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i think i may have a self destructive personality

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Sall | 02:03 Mon 23rd May 2005 | Body & Soul
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hi there, lately i have been taking stock of things in my life and i think i may have a problem that started as long back as i can remember.  i was a very naughty child in school and i never really tried hard and none of the teachers had a good word to say about me.  now i am 29 and i have never been able to hold a job down for more than a year.  this is really worrying me as i have a partner who is really professional when it comes to his job and a 2 year old daughter and i have recently lost another job and i am really feeling down about the whole situation. i will get a job and the first few weeks will be great and i will be really into it and then something just happens inside of me and i lose interest and start taking days off and generally showing lack of interest, this gets worse until i get very moody towards my boss. taking the days off just make me feel worse but i do it anyway until they are so sick and tried of me that i get sacked or made redundant or i look for another job before they fire me.  i am sick of feeling like this and i need to sort it out.  i want to do well and earn a good wage but i never give it a chance, i start feeling trapped almost when i have a job.  it's not that i want to stay at home all the time because i am sick of that now as well.  i am now looking for another job and i just don't want to repeat the pattern, i am scared that i won't be able to get a job at all because of my bad track record.  what should i do?  thanks sallyanne

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Hi Andy,

Thanks for that, I did go to my GP around a year ago and he seemed to put it down to depression and gave me anti-depressants which I took for around 6 months but they made me feel nothing at all and they took all my other happiness away somehow???  I also got on a huge waiting list for counselling and I saw her once and couldn't get another session.  I got another job and the same thing happened and I was made redundant after 10 months and here I am.  I am not depressed, I am a happy person generally I just have to sort this out once and for all.  I am wondering if there is an advice line I could ring where I could talk to someone on a more regular basis?  I will look into it.  Thanks Sallyanne

Hello Sall,

I agree with andy hughes, it sounds as though you need some assistance from someone professional or at least distanced from you.

Why not visit your GP again. Ask why s/he felt that anti depressants were the answer and mention that you think this pattern has existed since childhood. It may well be that anti-depressants will be of use but often they are not a cure on their own. The pill address your symptoms but you might need counselling to get to the root cause and try to establish constructive patterns. You can ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor for regular counselling on the NHS referral scheme.

Not knowing more about you and where you are it is difficult to guide you to any groups etc in your area that might be of help to you. My suggestion would be to consider calling the Samaritans. Don't worry - they aren't just there for people considering suicide. They are there to talk through problems with you. Even if you just want to offload and have a good moan about your situation - that would be fine too. But most importantly the branches tend to be very well informed about support sources in their area and could provide you with useful information.

It's easy to get trapped in a cycle of hopelessness and you may find that doing something positive - such as seeking help could be the first step to breaking that cycle...

Best of luck.

Hi Sallyanne,

It sounds as if you're very intelligent and so you get bored with the jobs as soon as you've learnt how to do them. I think you may need more of a challenge - have you thought about what you'd really like to do as you may be able to retrain in another discipline. The other possibility is to consider temping as there seems a lot of temp work available at the moment and if you only do a few weeks/months at a time you shouldn't get so fed up with them.

Good luck!

Question Author

thanks lillibet,

i will give them a bell and talk to them.  as for my background, it is very complicated and we moved to different countries alot when i was younger so i think that may have something to do with it.  also we had many deaths in the family including my dad when i was 17 and 2 step dads so my mom was very unstable and so was our day to day situation.  nothing was ever secure and i think that could be a problem for me now.  i thought i got over it all but maybe not.  one thing is for sure, i will not be putting my daughter through what i went through. i try to make sure her home life is secure and as normal as possible.  thanks for your advice.

sallyanne

I've felt like that for the last few years, although have stayed put in jobs that make me miserable.  What i think you need more than anything is to do a job you absolutely love.  Obviously you are slightly limited depending on how much you need to earn - but you've got to do something that grabs your attention and that you care about.  If you're an animal lover why not try a rescue shelter or do a course to work with children or for a charity you're passionate about.  If you don't need the money, what about volunteering? You could try a few things as a volunteer till you find something you love, that way you wouldn't be letting anyone down and feeling bad about yourself.  good luck x
Question Author

