives 2 hours away so when my gf goes to see them she goes alone and that's cool with me (and I suspect the MIL is cool with that too).

However my gf has been down this weekend to see them cos she has just become an auntie to her brother's new baby. While she was down there, her brother and his gf asked her to be godmother. Which means there's a christening on the horizon. My gf wants me to to go to the christening with her and I don't want to cos we'll have to stay with the MIL and all put on nice smiley faces when in actual fact we don't like each other (and I find it totally fake and don't like being like that).

Should I go for my gfs sake or stick to my guns?

I really want to make everything ok for my gf cos I feel sorry for her being stuck in the middle and she thinks if I go everything will be ok, but it will just all be fake (and I'm not right good at acting) and I'm scared for my gf that it my get brought up and it will end in a big row which will just make my gf unhappy (I wouldn't bring it up but I'm sure the MIL would and if she did I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue). HELP!

PS> My gf knows that her mam sticks her nose in and doesn't like me, etc. and has stuck up for me when she thought it appropriate, like when we decided to make a go of it and her mam wasn't happy about it - she defended me and our relationship cos we're happy together and her mother didn't like it and didn't speak to her for about a week!
I can understand your frustration but maybe it is better to ignore her.

Perhaps your mil comes from the era where a man always removed his hat when entering a room out of politeness and it was seen as rude if he didn't. My parents come from an era when a man always stands up if a woman enters the room.

Please don't come to my house with your coat on - you'll need a blanket as well it is always cold I happen to like it like that but when my son and his partner are coming I put he heating on as I know she gets cold. She can't expect you to do all the giving and I guess she is like this because she is used to everyone doing as she says and you don't toe the line so to speak.

She sounds like a control freak perhaps, maybe you could just try to ignore her for the sake of your girlfriend. She did something right or you're girlfriend wouldn'r be here.
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It's hard to ignore her when I'm with her though. Another example, we were once sat around discussing something and she said "Tell me honestly what you would do" and so I did and she didn't like it. It was a family "dilema" involviong finances and I would do what my parents would do (they are very different to her - we can all speak openly and honestly and my parent are very supportive of us both emotionally and financially) which is not what she would do and because she disagreed with how I would have dealt with it What do I do in a situation like that when she's directly asking me for my opinion? i can't lie - that goes against my morals.

I should point out that I am a girl. And while the MIL *says* she is ok with her daughter being gay, I think it probably is part of the problem - her mam has always wanted the family and marriage and stuff. But that's not my fault - even if we weren't together her daughter would still be gay. I don't think it's the whole problem cos I do think it's just a genuine personality clash because we both have very different views and ideas and are strong willed. But in the rest of my life I would just not associate with someone I had a "clash" with but this is a much more difficult situation - like i said at the moment I am dealing with it like it was a normal life situation and avoiding the MIL but this can't go on forever. Or can it??? I just want everything to be ok for my gf and this seems like an unresolvable situation.

Stupid thing is, I get on great with the MIL's brothers (my gf's uncles) and their families - they just accept me as I am - but the MIL's sister doesn't like the way I am (coat on in house, etc) - wonder why the brothers can accept me and my "funny ways" but the sisters can't?
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I admit I am a bit stubborn and have the "why should I change for her" attitude because I can't understand why she can't accept me as I am and the fact that I make her daughter really happy.
Have discussed this with my own family who said - "just take your beanie off" lol but I don't see why i should, and they see my point of view and agree with me mostly cos they know I'm a bit of an individual, but said I should maybe just compromise but if I back down on this, then what...? Where will it end - she will expect me to do everything her way - sounds selfish but I don't see why I should bow to her like the rest of her family does and then I won't be being true to myself.

Thing is, it would be easy if she was able to deal with someone who has different views to her as we could discuss it and agree to disagree but she justs gets narky when anyone says anything that she doesn't agree with and gets all huffy.

