My Mum, Part 2

[Cocacolaaa]

I feel terrible, the other day I posted a post about my mum and how we were not getting along, and I felt terrible for posting it. Well the situation has got worse.

Today over messaging i told her that she was my problem. How she always talks bad of people, (friends and family of mine). and is abusive towards me, with swear words and has a nasty tongue. I also said that I hope it doesnt stay like this forever.

At the time I felt I was doing the right thing by letting her know how i feel, and now i've said it, i feel bad. :( What am i going to do. We are in 2 different countries... My dad is not alive, so i cant talk to him about it. THey were separated since I was born but I still always went to him when I had a problem with my mum. Its a nightmare. I think I'll speak to her brother, my uncle about it. I'm scared to speak to people, because she always says i turn people against her. This is a real nightmare situation for me. Is it too deep for Answebank... urghhhh.... My head is frazzled. Today she told me I was full of SH*T, and now I actually wonder if i am... :(

[woofgang]

If she is giving you such a problem then close off communication. How old are you?

[Cocacolaaa]

im 31. I dont want to close communication because she is alone. I'm an only child, and she doesnt have very many friends, she's completely independent, and only does what she wants. She has brothers and sisters though. She is causing me problems. yes. I just dont want to go through life like this, arguing with her, we are suppose to be best friends, mother and daughter. I wish my dad was here so much. I'm so sorry for bothering you all with this. It's my only problem... my relationship with my mum. She's a beautiful person, just seems with me she's not. she always talks bad of people we both know, although she disowned them many years ago, and I stayed friends because they were my dads friends... it's so complicated. she's just messaged me saying "Stick in with the wonderful people, if you need help go to them because i wont have a bed in her house!" huffff

[woofgang]

Well honestly Mum or not, if she is making you feel so bad I would be cutting communication. She is an adult person, as you say, independent, does what she wants and has relatives. If she wants to have friends, she could. She doesn't sound isolated to me, maybe spoiled?
You have your own life and emotional health to consider. If she isn't willing to go halfway in the relationship, then with respect, you will get nowhere. if you don't want to cut the connection permanently, at least give yourself a break from her and tell her so.

[Cocacolaaa]

Thanks Woofgang! :) I hate the idea of her upset, its like mental torture for me, knowing that im the one that caused her to feel bad. In return, i feel bad. Yes I think a communication cut for a while might be a good idea. Ideally i would just like something that would solve this problem once and for all. x

[ummmm]

Has she always been like this?

[woofgang]

nah, you aren't causing her to feel bad, she is doing that to herself. Its an old manipulative trick called "look how you made me feel"

[Cocacolaaa]

not when i was a child. She was a superb mother. Very caring. Doesnt drink alcohol, i had a very stable childhood. It seems to have gotten worse since my father died. I think she feels like now she has all the responsibility. She always says i only want her money, and nasty things like that. She calls people names with a sour face, and she talks badly of my father sometimes... She was on holiday visiting a couple of weeks ago, and i've just got a new house and it's lovely, so i was a little on edge when she was here, telling her not to touch things and stuff, i admit that. Im not prefect either, but i just cant handle the abuse. I messaged her today to say I hope she was having a nice time, as she's away on a retreat at the moment, and this argument breaks out... it's crazy!!! I'm at my tether.

[woofgang]

I thought that a retreat was a time of not communicating with those outside the retreat? Why on earth did you message her?

[Cocacolaaa]

I just messaged her to say I hope she was having a nice time.

[VHG]

>>>>so i was a little on edge when she was here, telling her not to touch things and stuff,

That must have gone down well.

[Cocacolaaa]

just the normal things of a new house, how to use the taps, etc. But i've only been in the house a couple of months, so im still getting used to how it works myself. that is all. Its fine. Thanks for your answers, I know im not perfect, its a relationship problem, and there are two in this relationship.

[Jemisa]

Write her a letter telling her what you have told us. Tell her you love her.
Why are you runnong around asking others? Do it now life is too short, we never know how much longer on this earth we have.
You have both hurt each other & its got to stop, show how grown up you really are....
Can you go to see her? I think you both need HUGS.

From a mum who knows... Jem :)

[Cocacolaaa]

Thanks :) I just needed someone to talk to. Someone that doesnt know either of us, because as i said, she says when i talk to people i turn them against her. So apart from my dad who is no longer with us, I have no one. That's why i came here.

[woofgang]

Oh... so its not her who is alone, its you....do you have neighbours, work colleagues...anyone to talk to?

[Cocacolaaa]

I didnt realise i am alone, yes i am alone. I have work colleagues and friends. But i dont want to talk to them about my mum, i want them to think good of my mum, and not hear me speaking bad things about her. I dont want people forming opinions.

[albaqwerty]

Friends and work colleagues will form their own opinions about your mum (and you) whether you say anything or not.
People make their own mind up.

Are you always in 2 different counties?

[Cocacolaaa]

I've been in a different country for 2 years now, and my lifestyle is much better, more healthy. I would only move back if I had to.

[woofgang]

I wasn't asking about your talking to your friends about your Mum I just wondered if you were lonely and if that's why you felt that you had to hang on to your mum regardless of her behaviour.

[Cocacolaaa]

No. I love my mum, and the reason i want to hang onto her is because I know she is a good person, and i love her dearly, and would hate for a complete relationship breakdown to happen!! I will leave it a while, with no contact and let things settle down a bit. I think that is the best option. I might also speak to my uncle, (her brother) about it. Thanks for helping me get this off my chest, i've appreciated being able to speak. x

[Cocacolaaa]

Thanks Woofgang & all :)