Crosswords2 mins ago
Tesco
One night in the Six Bells, Stan says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor" "Listen, you don't have to waste your time sitting in doctors surgeries," replies Mike. "There's a diagnostic computer in Tesco's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes only ten seconds and costs five quid - a lot better that a sitting doctor surgeries."
So Stan pops a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits a fiver into the machine and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water, rub in some arnica (Aisle 4) and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Tesco.
That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Stan began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Tesco before it closed, eager to check the result.
He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction and awaited the results. The computer lights up and ten seconds later prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
So Stan pops a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits a fiver into the machine and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water, rub in some arnica (Aisle 4) and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Tesco.
That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Stan began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Tesco before it closed, eager to check the result.
He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction and awaited the results. The computer lights up and ten seconds later prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
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