Hi flipflop. You should be able to wear what you like, and feel comfortable, but, in someone else's house, is it really too much to remove the beanie out of respect for the mil's wishes? Like NannyJill, if someone went into my parents house wearing a a beanie or a stetson, they'd be expected to take it off inside! I know, I know, these rules seem silly, but if you can lean a little towards your mil's way, she'll probably give you more respect back. Also, when you're asked to give your honest opinion, there are ways of doing so, yet sticking to your guns. Listen to her point of view, and agree that she has a point, but you see it differently - because...... and then go on to make your point in a non-aggressive and sensible way. Good luck!
i totaslly empatize as I do not get on with MIL also and give her a wide berth as she does not accept me. Perhaps you could have a happy medium of attending christening and staying in a hotel. Your gf needs to be honest with her family re the way they treat you also. Yes you need to make an efffort for her but not sacrifice yourself . Good luck. and yes if someone wore there coat in my houde I would be offended however if they were cold I would put the heating on for them so there would be no need for a coat
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Oooh hotel idea is a good one. Although she'd probably take offence to that. But at least I'd be able to go to Christening with my gf (although haven't had an invite yet - her brother left my name off the xmas card to my gf so I think he has adopted his mother's approach to me as well)
I think you need to chill a bit and prove you can be the better person here. "having it out with her" and "biting your tongue".. you're just too angry!

why don't you go and try to make the peace with her. take off your beanie (really, it's a small gesture and it won't kill you!) don't give her any reason to not like you. make your peace before the Christening, even if it's on the surface and just for the sake of it.

if she still doesn't play you can say you did your best.
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Yeah I'm VERY angry. The examples I've given on here are just a few of the "clashes" we've had.

But maybe I will try and "be the better person" - but I think we will def be staying in a hotel if I get an invite for the Christening - small steps and all that.
and I think you're right. staying in her house would be hell! just don't give her any excuse to moan.. and if she carries on moaning people will see her for what she really is.

best of luck :o)
I've had major problems with my mil basically she hates anyone who has a mind of their own and says what they think.

She's learnt now that upset me she gets nowhere and as she likes to see her grandchildren she has to bite her tongue.

I'm able to tolerate her enough to invite her over for meals etc but if she starts to be rude to me I say well we are all entitled to our opinion but if she gets too over the top I say it has been lovely for the children to see you but I think you better leave now before the day isn't a pleasant memory.

Stay in a hotel and you can always say you thought she would have too much to do to entertain you and just try to keep things on casual terms. Hope it goes well.

Otherwise I recommend a voddoo doll with pins.

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LOL. I'm liking the voodoo doll idea. Hehe
I understand how awful it must be not to get on with your MIL.
However, with regard to the up and coming christening, sometimes we just have to put aside our own personal grievances and just suffer the time spent for the good of the day. It doesn't always revolve around us, so we have to find a way of 'being in the world' for that short amount of time, without making any waves.
After reading the postings from the beginning, I couldn't see why your MIL should have these feelings about you ...until I got to the part where you said that you were female! (up till then I thought you were a bloke) Your MIL's compass is still obviously spinning round and round at the concept of her daughter being a lesbian. Maybe she blames you for 'turning' your daughter onto this path. (Even though that's ridiculous obviously) She hasn't yey come to terms with it...maybe she thinks it reflects on her in someway.
Anyway good luck! x
I meant ...her daughter ...not your daughter!
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Yeah I think it is partly to do with the fact that we're gay. But I've been with my gf for 10 yrs now (how long does it take for someone to get their head round it?!) and my gf had a gf of 3 years before me (and the MIL slagged her off to me) so it does kinda feel like no one will be right for my gf (unless they're male!) but how is that gonna work going forward. I'm never gonna be in a win win situation if that's her attitude to me.

I mentioned the hotel idea to my gf and she turned it down point blank. Looks like I won't be going. If there's not gonna be any compromise on anyone's side then I don't really see why I should compromise myself as well (I'm awkward like that lol).

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