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Female Domestic Violence.

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merlin58 | 20:11 Sat 24th Feb 2007 | Family Life
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Today, almost without warning, my wife attacked me. This time I suffered a damaged shoulder. This is the third time in around three years I have been assaulted . I have never hit her back and I never would. I am far stronger and could really hurt her if I hit back. We have been together for ten years.

This attack came after we had had words over a trivial matter. Each time it happens my wife says its my fault as I make her do it. She says she loves me but I do not beleve her. Things are not easy and I think her son is also a factor. I think she feel guilty about losing her first marrage when her first husband walked away.

For all the women who see this and have a good laugh, I have not been unfaithfull, I dont drink. I have a good job and am not lazy around the house.

I am also prepaired for all the silly remarks this question will receive from females who think I am some sort of pathetic loser. I dont want any remarks or comments on this from women please.

But this latest attack has really left me on the floor. I feel worthless and foolish. I feel totally demoralised and fed up. I just cant go on living with her like this, but where to I go and who can I talk to? Has any other men been through this? How did you cope? I really cant cope with this anymore, but dont want to lose her.

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I think Merlin was pre -empting responses and covering himself before what he expected may be an onslaught of people not believing that this could happen to a man as they are stronger than women. He has probably seen other threads where people love anhilalating each other and only have their point of view and all the 'right fighters' that respond to threads amongst us. A great one for this is the news section.
You may find that abuse against men is not talked about as men do think people will laugh at them, especially women, as normally they are not the perpertrators.
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I think perhaps, after the dust has settled, I would like to say this.

I sincerly thank you all for your comments. JOKO has made very good points and I am a far better person and more reasoned, for reading what you all have had to say. I feel more understanding to the problem and the situation. And it had to be said, some of the problem is down too me.

I would say (gently) to JOKO, that I have no problem with anyone of any sex. If there is any sort of problem, it is might be with myself.

In my post I painted things black. Perhaps a little too black. Perhaps it was too soon after the event. Perhaps I was being a little too dramatic.

I am perhaps too sensitive. I am perhaps, a little immature. Perhaps living with me would test the patience of a saint. These things might be true. But I so have a lot of good points as well.

Let me please make this clear also. My wife is not a raving lunatic. What happened the a few days ago perhaps most people perhaps would just see as a normal type of argument that just got a little out of hand. I am not aways being battered around the place. I am not in fear of my life. My wife is not coming at me fists flying each night.

True, things got a little physical. But no lasting harm was done. I think the shock was more of a problem. Perhaps I was being wimpish. Just what I did not want to be seen as. Perhaps I need to stand up for myself?

My wife and I have spoken and a new level of understanding has been reached. I feel better and more postive. We both do. A lot of which I think has been achieved after reading what you people wrote on the subject. I achieved what I wanted, and that was to understand more what was going on perhaps inside me?

Anyway, time to perhaps move forward and accept life is not always a bed of roses. I might just need to grow up a little as well.

Merlin.

End of
there you go joko an admission by the man himself that he does not hate women or indeed anyoine of any sex.now admit that you were jumping to conclusions.i hope that this has taught you a valuable lesson and it is never judge a book by its cover.glad you are ok merlin......
I think the only lesson learned here is not to post on a public forum until you have calmed down a bit...

Post in haste, repent at leisure ~ and always check your posts before submitting.
stokeace-firstly we'd agreed to disagree, so why're you jumping in again?
your rather childish bleating over your imagined triumph is unwarranted

just because flower didn't agree, doesn't mean everything you said was right!

I have NOT said merlin hates women -why cant you read things properly? I said theres issues.

he has-as you have conveniently neglected to notice- actually agreed that i had a good point & it has helped him!
or did you just skip that bit too?

he clearly states that some of the problems are with him & he needs to deal with them -which is what i said!!

he has admitted that things are not as bad as he made out & that he is partly to blame for the problems -this is what i said
all i did was hone in on what could potentially be the source of their trouble, something he may not even have been aware of!
pats on backs solve nothing

flower -you dont read properly either.
if you had, you'd have understood what the line you are outraged by was actually referring to- that the comments made were not likely to have been solely due to the 3 times in 3 years he's been hit
that alone is not enough to create a deep, ingrained mistrust of women, & that theres likely other things that contributed to his outburst
i wasnt trivialising this, i was making a point, & if youd bothered to read the post thoroughly you'd have understood that.

one word is irrelevant -his statements & intentions are clear.
perhaps he didn't mean it that way -but its what he wrote.

