One Way Friendship?

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Chasingcars | 23:06 Mon 25th Nov 2013 | Relationships & Dating
10 Answers
This is quite similar to queenofmeans question on 5th November and would welcome your thoughts.....
I met a now friend of mine back in 2000 on a temp work placement. When i left we stayed in touch, unitially we lived in the same town and then even when I moved home and jobs we stayed in touch and now 14 years on we are still in touch and still friends.
However, my friend got married a few back and i guess his wife doesnt like him having a female friend- nothing has been said but just a feeling i get along with the fact i dont hear from him or see him as much now. To add im married too.
The thing is over last couple of years he has suffered with death of his mother, ill health and having to move in with his inlaws as both he and his wife stopped working. I have always been there for him and on many times had the phone glued to my ear for hours listening and offerng advice.
But, whenever i suggest meeting up now he has an excuse, his main reason is that he is so tight for money he cant afford to visit so ive said it doesnt matter im happy to drive to him or meet him halfway between both houses. The thing is i know he has had a hard time it would just be nice to have a good old natter. His reply is he doesnt have much to talk about, he has no money etc and although i have been lucky with regards to my work and health i dont talk about me so I'm trying to being sensitive to his situation.
Anyway, i dont hear from him for ages, then i got the odd texts, i guess when his wife is busy or out and its like he is his old self and then sometimes i get texts where he has a different more formal tone, like his texts have been written for him.
Im in two minds, do i carry on just being there for him as and when he gets in touch, as and when he needs a friend? Part of me thinks you should be there for someone no matter what, but thats making me feel a bit used.....on the flip side, friendship is a two way thing...for example when i got pregnant last year, he never came to see me, when i was in hospital with complications for a month, he never visted and when my little girl was born he never asked to visit. my little girl is now one and yes he has had a hard time, but i feel like shouting its not all about you! He never asks what ive been upto or how ive been. His view is as he doesnt have much to talk about the its not worth catching up and thats what makes me think, is he a friend worthing keeping? Even if he doesnt want to talk about his rubbish life (his words), i still have lots to talk about and I wouldnt mind a friendly ear to listen to my problems sometimes!The only reason im in two minds is we do go back a long way and it would make me sad to think that our friendship fizzled out. To add, nothing has ever happened between us, and if it was going to, we have had plenty of chances but we are just mates. Ive even tried the direct approach saying to him if dont want to meet up or be friends, please just say. His reply is 'dont be silly' and then says we will meet up next month etc etc. but next month never comes. What to do, or not.
Would welcome views - thankyou.


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I'd just leave it if I were you. Friendships, however close, do wax and wane, and tbh I've had close friends and we have drifted apart over the years. Leave it to him to make contact. It does sounds as if he doesn't want you to talk to him about your stuff - so there's not much in it for you, these days.

Friendships do fade away, for no particular reason - you have to accept it, and move on.
He has no money. I wouldn't go and meet a friend if I had no money.

Other peoples baby's can be a complete bore. Wait and see how he is and what effort he makes when he's back on his feet.
Question Author
Thankyou both. Agree ummm i get the baby thing so had planned to visit alone. The money thing is true ish but i think he is using this as an excuse as he as had the same excuse for about 2 years. I said id shout him a coke, as true friends would would accept a drink off a friend surely?!
He's being kind. Just leave it. Step back. He doesn't really want to meet up in person.
I would ask him whether his wife is happy for you to meet up. I'm sure he's give you an honest answer as a friend? If she's unhappy, make friends with her and see them both. If it's his choice, not much you can do.
In all honestly I wouldn't meet anyone if I couldn't buy them a drink back.

He might just be keeping his wife happy...
He's not suggesting meeting up, though - it's c-cars who is persisting in asking. He doesn't want to.
Question Author
I wouldnt say that im asking all of the time, probably once every other month. Part of the reason ive asked over is im concerned he may be down and need help as he suffered a little with depression in the past. Im trying to be a friend but maybe my friendship just isnt wanted anymore.
Even if he cant buy me a drink, ive offered to go to his house and have a coffee. I do know his wife and we do get on, obviously not as close as ive only known her for a few years and met handful of times.
Just give it time. There could be loads of things going on in his life that you don't know about.
Well if he is struggling with depression, he might not be up to meeting you. Leave it with him. He knows where you are x

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