Lack Of Intimacy

[Snafu03]

Is talking to your partner about lack of intimacy in a relationship a strategy that produces a solution?

Or is it like trying to talk someone into liking cabbage?

[jno]

depends (a) how much the partner wants to talk and (b) whether the problem is actually soluble by the two of them. Does she dislike intimacy, or just dislike her partner? Or are there other things on her mind that are distracting her?

If she won't talk about it, there's no way of finding out.

[Snafu03]

I should imagine the conversation would be driven by the partner wishing to get it back on track. The partner who is 'withholding' wouldn't necessarily wish to give too much to the conversation as they are already essentially 'getting what they want'.

[dannyk13]

Not talking to your about about such matters could eventually lead to some resentment.

[dannyk13]

^partner^

[nailit]

//Is talking to your partner about lack of intimacy in a relationship a strategy that produces a solution? //

My last relationship ended because my ex point blank refused to talk about her lack of intimacy towards me. She went of sex and I was just supposed to accept it. Any attempt to suggest any help was met with the accusation that I was the one being selfish. It wasn't just the sex it was the total disregard for anything that I needed to feel valued in a relationship... affection, touching, etc. In the end she wouldn't even make me a cup of tea without complaining. I have at least 2 friends who are now in the same predicament and are really unhappy in their marriages and their wives are oblivious to the fact.
I am happily single now and enjoying it. If I WERE to enter into another relationship and it started going the same way, I wouldn't even bother trying to talk about it. I would just clear off...

[Snafu03]

Its probably at the 'taboo subject' level tbh :-(

[nailit]

Tabboo? Why?

[dannyk13]

That's not a very healthy situation and could lead to all sorts of problems.

[snags]

Plenty you can do to make cabbage more palatable :p

If you don't even attempt to talk about it how else will you find out?

[Mamyalynne]

It certainly shouldn't be a taboo subject - if you are in a relationship which has previously been intimate you ought to be able to talk about any topic affecting that relationship.

The conversation though difficult should not touch on blame, rather a desire to rekindle what was once there, the problem is when one partner has no wish to work towards that.

But try you must to speak about it, gently.

[jno]

the only way to improve cabbage is to toss it in the bin, along with broccoli. The same may be true of a partner who's gone off you. But it's always worth trying to talk first.

[ummmm]

My OH is very touchy feely, I'm not!!

We do talk about it. He knows my history and understands why I am the way I am. I also understand him.

[nailit]

What is it with all these posts about trying to talk about it?
If a womans gone of you sexually, don't waste your time tryng to 'talk'.
It isn't going to happen. I learnt the hard way, my friends are in the process of learning.

[andy-hughes]

nailit - I can't agree.

The reasons for changes in behaviour are many and complex, and an attempt to sort them out can save heartache later.

For a species as sophisticated as ours, it's amazing that our ability to communicate with each other is still so backward - but we have what we have, and we persevere with it.

A relationship without communication is on its way out - trying to save it may work, but not trying will see it end anyway, so what's to lose apart from a little time and trouble? If a relationship is not worth that, then by all means move on.

[Mamyalynne]

Nailit, what is it with suggested one doesn't talk about it?

Not every relationship is the same, many are worth saving - the reasons for lack of previous intimacy can be many including medical.

Do you throw away everything that doesn't work first time?

[nailit]

Andy, only speaking from experience. And observation. (of my friends relationships).
As you say yourself A relationship without communication is on its way out.
I was still in love with my last partner but once the intimacy (on her part anyway) went so did the relationship and no amount of talking made a jot of difference.

[pixie374]

You won't talk her into it- after a while it just feels like pressure. Change the approach instead.

[jno]

nailit, there may be other reasons than that she's just gone off him.

[nailit]

Mamy //Do you throw away everything that doesn't work first time?//
No I don't, I tried for at least two years to make our relationship work. I learnt that it was two years too long to waste in a relationship that obviously wasn't going anyware. It wasn't just about the intimacy...I was quiet prepared to live in a sexless marrage...it was about the whole disregard for MY needs.

[nailit]

I obviously cant speak for snafus situation, a bit more info would be useful...if its not to taboo..