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Can't accept end of relationship
84 Answers
I posted on here a few months ago about the stress and anxiety of my seeing a married man who I stood by despite being let down by him several times.
I told him today that because I'm not a real girlfriend, and because he treats me only as just a friend, I'm happy to be just that - friends, with none of the thwarted expectations that a romantic element has given me (i.e. no getting together, no gifts, no time - just lots of phone calls mainly about him and his woes).
He refuses to accept a friends status and would rather cut all contact, as he said he couldn't bear to hear I'd met another man.
I have tried so many times to end this that this must look to him as just another red herring, but I finally realise I will never, ever, get what I want from him.
I want to end things nicely but he ignores my calls and texts. Is it possible to simply walk away with everything unresolved? I am desperate for him to admit part-responsibility for this mess, but he is wanting to leave it with him as the messed-about victim.
Advice please?
I told him today that because I'm not a real girlfriend, and because he treats me only as just a friend, I'm happy to be just that - friends, with none of the thwarted expectations that a romantic element has given me (i.e. no getting together, no gifts, no time - just lots of phone calls mainly about him and his woes).
He refuses to accept a friends status and would rather cut all contact, as he said he couldn't bear to hear I'd met another man.
I have tried so many times to end this that this must look to him as just another red herring, but I finally realise I will never, ever, get what I want from him.
I want to end things nicely but he ignores my calls and texts. Is it possible to simply walk away with everything unresolved? I am desperate for him to admit part-responsibility for this mess, but he is wanting to leave it with him as the messed-about victim.
Advice please?
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Thank you Andy. You're right, the roles have been reversed in many ways and while I am always strong enough never to text him first, my responses to HIS are definitely Pavlovian. I have a hugely busy Christmas ahead which is good and of course once we get into the new year it really will feel like a clean slate. If he texts again I have a "Your number has been blocked by the user" reply, which conveys the message if nothing else!
here's the story in brief
Orpheus fell in love with a nymph named Eurydice and blissful was their life together until one day she was pursued by a son of Apollo, the minor deity Aristaeus. In her headlong eagerness to escape, she stepped on a poisonous snake, was bitten and died. Disconsolate, Orpheus found a cave which lead to Hades and followed Eurydice to the Underworld. Here his musical charms were so persuasive that the King of the Dead permitted the minstrel to take his sweetheart home with him - on one condition.
This condition was so simple that it takes some explaining to account for Orpheus's failure to heed it. Perhaps he could not bear to keep his eyes off their beloved object for a moment longer. Perhaps he wanted to share his rapture at birdsong and sunshine as they approached the mouth of the cave. Or maybe he wanted Eurydice to hear the latest lick that he had worked out on his lyre. In any case, he did the one thing he had been forbidden. He turned around and looked at Eurydice, and she was lost to him forever.
Not sure this relevant to your situation though! You must not look back maybe?
Orpheus fell in love with a nymph named Eurydice and blissful was their life together until one day she was pursued by a son of Apollo, the minor deity Aristaeus. In her headlong eagerness to escape, she stepped on a poisonous snake, was bitten and died. Disconsolate, Orpheus found a cave which lead to Hades and followed Eurydice to the Underworld. Here his musical charms were so persuasive that the King of the Dead permitted the minstrel to take his sweetheart home with him - on one condition.
This condition was so simple that it takes some explaining to account for Orpheus's failure to heed it. Perhaps he could not bear to keep his eyes off their beloved object for a moment longer. Perhaps he wanted to share his rapture at birdsong and sunshine as they approached the mouth of the cave. Or maybe he wanted Eurydice to hear the latest lick that he had worked out on his lyre. In any case, he did the one thing he had been forbidden. He turned around and looked at Eurydice, and she was lost to him forever.
Not sure this relevant to your situation though! You must not look back maybe?
Just to let you know I didn't text him all Cmas, and nor did I respond to HIS texts, his sad upset email, or a text from his manager who said he'd been in to see him really upset that I'd blocked his number (I haven't, I've just been ignoring him).
Really tough not to contact him but I reminded myself that it would only lead back to misery and anxiety.
Happy Christmas everyone and thanks again!
Really tough not to contact him but I reminded myself that it would only lead back to misery and anxiety.
Happy Christmas everyone and thanks again!
