A portrait of modern marriage, or just a damn shame?

Bbbananas | 13:56 Tue 15th Jun 2010 | Relationships & Dating

47 Answers

I'll keep this as brief as poss; bearing in mind the story takes place over 21 years:
2 people meet when with other spouses. He pursues her relentlessly, she initially refuses, but eventually they get together. After a lot of mess, & no 'innocent' party except for 4 kids, it is Happy Families & remarriages all round.
All is blissful as can be for 10 years, then Husband has mid-life crisis - meets a new 'best mate' who is an avid pub man & general rogue. Laughs all round for a while but after 3 yrs Husband has become a near-alcoholic never out of the pub, cavorts with other women (though not unfaithful), gets into debt, is made redundant & all culminates in physical violence. More than once.
Wife leaves Husband, goes to police & court. Husband devastated & promises to go back to 'man he once was'. Wife gets new boyfriend, Husband scares him off, wife gives Husband another chance. Amazingly, he does go back to his old loving self but wife cannot forget, although forgives. Ends marriage for good - hardest decision she's made in her life.

No divorce, separation amicable including the odd 'night' together. Wife has lovely caring part-time boyfriend, husband happy on his own. They meet this w'kend. Reminisce. Have emotional, tearful, honest heart-to-heart. It is obvious love still exists for both. Both confused - don't want to reconcile but miss being together. Don't want marriage - but resist divorce.
Wife now thinking - is this normal? Weird? Incomprehendable? Understandable? Justice of sorts?
Any thoughts?

A portrait of modern marriage, or just a damn shame?

do you ever get over divorce

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Bbbananas

Question Author

48 and 53 Dave. It could work, but I will never know because I know I won't go back to him. My family and friends would probably have me committed !!
We have both learned painful lessons which will benefit us in future relationships.

Glad none of you think I'm totally mad to still have feelings and feel sad about the good lost times, even though we went through such a horrid violent time.

Bbbananas

Question Author

"the occasional shag is acceptable though......" mcfluff. pmsl at that! It might not be right, but you're not wrong.... xx

mccfluff

lol i know...... i try to avoid him as much as possible but sometimes it just happens

Bbbananas

Question Author

Me too....... ;-)

(He was the one called Donkey-oatey or Big-Bamboo-ey, so that could explain some of the magnetic attraction......!)

Dris

Yeah totally understand cant live with but nor without-were.extremly close but neither wanted to risk the deep hurt again-however i'l never know but often wonder.......

Bbbananas

Question Author

Thanks Dris - not just me then?!!

mccfluff

stay strong salla :-) you know you are right

ummmm

Sorry Salla...had people here so had to do a short answer. It's hard to let go....I didn't move on from my ex for over two years even though he was bringing me down. Ginger rescued me :-)

Bbbananas

Question Author

I've moved on and made a new life for myself with which I'm very happy. I don't see him very often, but we keep in touch - we use the 'kids' as an excuse, but we like it !!

I'm not asking anyone on here if I should consider going back to him - that will not happen - just asking if after 4 years of separation, but 21 years of being together - whether it is 'normal' to still miss and love the old Bar Steward.....?!!

ummmm

I think it's completely normal....so much time together can't be thrown away easily.

-- answer removed --

mccfluff

yell yeah i miss him loads!

Sqad

So let me get this quite clear:
You are still in contact with your ex husband and you both have feelings (love or whatever) for each other.
You also have a boyfriend that you describe as "loving" (whatever that means). Does BF know that you are seeing and in love with ex husband.......I bet not.

You can keep them both going, but it would seem that last weekend sort of "brought it to a head".
Me? I would keep them both going until and if, events come to a head.

Sqad

salla LOL....that wasn't the question was it?

Bbbananas

Question Author

My BF and I have a loving relationship very much in the 'current'. He knows I still have contact with my ex and knows I saw him at the weekend.

My ex and I have a once-loving relationship but where feelings are still very much present.

I am not having an affair with my husband !!!!!!!
I'm not 'keeping them both going' in the way in which I think you mean sqad - and things won't come to a head because I've made my decision and I will stick to it - the point of my thread is that, time may go by and other people come and go, but real love can last forever, even you are not physically 'together'.

Is that a woman thing?

Sqad

salla...you are quite correct, real can last forever, but it can also be "rekindled"
You have made your mind up as to which route you will take and NO it is not just a "woman thing"

Bbbananas

Question Author

That's the nearest I've ever known you get to saying anything sentimental sqadlet.... xx