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Am I Being Unreasonable By Not Wanting To Wait For His Daughter To Move Out Before We Move On With Our Relationship?

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Anne1977 | 07:39 Sat 17th Aug 2019 | Relationships & Dating
40 Answers
Hello all,
If you had the patience to read my previous post you will know the set up to my relationship.
Basically, I have had 'the' talk re where does my partner see our relationship going.
We live 45 mins apart, I and at 42 i have never been fortunate enough to get my foot on the housing ladder. He has. In fact pays his mortgage off in 7 years and loves his home. If I'm honest, I'm envious that he has been so successful, whereas I'm a single mum who is a nurse in a housing association property.
Anyway, there is a comprise in my mind.
I would like to purchase a property midway between his house and mine in the next 18 months (so that his daughter has a room as does mine, and both are able to stay at the same uni and school and we can stay in close proximity to our employment).
He, on the other hand says he can't do anything until his daughter decides to move out, which is likely to be 4-5 years!
She is 21 and doesn't work or drive, but attends uni and lives on her parents payouts. So realistically it could be longer. Therefore, I'd be approx 48yrs old before I could look to building a home with him, so I'm left hanging on.
I love him, he loves me, we've both made it clear we're committed to each other.
Am I being unreasonable to say, I don't want to wait 4-5 years before we even think about building a home?
Atm I feel I'm just hanging around waiting for his daughter to move out - which, let's be honest, she's living board free, not working, so she's unlikely to be saving for a home (she has a boyfriend of 2yrs who works, but it's not a well paid job).
I know he loves his home. I do mine (even though I don't own it).
But in my mind, it's bricks and mortar. I'd be giving up a lot to move in with him, and I sometimes think, he thinks because I don't own my property, it has less personal value. Which it doesn't.
I don't want it to come across that I'm not waiting for his daughter to move out, so he has to choose. I want him to know I'm including his daughter in our future plans, I'm just not happy at settling for 4-5 years before I build a home with him.
I'm struggling to live as a single parent with all of my outgoings. Financially, to live together and combine our incomes we could have a nice home, and I wouldn't be counting every penny.
I'm not a cow, but I'm worried it will come across that I'm selfish by wanting to have a future together sooner than he is prepared to give.
I am aware, I may have to walk away from this relationship. I don't think he anticipates this, as I knows I'm a soft touch who accepts most of his decisions.
Many thanks for taking the time to read this post, and especially so, if you are kind enough to answer.
Xx

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I’m a tad confused, is he supporting his daughter whilst she is at uni?
In Anne's earlier post, she said the daughter lives 50/50 with mum and dad, is at university and doesn't work.
don't blame you..think you, he and daughter need a sit down and talk ! she is not a child and needs to be aware of the situation..get her on side and it could be much easier for you..all !
RR,

//He on the other hand, is financially well off, independent, and although his 21yr daughter stays with him (she lives around the corner at her mum's the other 50% and has been in a relationship for 2 yrs) she has never worked, and has relied on money from her parent's to get her through life//
You need to do as minty has suggested. A solution that suits all of you. Alienation will risk destroying your relationship. There is an answer, you must find it.
You know what? It doesn't matter what we think. For you is this a deal breaker? Because if it is move on and if its not then accept it.
I'm inclined to agree with woofy. You blame the daughter, and if he gets a whiff of this I imagine he'll be off like a rocket, I know I would.
Rocky and woof thank you for putting it that way.
What I was trying to get to the bottom of was the apparent jealousy against his daughter as she seems to have an issue with this man supporting his child.
Question Author
Thank you for all your answers.
I really don't blame the daughter at all. If anything, it's the parents I blame. But I appreciate everyone has a different style of parenting. It's not my place to comment on how he chooses to do this.
I am not alienating her at all, I want to get a place where she has a room too.
I'm extremely sensitive to her feelings. My dad chose a woman over my brothers and I, and ended up moving 200 miles away which meant we had to find homes elsewhere. I was 20yrs old at the time and was bullied by my step mother. I still feel hurt and resentment towards my dad for this. So I WAS this daughter once upon a time, so I would never in a million years do that to another.
She is very much included in our future. I like her very much.
So please don't think that I'm the kind of individual who would ever make a child feel like that. If anything I'm too sensitive.
I just have a desire to move forward sooner than 4-5 years. After all, it's my security too. Who will want to give a mortgage to a 48 Yr old? I've nothing to leave my daughter should anything happen to me. At the very least, I'd like to invest in a property sooner.
At present I'm just throwing rent away on a property that will never be mine, and at present, that makes me feel like I'm failing as an individual. So, to think of throwing another 4-5 years of rent away is very disheartening.
I know a conversation needs to happen, and it looks likely that I'll have to walk away, which also breaks my heart.
I just don't have anyone to talk to about this, hence my post. I just wanted other people's opinions before it took place, so I could take on board your viewpoint.
Thank you all for your kind answers.
I get it now,
a soap opera I haven't viewed yet.

Fill me in.
TALK ! I wish you the very best of luck xx
I don't know what house prices in your area are like, but if she's 21, she's probably just finished uni or has a year left, she'll then have to find a job, then hopefully enjoy herself for a while, then start saving for her own place. You could be realistically looking at longer than 4-5 years. She might already have a plan, she might not mind moving if that's what her dad wants, and you also need to think about the possibility that he is using his daughter as an excuse to avoid commitment.
Crikey...I was thinking back to my college days....I worked every easter, summer and christmas from 16 and the rest of the time I worked on essays and the like.....I could not have afforded to live in a place of my own at that time. This young woman is being helped by her parents...that is what parents do if they can.
Has his daughter any inclination towards self)sufficiency? Getting part time work around uni hours etc? Has he got, in theory, room for you and your daughter to move in in his current property? Is that something that could be considered on a temporary basis? As you said, it would help loosen your purse strings a little, and maybe enable you to start saving for your daughter's future? Even though you may. Not have a property to leave her, a few grand to help get her on the property ladder when that time comes will be very helpful. I think compromise all round may be needed.
Morning Ann, yes I did read your original post,do you get on well with his daughter? Could you perhaps sit down ,all four of you and discuss what future you would all have together and try to iron out any difficulties before making a move , it's better doing it before than afterwards, good luck with whatever you decide to do
I remember your post and seem to think thatyou could not move in with him because your daughter needed to remain at her current school where she is happy and close to her friends. Has that all changed so that you can consider moving away?
Basically, you want him to move house. And he doesn’t want to. The present situation suits him more than you.

You have 2 choices:
1. End the relationship.
2. Do nothing and carry on as you are.

If I were him, I would be very wary of your proposal. I would not want to sell my biggest asset, and then get a join mortgage with you. I am assuming you do not have money for half of the deposit on a new place, so you would expect him to pay it all. Would you expect him to use all the money from the sale of his house to put into the new property, so as to get a smaller mortgage? You talk of pooling your resources, but in reality you don’t have any assets. Even your pay scales are different.

You should give up on buying a house, it ain’t going to happen. As I said earlier your only options are to wait, or end the relationship.
As generous as you may be why should you subsidise his workshy daughter indefinitely. She could work part time like it used to be the case while studying.
You are confusing too many different priorities to be able to make a clear decision.

Is your main aim to live with this man as a couple in a stable relationship or ease your financial burden and improve your assets so you have something to leave your own daughter when you die?

I admire a man who puts his children before his girlfriend, no matter how grown up those children are.
Are you sure that he wants a mortgage? I've been mortgage free for over 20 years and there is no way I would ever consider burdening myself with another mortgage in my 50s - I assume this man is in the same age bracket.

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