Stick with it sallyann - if he's involving his work in the end of his relationship then this is so manipulative, poor me... and whatever was the manager thinking of in getting involved? I wouldn't dream of it if any of my team were going through something like this!
Interesting now the boot is on the other foot, when it was you that wanted to be friends, and he didn't.... this doesn't show how much he loves you, it shows how dependent on your prop he's become, and you need to break the chain.
Sally - you say you need the phone for work, as do lots of us. However, what happens if you lose the phone, or drop it down the toilet? - you get another one with a new number. Change your phone number, change your email address, disappear as far as he's concerned. He may not give up easily but he's not nearly as strong-willed as you are - keep that wall a-building, with no peep-holes in it!
Interesting now the boot is on the other foot, when it was you that wanted to be friends, and he didn't.... this doesn't show how much he loves you, it shows how dependent on your prop he's become, and you need to break the chain.
Sally - you say you need the phone for work, as do lots of us. However, what happens if you lose the phone, or drop it down the toilet? - you get another one with a new number. Change your phone number, change your email address, disappear as far as he's concerned. He may not give up easily but he's not nearly as strong-willed as you are - keep that wall a-building, with no peep-holes in it!
Sallyann, what is wrong with this guy. He misses someone to prop HIM up. In other words is dependent on you, and you admitted once that you enjoyed this in a perverse way. This now is emotional blackmail which you are now resisting, so good on you. Please hold out. If you dont block his calls or change your number, you will not escape this harassment. If you enjoy seeing him squirm then ok, but if you really want a break you will have to do one or the other. Just hold on to the knowledge that you want a new life, and there are many people here offering support and advice if you want it. Happy New Year.
Thank you so much everyone. He rang me at work today (I can't screen my calls) and I explained once again that because he doesn't want to change his current situation, I am accepting that and moving on. I think he finally gets it. He said he couldn't believe how strong I am. You are all spot on - I was his prop to talk him through a stale marriage. I did think at one time I was doing a good service to help him and be there for him, I got a kick out of being needed. But then it became justa drain. The block on the mobile stays and I told him so.
Just an update for you all as you have been so incredibly supportive.
He has been emailing me (we work for the same company, but he is north and I am south) and said he has changed, and that 2012 is going to be the year he shows me how much he loves me. He is sending me a lovely card, he said, and will arrange a weekend away next month, plus he is looking for presents for me.
This, in a way, is worse for me. He is talking the talk yet I know from the past 3 years he often does this when he is extra-pissed off at his wife and feels like a doormat. He says it to stick two fingers up at her, and at the time, he fully believes it and is absolutely certain that this will happen.
And then nothing happens. He's looked at presents, is still deciding which is the right one, then doesn't have time to get it, or has run out of money until payday. The weekend away - he's working on it, has to wait to see when he needs to work, who can have the kids etc.
I am still certain I don't want this relationship anymore, but the way he has cleverly manipulated his way back in with these promises - which MAY still happen - makes it so much harder for me to be firm. "But I'm making all this effort," he will say in fury, "Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you!"
Some advice please on how to deal with this. It is making me ill.
He has been emailing me (we work for the same company, but he is north and I am south) and said he has changed, and that 2012 is going to be the year he shows me how much he loves me. He is sending me a lovely card, he said, and will arrange a weekend away next month, plus he is looking for presents for me.
This, in a way, is worse for me. He is talking the talk yet I know from the past 3 years he often does this when he is extra-pissed off at his wife and feels like a doormat. He says it to stick two fingers up at her, and at the time, he fully believes it and is absolutely certain that this will happen.
And then nothing happens. He's looked at presents, is still deciding which is the right one, then doesn't have time to get it, or has run out of money until payday. The weekend away - he's working on it, has to wait to see when he needs to work, who can have the kids etc.
I am still certain I don't want this relationship anymore, but the way he has cleverly manipulated his way back in with these promises - which MAY still happen - makes it so much harder for me to be firm. "But I'm making all this effort," he will say in fury, "Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you!"
Some advice please on how to deal with this. It is making me ill.
Sally Ann - when I read your first post I was thinking nooooo please don't fall for this. Then I read next and was really pleased that you know yourself it is all for show, and all to have you dangling on a string again. Only you know how good it feels to be free of this person, so what happens is your choice. So pleased that with or without our comments you know the answer. Good on you. Happy 2012. :o)
Hio sallyann - I am so glad that you have managed to break the vicious circile of this doomed situation - i hesitate to call it a relationship, since that implies input from two adults with the end result being happiness for both.
