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Should I leave my wife, for my soulmate?

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hawky204 | 01:00 Thu 10th May 2007 | Relationships & Dating
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I married the girl I'd been out with for 8 years, because it seemed the thing i should do. We had the wedding but I wasn't in love. We then had 2 (gorgeous!) kids (that I love to bits) and settled into 'life'. Having not even kissed anyone else for 15 years, 2 years ago, fate resulted in me spending the night with an amazing girl. We then went out again 2 weeks later and it was even better. Over the next 9 months we had some amazing times together (and talked of our future). She then went travelling around the world for a year during which we texted and e-mailed most days and spoke on the phone twice a week.. She was on the other side of the world but I felt totally in love. When she came back we again had some amazing times together and I moved in with her for a month. I was (and am still) totally in love with her, but my loyalty and love for my children (not for my wife) made me make the "right" decision and leave her for the sake of my kids. My 'love' and I had one powerful weekend subsequently, but I've not spoken to her for 7 weeks as I know I have to move out of my family home to show her I'm committed to her. I think of her every morning, through the day and every night. I haven't been close to my wife for ages because of how I feel towards my soulmate (and I don't feel anything towards my wife). I am torn between my children and an amazing girl that I really want to spend my life with (although I may have blown it - but prepared to win her back). I feel in a such a corner. Thanks for reading this - I would really wlecome your opinion.

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the answer may well be yes, you should leave, but there are definitely issues with this.

First, are you sure it's not your gf's unattainability that's making her seem wonderful? Living with her for a month is a good start, but are you sure there won't be rows about leaving the toilet seat up and whose turn it is to put out the rubbish? Because if there's any friction it will be compounded your wondering whether you did the right thing, and remembering how things were different during your marriage.

And there's your wife. She's given you most of her life, as well as providing you with children. Now you've found something better. But her life is going to be dreadful. Since you married her without loving her, it's your job to make this as painless as humanly possible - and it's never painless. It seems pretty clear from your post that you've decided to go and you want people to tell you you're doing the right thing. You are - for yourself. But you're going to devastate the lives of your family (kids too), possibly forever. Up to you to make this work.
even if there wasnt this other woman in the picture, i think you should leave your wife. it isnt fair on anyone to stay in this marriage. It will be hard of course, but within time you will be forgiven, if not by your wife, definately your children. It will easier to do this sooner rather than later.
You cannot move on to a new life without turning your back on your old one. Are you really prepared to do this? And what about the kids? You either leave them without a dad, or you wrench them from your wife. Also, bear in mind that few extra-marital affairs last. What if your girlfriend changes her mind and dumps you? (This can happen, even if she says she loves you).

I'm not for a minute saying you're doing anything wrong, but this is not a situation that can end happily. Nor am I trying to talk you out of it, but you really have to think it through.
I agree with the above posts.

There are only losers in these situations, unfortunately. You cannot help the way you feel..in hindsight you should never have married your wife, and I know as I go through this thought all the time as I did the same thing with my ex husband. The difference with me is that I took the 'made my bed and I shall lie in it' attitude.

I didn't meet my 'soulmate' until after my husband left me and the kids. If he had come along while I was still 'happily' married I am not sure if I would have started an affair or not..that I will never know!

It is a hard one. Incredibly emotive fo all involved. Many would say you should grab happiness when you can..you can still have contact with your kids but that will be tough for all concerned.

How does your wife actually fit into this..is she aware of all this (hard to imagine she isn't) but you don't actually state this in your post. Even though you are not in love with her you should still respect her as the mother of your children and try and do the right thing by all of them. What the right thing is, only you should know.
I don't agree - if you truly know that this girl will make you happy and you will spend the rest of your life with her then you should go. If you stay - both of you are going to be miserable, your wife will be unhappy and therefore your children will be unhappy. My mum satyed with my dad for many years for me and my sister and it resulted in a tense and unhappy time for most of the time.
As long as your new girlf realises your loyalty to your kids and understands that you will probably have a certain amount of contact with your ex wife. You can still be a great dad even though your not married to their mother -my dad was.
Good Luck
xxx
Personally i think that u need to do the right thing by your wife....at the end of the day she hasnt had an affair and your not 100% sure where your head is at. I would move out and go and live alone for a while whithout this soulmate person and think about your feelings.
I agree with the above posts that you should try to make it as smooth a transaction as possible for the sake of your wife and kids.