Hi Delilahcat,

I do tend to learn a job really fast and I do get borred.  I am looking into going to Uni to study to be a social worker as this is something I consider a very rewarding and worthwhile job unlike all my jobs in Admin/Customer service.  As explained above, I had a difficult childhood and I really feel I could be helpful and good at it.  I would like to work with families and children because I have had experiences in my upbringing that could help others.  I am a very creative person also and people do tell me that I am intelligent but I wish I could just find a career where I fit in totally.  I do need to address issues with a professional and this is something I am going to persue and then make a decision about what I want to do with my life and stick to it.  I just want things to calm down inside me I am sick of feeling like this, it is not who I want to be. 

Thanks so much

Sallyanne

Hi sallyanne...Lots of good advice above. I would like to add what I have read many times, and have found from experience works. and that is....anything that you absolutely LOVE to do, even for no financial reward, turn into your vocation in life. The excitement of doing such a job should never wane.
Sounds to me as though  you are already on the right track in your answer to delilahcat.
Your desire to help children, AND your creativety, which would provide such satisfaction in a job.
I wish you well.

all i can say is that if the antidepressants didnt work then go back and tell the doctor that as there are several kinds and apparently u need to be matched up to the one kind that will work for u, and another thing i can think of is u never really mention a lot about the jobs u used to do, maybe they are just not what u enjoy.

I know it is hard to say to people to get a job that u really enjoy and love with a passion the subject matter u are working in, when some people just cant get a job full stop but u should seriously consider trying to list all the things u really love in life, what makes u really happy and what u find u are doing in your spare time a lot that is fun and then try to list possible jobs to do with that!

Good luck

are you sure you don't have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)? My cousin was diagnosed at 27 with it; same patterns as you describe.  Really wild as a child (even me at the age of 6 noticed he was bad). He still cannot hold down a job, does crazy things occasionally just off the cuff.  He has got a bit better but everyone when he was younger just thought he was a mad bad kid and it wasn't his fault at all.  It's just a thought.  
Question Author

Hi There Spammylou,

What you have said in your answer to me has started ringing a few bells in my head.  When I was around 6 or 7 things got so bad for me in school that my parents were called in to discuss my behaviour on a regular basis.  The school told my parents that they thought I was hyper active and they thought I should see a Child physcologist.  This was the eighties and there was not alot known about these kind of conditions in children but the school picked up on it.  My parents agreed with them but when they told my grandmother she went mad and went to see the head.  My parents didn't take me to see anyone and nothing more was said about it.  My grandmother kept saying that it was a load of rubbish and there was nothing wrong with me but looking back I now know there was.  So I am thinking that you have hit the nail on the head. I have never thought about it in that way before. I have always said that I may have been hyper active as a child and I remember not being able to concentrate on anything for long periods of time and the hell of having to sit still in my chair and I disrupted the whole class on a regular basis.  I thought it was just a childhood thing, I had no idea that you can have it as an adult.  Thanks so much for that, I am going to look into it and get speak to my GP about it.  If I could sort this out I know I would do so well in jobs and be happy.

Thanks

Sallyanne

You are welcome my love. The reason why my cousin got diagnosed was because he was working in a petrol station in Australia. The station got held up by masked gun wielding raiders, who demanded the money which my cousin duly handed over.  The petrol company decided to send him for counselling as a precaution but he was not upset about the fact that he had a gun at him just annoyed that he had to hand over the money. His pyschologist asked him to complete a questionnaire and basically "passed" it with flying colours; ADD at the age of 27.  You can find these sorts of questionaires on the internet which are a good indicator I suppose until you can get proper help.  He still sits up till 4 am with the lights blazing even now. I love him!  

I have been reading all the responses and found a website with more information on Adult ADD

http://www.mental-health-today.com/tests/

Hope that this helps...

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