This man's entire power over you is his ability to manipulate your feelings, and to do that, he must communicate with you.
Cut off all contact - resist the temptation to read his texts and mails, and hang up if he rings. O no account engag him in any kind of dailogue, this will open that closed door a tiny crack, and his foot will be in it and his shoulder against it, and off you go again, undoing all the good (and hard!) work you have done to get rid of him.
Keep on going through this hardest part - you can clearly see an end to this pointless situation, he will just move on to someone else, but that needn't concern you - you have your own life to lead.
This man's entire power over you is his ability to manipulate your feelings, and to do that, he must communicate with you.
Cut off all contact - resist the temptation to read his texts and mails, and hang up if he rings. O no account engag him in any kind of dailogue, this will open that closed door a tiny crack, and his foot will be in it and his shoulder against it, and off you go again, undoing all the good (and hard!) work you have done to get rid of him.
Keep on going through this hardest part - you can clearly see an end to this pointless situation, he will just move on to someone else, but that needn't concern you - you have your own life to lead.
Someone said - I think about giving up smoking - that you have to try again and again and again until it sticks, until it works. Like my entanglement here, I seem to have to have lots and lots of endings until that door truly does stay shut.
Dear Reader, I got the present from him - a really nice necklace - but that made it worse, as he felt this gift, his first for over two years, was all-encompassing. His 'get out of jail free' card, to which he could refer to for years ahead as his Big Big Effort. (Never mind that I've given him thousands of pounds over the years - when you've been starved for years, any morsel is a miracle).
The weekend away at his brother's farm in Wales for Valentine's? No mention of it. So I gently brought it up, and suddenly I was pressuring him, pushing him, stressing him out. I took that as a no, then - a drunken idea that sounded good at the time. Like so many of his fantasies.
Then his wife upped the ante and gave him daily hassle about wanting him to leave, to sell the house and move on. He spoke every day of his distress, while I tried to shake his shoulders from afar to make him see that she's been threatening this for 5 years because it presses all his buttons. I was and still am astounded that he takes it so literally every single time.
So I called his bluff. Told him that is life is unbearable there, and his wife wants him out, and he's rowing with his son frequently, I'll give him the money to pay her off and buy her out. Or buy us a house ourselves.
His response? No - can't risk your money. And sorry - but life is so bleak at the moment I can't begin to think of our own future plans. And - my wife's just frustrated because she's been off work sick for 6 weeks.
He walked into my albeit amateur trap and thus confirmed once and for all that he doesn't want me, he wants her, yet needs me as the friend, ego boost and emotional support that she clearly isn't.
Another ending, folks, and this time I told him I won't change my mind again.
Dear Reader, I got the present from him - a really nice necklace - but that made it worse, as he felt this gift, his first for over two years, was all-encompassing. His 'get out of jail free' card, to which he could refer to for years ahead as his Big Big Effort. (Never mind that I've given him thousands of pounds over the years - when you've been starved for years, any morsel is a miracle).
The weekend away at his brother's farm in Wales for Valentine's? No mention of it. So I gently brought it up, and suddenly I was pressuring him, pushing him, stressing him out. I took that as a no, then - a drunken idea that sounded good at the time. Like so many of his fantasies.
Then his wife upped the ante and gave him daily hassle about wanting him to leave, to sell the house and move on. He spoke every day of his distress, while I tried to shake his shoulders from afar to make him see that she's been threatening this for 5 years because it presses all his buttons. I was and still am astounded that he takes it so literally every single time.
So I called his bluff. Told him that is life is unbearable there, and his wife wants him out, and he's rowing with his son frequently, I'll give him the money to pay her off and buy her out. Or buy us a house ourselves.
His response? No - can't risk your money. And sorry - but life is so bleak at the moment I can't begin to think of our own future plans. And - my wife's just frustrated because she's been off work sick for 6 weeks.
He walked into my albeit amateur trap and thus confirmed once and for all that he doesn't want me, he wants her, yet needs me as the friend, ego boost and emotional support that she clearly isn't.
Another ending, folks, and this time I told him I won't change my mind again.
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