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Are we doomed?

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jem_bob | 10:26 Thu 18th Dec 2008 | Relationships & Dating
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I need your advice guys, on whether to stay in a potentially doomed relationship. Basically my partner of 3 years and I are in the process of buying a flat. Everything has been agreed and it's now got to the stage where we are sorting out the mortgage. I have sorted everything out throughout this; from finding the flat, liasing with the property developer, organising a meeting with a financial advisor, finding quotes for mortgages and dealing with the paperwork. My partner has done nothing at all! He claims he doesn't have time to do it at work, but I've had to give every spare minute and break at work to phoning around and sending emails to get it sorted. Thinking back, it has always been like this, me organising the holidays etc. If it were left up to him, nothing would be done. He has a good job and is smart, so I think it's just a case of him being lazy. It all came to a head last night when we needed to sit down and sign the mortgage papers. He spent 10mins reading over them and then went up to bed. He missed a vital piece of information that now means we'll need to find another provider and his whole attitude towards this stinks. He cannot be bothered, he thinks of it as a game. He gets excited about decorating the place and living on our own etc. But is not prepared to put the work in in order to buy the place. I want more from life and a man I can rely on. Should I try to change him, or quit now before we get tangled up in a mortgage? I love him more than anything and really don't know what to do.

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You will never change him. You can tell him exactly what you're thinking the future will be like and that you're not sure you're prepared to put up with it for the rest of your life and this will maybe jolt him into a kick up the jacksey.

You have 3 options really.

1. Leave him

2. Resign yourself to the fact you'll always be doing most of the legwork

3. Talk to him and HOPE there will be a slight change.

How old are you both?
Question Author
Thanks Lakitu, this is what my family have said. My Mum was in a similar situation, engaged to a guy just like him. She decided she didn't want to live like that and ended it. It was hard, but she's now got my Dad... who's fantastic. I really don't want to leave him, but I know the chances of him changing a slim to none! We're both 21, which I realise is young. We've been together for 3 years and felt this was the next step. Everything was fine before, but it's just taken this situation for me to realise what he's really like.
its entirely up to. I myeslf like to take charge of things as I know if I left it in his hands it wouldnt be done, but then he does DIY things tht he knows if he left it with me it would be done but really badly. We work with eachother, It doesnt sound to me you are happy with this situation and are the kind of woman that needs his help aswell. so maybe you should break up.
Jem, as you've said you're both young, but you're both still adults. You know what? I'm thinking this is his first serious, long term relationship, right? He's still living with his parent (s) and he's pretty much always had everything done for him....he's never HAD to take responsibility for himself because there's always been someone there to mop up if need be.

Rather than just ditching a relationship you don't want to ditch, could you put plans to move in together on hold for a while? Is it possible for you to get a place on your own without him? He really needs to take a step into the real world before anything will really change. I'm remembering when I first moved out of my parents, I didn't stop to think about the fact I'd have to stop buying (as much!) clothes in order to pay the bills or get food in for myself, but I sure got a wake up call pretty quickly, maybe that's what he needs more than anything.
Hi Jem, be brave and show him this post. You have articulated your problem and illustrated your frustration very well. He must surely see how he is behaving and how it is upsetting you if he reads this post.
Maybe he is just a boy and not ready for the real world yet. You could be in for a tough time if he does not change his attitude.
Good luck.
Question Author
I also like to take charge. I know if I'm doing it myself, it will be done properly. And I'd hate to have to keep chasing him up to check he's done things. It's just the principle that he has never once offered to help. This is probably the biggest thing we will ever do together and I feel I have no support. If I come back with a mortgage quote, he'll just trash it and say it's not good enough. But do nothing to find a better alternative. I'm happy to sort things out, but I just need his input when making decisions. He just seems utterly uninterested in making decisions or helping fill in forms etc. All he can see is us living together at the end of it and doesn't want to help out with all the hard work.
Question Author
Lakitu, you are so spot on! I am his first serious girlfriend and you're right... he has had everything done for him at home. And I mean EVERYTHING. I don't think he has ever been told the word no. Thanks as well Anna and 4getmenot. I may well show him. I've told him that there will be no flat and he seems devastated. He claims he didn't know I was struggling on my own, which is a lie as I've told him enough times. I don't think I should ditch him just yet, as Lakitu says. But I've tried to sit him down and talk through it last weekend, and it seems to gone in one ear and out the other. Not sure where to go from here. I want the flat more than anything. It's perfect and I'd love to live with him. I just need his support.
so you say you like to take charge, so if he offered would you let him? My bloke tries but I came home to find xmas presents wrapped up with silver duct tape lastnight and I had to re-wrap them :-)
Stick with him. Talking from male perspective, we sometimes need a kick to make that committment. I was cautious when I bought a house and married my wife. Seems so long ago but it was worth it. Talk to him and I hope it goes how you want.
Question Author
Hehe 4getmenot, that made me laugh. They can be so useless at times... sorry any guys reading this! I probably wouldn't let him, which makes me seem really petty. All I'm saying is I need help to make the decisions... whether we get a fixed mortgage for 3 years or 5, whether we pay the arrangement fee up front or spread it out over the length of the mortgage. These aren't decisions I can make on my own, this is what I needed help with. I wasn't happy to read through the papers on my own last night and sign anything without him, but getting him to sit down with it was like getting blood out of a stone. It makes me seem like a real nag, but we're in this together. Well, supposed to be. I want to stick with him more than anything, so steadyjack I'll keep kicking. Funny he should have the same name as you!
Rent somewhere first,and see if the relationship is strong when you live together. At least you can get out of that more easily.
gosh, he sounds like my ex-husband.. I used to run around doing everything important and he used to cut the grass! I remember thinking that if I stopped doing my jobs, we might lose the house. if he stopped doing his jobs, we'd have long grass.

sometimes it's nice to be in control of a situation, but in a relationship you have to be able to share the trying stuff. it's not fair that you should do it all. don't assume this will change once you're living together.

it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed, but this needs to be addressed...
Talk to him!
If this is the only problem you have he's not quite that bad. You could always just stop what you are doing and wait, i've done that and it works.
Question Author
I've spoken to him and he seems to be making a lot more effort. He kept offering to phone round mortgage lenders and get more involved, which is good news. How long it will last... I don't know!
this is what is known as.....

BEING A MAN!!

if i had a pound for everytime i thought to myself " if it was down to him it wouldnt get done" i would be a millionaire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously if i didnt do it in our house it wouldnt get done!!! i have to remind him to do everything!!

i have just excepted this is the way he is, god help us if i was the same tho!!!!!

question is can u accept this ??
Every successful relationship is based on an equitable sharing of key responsibilities. In the early stages the more domineering participant might, or may I say from experience, seek to explore the boundaries and establish a dominant relationship in which the other partner can be kept isolated from the more important decisions being made.

This is ubiquitous in all human relationships and will always be.

You could be his *** doing all the things he doesn't feel like doing himself because like a mummy's boy he's used to it all being done for him.

Or maybe he's genuinely needing you do the things you have been asked to do because he's so incredibly busy.

I know what I think. I would tell him he's an *** and move on. There are millions of decent men and women looking to find a soul-mate to love always in this world, why waste your time on this indifferent preoccupied person. Get out now and find all the people who will love you if you feel the same way about them.

I know what you will do. You will confront him with your concerns. He will already know all the right things to say and will try to win you round.

Just remember, if my life is anything to go by, however unlikely it may seem to you, and the road to it may be rocky and precipitous, you will find true love, the kind of love you wouldn't ever doubt. Not for a second.

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