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How would you feel?

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GillR | 18:00 Mon 20th Sep 2004 | Body & Soul
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If your bloke (fiancee of 3 years) had once a crush on a female friend (who he only knew for about 6 months) and you caught him sending suggestive texts, broke up with him, he realised what he'd done and was so apologetic and hurt, got back together again, but he would not after everything stop seeing the girl as a friend....how would you feel? Is it bad that I feel really let down and sick every time I knew he has been in touch with her. Should he consider me more and let go of a 'friend' he hardly knows? Is it just me???

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Around 2-3 years ago my wife (fiancee at time) had a problem with one of my old girlfriends. She was not happy about something that occurred (I did not have an affair or anything but it will take too long to go into). WE had a bit of a row and in the end I decide that my girlfriend was more important to me than my other friend. I have not really spoken to my friend since (although I have not avoided her either). If you have asked him to cut out other friends then this may be your issue , but if it is just this girl who you feel is a threat, I think it is up to him. I see relationships as a compromise. Depending on the level of compromise needed the better the relationship works. Most of my single friends are not willing to compromise and hence are single. Hope this makes some sort of sense
yes oneeyedvic - I agree. relationships are about give and take and compromise. sometimes you do have to make sacrifices which you are unhappy with - it depends how bad you want the relationship to work.
I would feel exactly the same as you. I have a friend who was in a similar situation to your fiance (although he & his girlfriend were 'on a break' at the time and the other woman was an old friend of his). He made his choice and now, although he's still in touch with her, no longer sees this woman on a regular basis - for him, it was an issue of respecting his girlfriend and their relationship. If he could sacrifice an old friend to save his relationship then I personally don't see the problem with your fiance ditching this 'friend' who he barely knows.
If he's acting secretive about it I'd say you're right to be suspicious Gill, but if he's quite open and lets you read the texts sent/received then things are probably on a friendship only basis. Does the other woman know you exist and about all the trouble the texting has caused? If your fiancee hasn't told her about you alarm bells should ring.
I think it's total bull***t. If he still wants to "explore his options" then go ahead and keep building the bond between the two of them - because that's all that will happen is they will get closer - but if he truly wants you then he needs to learn the true meaning of sacrifice. It's one thing if it's just superficial, as every man is going to look at and want to be seen with hot chicks. But this clearly is more than that. I understand you're engaged to be married. Well consider if you think that his attraction/attachment will grow in seriousness, and if this is just an indicator of how he will treat you when situations like this arise in the future. I know that sick and let down feeling that you speak of because although my husband has never cheated on me hes has broken my heart. THinking about something is the first step. communicating it ie. sending suggestive texts is the second and the only thing left is action. He should consider you more, and like they say, you teach people how to treat you by how you let them treat you. I'm very sorry to hear your position as I know how it can feel. Best wishes.
hire a private detective which is what i do for a living.
She might be a friend. He was apologetic, he sees her as a friend. It all comes down to are you ever gonna trust him being friends with a lady again? An attractive lady? Maybe he has got a cheatin' heart, but if you are like this then you are going to really annoy him. You may lose him a friend. A group of friends. He probably REALLY likes you. And you are puttting him in a helluvah situation. Don't put it in terms of "me or her" because he might pick you and end up losing a friend and retaining a paranoid wife.
And by the way, I would feel bad, but I would talk to my partner ask there was nothing going on. Honestly. Then try to befriend the other. A friend of my girlfriends I always try to make a friend of mine, even though I often loathe them.
Actually, what flashpig says about befriending the other woman helped me in similar situations. I never gave a hoot about her and it never helped the situation resolve itself but it atleast made me feel a bit better.
I'm kinda in your fella's situation at the moment. Although I'm not engaged. I've been texting a friend a lot and my boyfriend gets the raving hump if he knows about it (which he does because I tell him even if he doesn't ask, not to wind him up but because I want to be honest). I don't see this friend as he lives too far away but given the chance I would see him. I would take on the advice people have been giving you. Try to become friends with this girl too. Maybe suggest all three of you going out together for dinner. If you don't like her after that try setting her up with a friend of yours on a date? If everything else fails, maybe have a word in her ear saying how you are feeling. The thing is relationships are based on trust. By showing these feelings you would be basically saying that you don't trust your fiance. That's how I feel at the moment when I have an argument with my fella about this situation. If all else fails swipe his phone and erase her number! Whatever you do though do NOT give him an ultimatum.
If nothing happened between them when you broke up with him, that should speak volumes. I would try and get him to put himself in your place and see how he would like it. I can't think of any bloke who would like to be on the receiving end.
I agree with Yinzer 100%. Your feelings count more than ANY of his other girl 'friends' - particularly this girl over whom you've had a row.
This happened to me except my bf did sleep with the girl. Then he had to go on working with her and I hated it, but he could hardly sack her (imagine the implications). I do think if he had carried on seeing her in a social context I would've been really unhappy with it. I had a go at him about stuff like why did he still have her no in his fone, and he said he had to have it for work, which was plausible. When she left the company I watched him delete it! GillR, I would tell him exactly how you feel. It is a tough situation but if your bf is doing something that makes you feel let down and sick on a regular basis, you're just never gonna be happy and secure. He needs to assess his priorities.

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