Friend in need of help!

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packmalp1 | 19:36 Sun 18th Jan 2009 | Family Life
13 Answers
My dear friend is in a real pickle..and doesn't know what to do. My friend and her husband have decided to split, but he does not want to leave the marital home. He has moved into the spare room.

They have a daughter aged 7, so it is important fo my friend to stay in the home for the sake of her child. There is not enough equity in the home to sell and buy another house.

Can anyone help or advise. I have been through a similar situation, but my husband wanted to move out, so it was easier for me. Also will my friend be entitled to any help like working tax credits, reduction of council tax etc all the time her husband is there.

Advice greatly appreciated.

Many thanksLisa


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Sorry... This is awkward but they will have to stay in the same house, which I know is weird but I honestly can't see any other way. Unless they decided not to split - which would be better for their daughter too.
Make love not war!
Question Author
Hi QueenofAmber... thanks for your reply. No chance of them working things out as her husband has been seeing someone else and she has lost all trust in him now.

My friend is going to get in touch with citizens advice to see what they can advise.

Thanks for your advice anyway.
I think it would be sensible to get a legal document via a solicitor to say they are legally separated. depending on her circumstances she may be entitled to some benefits, but any government agency will run thorough checks to see how they live and how the household finances are run.

been there, done that.. and it's certainly no fun :o(
So its important for your friend to stay in the home for the sake of her child but its not important for the dad to stay for the sake of his child? What does she think makes it easier for him to leave his child than it would be for her? Dads have felings too!
Question Author
Thanks beanmistress for your reply.. to be honest I think the child's father should have thought about that first don't you? He wasn't putting his child first when he was messing around with another woman. Don't think the father had any feelings then did he. In fact my friend said he would probably build a proper relationship with his daughter by not being there, and having quality time with her. It's not nice for children either when they pick up which they do, that something is not right between the parents. When me and my husband split it was the best thing that ever happended for my son. His dad had no time at all for him at home. Once we split and arrangements had been put into place, he saw his son on a regular pattern. He did more with my son than ever. My son even said to me how much better it was, and it was nice hearing dad speaking and talking nice to me for a change. So I don't necessary think your comments are correct...but we do all have our own opinions. My friend has now spoken to a solicitor and the solictior also believed that for the sake of the child it is best he does move out!
i'm for the dads too. we don't know what sort of wife your friend was. maybe he was driven to cheat and maybe he wasn't. doubt you know all the facts either. all sorts goes on behind closed doors. he's moved into the spare room so why can't they make this work? i know of a couple who did. been just friends for over 2 years now. their children don't think anything' s strange about it.
With respect packmalp1, he didn't cheat on his daughter he cheated on his wife.

The only point I was trying to make is that ladies shouldn't just think that they have automatic right to be the one to stay with the child. Many seem to think the Dads are trying to be obnoxious or make life difficult cos they don't move when the mum tells them. They have exactly the same feelings for their kids as the mums do so most aren't happy to up and leave. But of course the law is completly one sided - most mums end up with the kid and the house and the dog and not having to pay for most of it till the kid's 18 so she'll probably be fine :o)
hmmm im suprised that ppl can think that is would be easy to live in the same house???

they have been together for years, have a child together, he cheated she is gutted, how do you live with that????

it would be a nightmare, ive been cheated on and believe me the last thing i could of done is live with him!!!!

unfortunately she would get tax credits etc as they will still class his income,

but if he is still there, wont the finances stay the same????

i mean even if they split he is actually legally abliged to provide for his family still

hope they work it out xx
my mom and dad decided to get a divorce a couple of years ago when my dad found my mom was having an affair and this led to a similar situation where my dad couldnt afford ot buy my mom out of the house or the other way round. my mom slept on the sofa and despite earlier comments on this post i wouldnt say this situation is better for the children as i used to dread going home from school to a tense house and i really hated the whole situation finding it hard to not choose sides too much but maybe this was because i was 14 so older at the time than the child in this situation. I dont really have much clue on the legal sides of things but it was a really difficult situation for 10 months while we waited to sell the house. i guess all i wanted to say was it is anything but easy and maybe not the ideal situation for the child either.
I don't think its a good situation for either them or the kids. My only point being that she shouldn't just assume he's happy to move out and leave his child. That option is also avalible to her.
I've known of a few occasions when couples have tried to live separate lives in the same house and it doesn't work. Someone I know spent four years living with his ex wife and trying to maintain a relationship with another woman who lived down the road - recipe for disaster. My ex husband shared a house with his ex whilst she had her baby even though they had split and it caused even more animosity. I maintain it is better to have one happy parent than two miserable ones in one house
Question Author
Thank you for everyones comments on this. I do realise that Dad's do ave rights too. My second husband who I am married to now. He has two children and left the marital home when he realised that his wife was having an affair. He said he couldn't go through with the children seeing the bad atmosphere was not fair on them. He ended up having a wonderful realtionship with the chldren and still does. In fact he gets on with his ex wife better than when he was married to her. My husband said it was the best thing he could have done... walked away from the marital home, so the children didn't suffer.
As far as benefits are concerned, it should be ok as long as they can prove that they are two separate households, but that may be easier said than done.
Hope it goes ok for her, after all the position they are in is not her fault, or the child`s.

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