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Heartbroken…….but I Can’T Stay Friends With Someone So Prejudiced
133 Answers
I have a best friend called Kelly – we met at school and have been close for about 6 years. We have been through so much together and have stayed close despite the ups and downs. Kelly is caring, funny and fantastic company. I thought we would remain close until the day we died – well I did until last Saturday. Now I am questioning if I even want to ever see or speak to that little monster again.
I always thought Kelly was a woke young woman who would fight against prejudice. She was the first one to condemn any racism or unfairness of any kind. But on Saturday night after a few drinks she let it slip that she would not date a man who had a vagina.
I froze and asked her to repeat herself. Kelly knows perfectly well that the fight against genital preference is something I take seriously – I thought we both did. This attitude is transphobic and not accepting of the transgender community. Genital preference is rooted in discrimination and excludes trans men who may not for whatever reason want to go through surgery or who have not yet transitioned. THESE PEOPLE DESERVE TO IDENTIFY AS WHO THEY REALLY ARE NOT WHO YOU WANT THEM TO BE!!
I asked Kelly speaking very slowly if you met a man who was absolutely perfect in every way and loved you completely would you leave him because of genital preference. She said “yes” and I just walked away from her. Why should a transgender man have to disclose the genitals they have at the start of a relationship – no one else has to talk about their genitals on the first date. This is discrimination.
Now I am just totally reconsidering if I want any relationship with Kelly and it kills me to type that I mean she was my rock. Maybe the whole woke thing was just to be trendy and not because she really cares. She called me this morning and doubled down on not being attracted to vaginas – she said “ether you accept it or you don’t”. I calmly said to her “Kelly you don’t love men you love cis men and you love the very privilege that puts you on a pedestal. Now go away you nasty little monster”.
This situation is really devastating to me because remember this is my best friend. I would never want to be friends with a racist, a homophobe or a sexist. I mean I would speak with them because I feel dialogue is always needed to turn misguided people around but I wouldn’t want to be best friends with them or anything until they had renounced their views. In fact I do speak with a few racists and sexists I’m not scared to swap ideas with anyone.
Sorry for ranting, not really a question at all just needed to get this off my chest.
Broken
I always thought Kelly was a woke young woman who would fight against prejudice. She was the first one to condemn any racism or unfairness of any kind. But on Saturday night after a few drinks she let it slip that she would not date a man who had a vagina.
I froze and asked her to repeat herself. Kelly knows perfectly well that the fight against genital preference is something I take seriously – I thought we both did. This attitude is transphobic and not accepting of the transgender community. Genital preference is rooted in discrimination and excludes trans men who may not for whatever reason want to go through surgery or who have not yet transitioned. THESE PEOPLE DESERVE TO IDENTIFY AS WHO THEY REALLY ARE NOT WHO YOU WANT THEM TO BE!!
I asked Kelly speaking very slowly if you met a man who was absolutely perfect in every way and loved you completely would you leave him because of genital preference. She said “yes” and I just walked away from her. Why should a transgender man have to disclose the genitals they have at the start of a relationship – no one else has to talk about their genitals on the first date. This is discrimination.
Now I am just totally reconsidering if I want any relationship with Kelly and it kills me to type that I mean she was my rock. Maybe the whole woke thing was just to be trendy and not because she really cares. She called me this morning and doubled down on not being attracted to vaginas – she said “ether you accept it or you don’t”. I calmly said to her “Kelly you don’t love men you love cis men and you love the very privilege that puts you on a pedestal. Now go away you nasty little monster”.
This situation is really devastating to me because remember this is my best friend. I would never want to be friends with a racist, a homophobe or a sexist. I mean I would speak with them because I feel dialogue is always needed to turn misguided people around but I wouldn’t want to be best friends with them or anything until they had renounced their views. In fact I do speak with a few racists and sexists I’m not scared to swap ideas with anyone.
Sorry for ranting, not really a question at all just needed to get this off my chest.
Broken
Answers
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I am sorry that you feel that this instance has to break your friendship.
As I see it, part of being a close friend with someone is respecting that their views on some things may be different from your own, not wrong, or inappropriate, simply different, because the choice to own our views is a concept that has been fought for, and hard won, and we should ensure that we respect and abide by it accordingly.
My wife and I have been married for thirty-three years, we disagree on capital punishment, religious faith and homosexuality, but respect for each others' views means that we simply agree to differ. We each know the other's views, and the reasons that form them, but we don't see things the same way, and that is not a good reason to deny ourselves the joy and support of our relationship.
Have a talk with your friend, and be prepared to accept that, in this instance, you simply view the world differently, but that does not negate your mutual experiences, and the strength of your friendship that is a result of them.
It would be a shame to lose someone so important if the relationship can be salvaged - it's worth a try, you have nothing to lose.
The worst that happens is you are where you are now, bereft and hurting, and the best is that you climb over this and move on, which your friendship deserves, and I would suggest that both of you deserve it too.
As I see it, part of being a close friend with someone is respecting that their views on some things may be different from your own, not wrong, or inappropriate, simply different, because the choice to own our views is a concept that has been fought for, and hard won, and we should ensure that we respect and abide by it accordingly.
My wife and I have been married for thirty-three years, we disagree on capital punishment, religious faith and homosexuality, but respect for each others' views means that we simply agree to differ. We each know the other's views, and the reasons that form them, but we don't see things the same way, and that is not a good reason to deny ourselves the joy and support of our relationship.
Have a talk with your friend, and be prepared to accept that, in this instance, you simply view the world differently, but that does not negate your mutual experiences, and the strength of your friendship that is a result of them.
It would be a shame to lose someone so important if the relationship can be salvaged - it's worth a try, you have nothing to lose.
The worst that happens is you are where you are now, bereft and hurting, and the best is that you climb over this and move on, which your friendship deserves, and I would suggest that both of you deserve it too.
GLT - // An intimate friendship with someone holding prejudiced views would certainly be detrimental to my own mental wellbeing and I have to put that first. //
That depends on whether or not you are putting something you disagree about as the be-all and end-all of your friendship.
I have suggested that it needn't be, but you appear to have already made up your mind.
That depends on whether or not you are putting something you disagree about as the be-all and end-all of your friendship.
I have suggested that it needn't be, but you appear to have already made up your mind.
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