I Hate Being The Responsible One

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rowanwitch | 11:51 Fri 04th Dec 2020 | Body & Soul
35 Answers
Finally bit the bullet regarding mum, I have a phone appointment booked with her GP for monday, have emailed them a summary of what we have noticed , and why we think she might have dementia. I feel sick that I have to do this but she is probably past the point where she could ask for help, anyway she is too stubborn to do it even if she could. I am just tired of the accusations and the phone calls telling me her tv isn't working because the repair shop isn't on, well it wouldn't be it's 0600 but she thinks it should be and its someone else's fault....
The list is endless and will be sadly familiar to do many. life's rubbish sometimes.


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hi rowan, very familiar unfortunately.
My Mother in law used to ring us to tell us there was someone standing in her bedroom (there never was of course)
I was round there once and the neighbour came round to complain about her having the TV on super loud at 3am. My lovely, mild mannered mother in law turned into a screaming harridan, gave her a shove and slammed the door in her face. I found it very shocking to see.
You have made a big step, but I would caution you against fretting about it. In these covid times, i'm not sure if the GP will actually do anything - I don't even know if memory clinics are still running. When the GP does do something, you may find that there is either something that can be treated, or at the very least medicine to halt a decline may be prescribed
of course it was much easier for me because she wasn't my mum, so I could kind of detach and leave the more difficult bits to my sister in law
You don't feel it and your mother can't say it but you are a good and loving daughter doing what you must.
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I am also big sister, and because she lives nearer to mum she is bearing the brunt of it. I just feel worse because all mum wants is to come and live with me. Tried it at the start of lockdown after two months I was barely functional.
You are being responsible. You’re doing the right thing.
Stay firm rowan, you are doing just what any responsible daughter would do. Very hard I know, but with your mum's best interests at heart.
It's a terrible condition to have. I recall my grandmother suffering from it. Good luck with it all.
You're doing the right thing. People often put the needs of others in front of their own and if that goes on for any time it can easily result in two people being ill.
when my mum was suffering from dementia, we had to make the decision to put her in a care home. Horrible decision to make to be honest, but all the family agreed she couldn't look after herself any longer.
You are dfoing the right thing for your mum, hard as it is
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She is at that difficult stage, still able to wash, dress and mostly sort out food for herself. If she would accept it she really just needs a morning care visit to supervise her meds and make sure she starts the day knowing what time it is. She would never agree though as neighbours carer stole the old ladies purse and mum trusts no one. Would never let someone have a key to her flat and no matter how lonely she says she is, would never consider a day centre when they reopen. She has always expected my sister and I to be her world.
Maggiebee. When you write “ are doing just what any responsible daughter would do”, was your choice of ‘daughter’ deliberate?

If so, then I’m not going to argue, but damn me shouldn’t it be ‘child’, not daughter?

I know it nearly always IS daughter, but it really should not be so.

Rowan. Unless you live in a biggish house with 2 or 3 equally responsible adults, it HAS to be a ‘home’ for your survival.
At least you have made a decision now and hopefully get the ball rolling, regards helping your Mum. Can't be easy, but it's the right thing to have done. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're a lovely daughter.
Heart wrenching decisions Rowan and I can well understand you hating having to at least start making moves on this, we live with guilt when so often we are doing only the best we can.

Sending you extra strength.
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Thanks folks, sometimes you really do need the reassurance you are not being selfish rather than kind. It's just that mum knows I have a spare room and am on my own, so why shouldn't she live with me.... She has already told other family members I don't want her.
be honest do you want her to live with you?
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No I dont, I would have no personal space, when she stayed for two months I couldn't even watch what I wanted to on tv because she can only manage very light entertainment or sport, She wouldn't watch a different TV as she always wants to be the centre of things. I would have to lose my independance, as she wanted to know where I was going and when I would be back even if I said I wanted to just go for a walk. She is also very argumentative now and I am not always the most easy going person. I also know I would not get much support from my sister as she never visits me in Birmingham because she and her husband won't leave their cats even for one night and refuse to use catteries or sitters. She would just make a duty phone call every day and leave me to it.
thought as much, the options are limited then to seeing, talking with the doctor to see what they can suggest
One of our ABers, DTCwordfan, wrote a book about his experiences with his mother, available on Amazon.
''My Mother Has Dementia (or Alzheimer's), Am I Going Mad?''
got lots of response too.
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I must look that up, I do think it's me sometimes,

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