Once your out of the relationship and you have sorted out the situation with your family, then u can start thinking about other people. If she's your soulmate she will wait as u owe it to your family to be the decent dad.
Hi there,

This is a very hard situation.

There is no point in staying with your wife for the next 30 years just becasue it's 'convenient'. It's not fair on either of you or the children.

As the above post said, you can still be a good father to your children even if you don't live with them.
If you really love this girl as much as u mention, then don't give up this opportunity.

You only live once and if you don't followit through, you could regret it.

Again, just ensure that your life at home at the minute is well behind you and go for it.

Good luck xx
Well I dont think you should stay with your misses just bcoz u feel its not fair on your kids. If your truly unhappy and not in love with her. Its not fair on you, your wife or your kids.

Its suprising how much children can pick up when their parents are unhappy. My Mum and Dad stayed together for 11 years for the "sake of the kids", which just made my Mum really miserable. And it did have an affect on me and my siblings. Listening to endless arguments, physical abuse ect. Its not a nice thing to see your Dad making your Mum so unhappy. Or vica versa!

You can still be a good dad. See them at weekends, school holidays!!!

Does your wife know about your lover??
I don't think you should stay either for the kids alone, i agree with Kaylz1988, it can sometimes be worse for the kids. Just because you no longer live with them does not mean that you are leaving them without a dad as Romeo said, you can still be a great dad to them! I think you have to do what will make you happy but obviously make it as easy on your wife & kids as possible.
Good luck with whatever you decide
agree with kayl about leaving for sake of kids. But also dont think you deserve either one of them. You had an affair.
Who wouold want to lay money on the new girlfriend disappearing?

As has already been said..these relationships rarely last. I know I wouldn't set up home with a bloke who had left his wife. In fact when I was a teenager I had an affair with a married man. When he offered to leave his wife I dumped him ~ no way was I going to let him do the same to me!
wooo you go girl ;-)
as mentioned you might not even remain with your new girl but as long as you see your children regularly and they know you are always there for them they will be okay . But there is someone for every one and i hope you find yours if you decide that your wife is not your life partner
Even the other girl goes shouldnt give him a choice by saying that if she does you should really stay with other. He doesnt love her, and has cheated, surely he should have thought about his choices before he slept with someone else.
ooh tricky but my dad did the same. got married to my mum cos he felt presured n they had wonderful me n then broke up i have had a happy life n now that im older understand that i got a better life cos my mum n dad werent together. it sound like ur happy with this other woman n i think u should go for it. it will be difficult but its not fair to leave her hangin n ur kids will respect u for it in the long run (trust me) i hope wat ever u choose is the right decsion for u. good luck
If I was your wife, I wouldnt want you. I would hate a man to stay with me cos of children.

You can still be a dad - stop living a lie.
I've had further thoughts on this. You say you moved in with your gf for a month, in which case I assume your wife knows about you and your gf. That being the case, then the break has already been made and, if you've thought it through and your kids aren't devasted, then by all means go where your heart tells you.

However, you can't keep your cake and eat it. You have to accept that your wife keeps the kids. Can you do that?

If you live with soulmate, you could still see the kids, but if you live with the kids, will you still see soulmate?

One more thing - what does soulmate make of all this?

I hope everything turns out OK for you one way or another.
All I can tell you is this. I was faced with exactly the same situation once, and I did leave, and now years down the line I regret it and so does my husband. We regret all the trouble it caused and all the financial hardship it caused and all the effects it had on our children. If I could have the choice again I would have stayed, because you never think of all the things it affects, the family dos, the Christmasses, the torn family loyalties and even future grandchildren will never have that stability. But that does not mean to say you will have the same experiences, just passing on what happened to me.
Well I dont think family occasions will affect the family if you dont want it to. When my parents split my dad still come round for christmas, still saw us all on our birthdays. So really and truly its down to you "adults" to keep your childrens life styles as stable as possible!
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