theres two people who agreed with me, whose opinions are greatly respected round here, so i dont feel at all wrong in stating my opinion

i wasnt attacking merlin for his problem, nor trivialising it, i was offended by his statements- after all, its men who'd be more likely to laugh, so it seemed a rather bizarre way to speak
so merlin agrees &intends to address the problems, which is great news & i am sure what we all want -so debate over i think!
melin58. It may (or may not) be a good idea to show your wife your AB posting here and all it's replies....and also perhaps your posting will open up you wife's eyes to how you feel and see things post-attack!
thats a good idea lechat. merlin has been very open in some of his later posts and shows a clear desire to solve this and also that he loves her...it could be a good opening to some deep discussions.
well joko i must admit i have enjoyed this little debate with you i didnt mean to jump in again and i apologise if you think i did.i look forward to discussing further debates with you im just glad merlin appears to have sorted his problem out as im sure we all are.i really must be going now or else my wife will be landing me a backhander for being on here too much lol
I think ppl should be able to post what they want when they want, by posting when he did Merlin got reaction to how he was feeling at the time, next time he feels that way he may look at it differently. Merlin you shouldnt feel bad in anyway, Im a woman and I didnt take your comments to heart, its only like a Woman saying she hates all men because one as hurt her! You was upset and angry at the time and you was bound to be a bit anti women.
Good luck anyway, I hope you sort things out with your wife and remember you are who you are.
Hi Merlin - get in touch with Mankind - they support men in domestic violence situations. Google them, sorry I don't know how to do the link thing.

Good luck (yes I am a female too, and I am appalled that this has happened to you)
Well, I'm a woman and I'm certainly not laughing at you. I think you are to be applauded for your self-restraint. Does your wife suffer from pre menstrual tension? Does she only get violent at certain times of the month?
Whatever the reason, I don't think you have to put up with this behaviour and maybe you need to sit down and have a serious talk with her about it. I think you need to understand what is behind this violent and whether her son is part of the problem. But before having this conversation, maybe you need to talk to a solicitor and find out what the options are for you if you decide to walk away from this relationship because it will almost certainly cost you financially and you need to work out in your own mind where you will go, and how you will approach the problem. You say you don't want to lose your wife, but I also suspect that possibly you let her walk all over you, and maybe you have to start being more assertive about the way you are treated in your own home.
Sorry to read your post!
I am a great believer in respect and treating others how you expect to be treated yourself!
Your wife obviously needs serious help and is a very very lucky lady that you have not hit her back!
What a decent bloke you are!!!!
Hi
I don't take offence to your remarks as I wonder if that is how you feel about yourself or maybe how you think your wife felt about you at the time?
I can empathise with how you felt when you posted this as it is very similar to how I felt when I was assaulted by my drunken boyfriend in a past relationship. I felt sick, frightened, shocked and couldn't quite believe what happened. I also felt weak and vulnerable.

You say you have been married for 10 yrs yet the abuse has only been in the last 3 years, has anything happened that could explain this?

I am sure your wife does love you, but needs to understand that she cannot continue abusing you. In the last 3 times she physically abused you was there a trigger or a pattern??

Unfortunately my ex used to tell me it was my fault too. I don't care how angry someone makes you, you can always walk away. It was her choice to hit you. Here is a link you may find useful

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Victim/forMen.htm

I really hope that you and your wife can resolve things.
I'm a woman and find your wife behavior terrible. Your feeling over these attacks are completely normal and if the tables were reversed what would she do? call the police?
I think you should leave and tell her she needs help. She has control, or not ,over her actions so it is not your fault. Whatever she may think you have done she can always walk away.
I would say you are a strong man as most people want to lash out back at the abuser. Please do not allow yourself to stay in this abusive relationship. She could really end up seriously hurting or killing you one day. Maybe when you leave you can tell her if she gets help and you see changes in her behavior then after say a year you can reunite.
BUT, she needs help and if she refuses to get it then you must look out for your own safety and leave. Does her son see this kind of behavior? If he does he may end up thinking that being abused by a woman is acceptable or he may become an abuser. It does sound like your wife has some major emotional problems and if she would seek help she may feel so much better about herself and life.
The prospect of losing you maybe the catalyst to her getting help. Good luck!
I guess you don't want to have a comment from me as I'm a woman, but quite honestly violence to whoever, whichever sex is wrong! I was a victim of domestic violence and don't think that you are in any different position than I was - a victim is a victim. You would also be surprised to know that you are far from alone, but as you say you don't want silly remarks and many men feel the same way which is why it largely goes unreported. Stand up for your Human Rights - look after You.

I would imagine that your wife has issues that need dealing with and I would recommed that you talk to your GP about what to do. It could be PMT, depression, or something else altogether - none of these are an excuse though, but could be a reason. Until she is willing to get help for herself you are in a position of vulnerability and it won't get better. Tell her how you feel and that unless she gets help you will have to leave and be strong enough to do so if she refuses.

Take care and don't feel that you are alone there are people out there that can help.
having read all these posts i feel rather sorry for Merlin now! He asks for a bit of help and starts a bit of a war! Perhaps Joko has yet to consider that his wifes treatment of him has tainted his view of women? I can't really say i'd blame him! It is truly awful being hit by someone you love, and he obviously does love her as he says he wishes not to lose her, but I really feel that three times proves that she will do it again. There comes a time when you just have to face up to the facts and make a choice of being a victim or a fighter.

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