Dumper Or Dumpee?

[anaxcrosswords]

It was the sort of discussion that can happen when we have a 3 hour wait between soundcheck and performance. Conversation wove its way into relationships and I made a comment that got an unexpectedly disapproving reaction.
All I said was that if a relationship looked like it was close to the end I would try to manoeuvre things so that my partner would be the one to call it a day. Sharp intakes of breath – and equally sharp looks – all round.
It surprised me. I explained that it was just a mechanism that freed me to move on as slowly or quickly as I wanted without feeling guilt; also that I regard grief as an expectation but not a rule. I got the impression I was digging a deeper hole!
Is it really such a bad thing to do?

[scorpiojo]

Do you not feel any guilt if you "manoeuvre things" rather than being honest?

[anaxcrosswords]

If I'm 100% sure the relationship is going to end, no.

[woofgang]

What a wonderful way to go into a relationship....expecting to"manoevre" to end it.

[Sqad]

\\\\\ if a relationship looked like it was close to the end I would try to manoeuvre things so that my partner would be the one to call it a day. \\\\

Sensible move.........your partner comes out of it as the "rotter" and you come out of it as the victim, attracting all the sympathy.

WARNING...AB doesn't like the male coming out of relationships as the "good guy"...............

[Sqad]

See ^^^^^...told you.

[woofgang]

Sqad, I have no idea of the Op's gender or sexual orientation.

[anaxcrosswords]

I think 'manoeuvre' might be too strong a word - sounds like I'd be trying to create a situation that didn't exist.
What I mean is I would not try to correct anything that might be wrong; rather, just wait until my partner felt it was time to go.

[Prudie]

To me that is being honest - it's what women of experience would expect a man to do. In some ways it's more caring - nobody likes to be dumped.

[Sqad]

woofgang........yes.....I agree....it may be difficult in these modern times.

[ummmm]

I find that when you know a relationship is close to the end that your behaviour will change naturally so splitting up is more a mutual decision.

[Old_Geezer]

I think that suggests you lack the courage to make the decision for yourself and follow it through. It also suggests you deliberately make things unpleasant for your parner in order to get them to go. Neither of which are things to be proud of. But if you lack the strength of will to do what needs to be done, then whatever gets you through I guess.

[anaxcrosswords]

With every respect, OG, there’s a little misunderstanding about what I’m asking. It isn’t about ducking out of ending a relationship but about the benefit (as I see it) of being on the receiving end when that happens.
There’s no way I’d make things unpleasant and force my partner to make that decision; nor is it about courage, although, funnily enough, I suppose courage is part of it. There’s only been one occasion when I had no choice but to finish a relationship – a few months later she appeared on my doorstep, and it just didn’t feel at all good to have to turn her away. If courage is what’s needed to do something like that then, yes, it’s probably not my strongest suit.
It’s also not about good guy/bad guy and sympathy as suggested above. The whole point of this question is my motivation for wanting to be the dumpee – namely that I’m free to move on immediately without feeling any guilt and without having any obligation to grieve.

[Old_Geezer]

But it is the same thing isn't it ? You decide that the relationship has to end, so you "manouver" the other person so they choose to end it. How else is this achieved save for making the relationship unbearable for the other, in order to be the dumped one ?

[ummmm]

I suppose it depends how long you've been together.

[joeluke]

You could always just put this great song on your CD player

RIP Gary Moore

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HU-TW8NVIm0

[happyone2]

Actually it was quite refreshing to read this post, because it confirmed what i have thought - that some people do this and dont see that it is wrong !! My ex-partner "manoeuvred" me to end our relationship, denied it when i told him he was doing it and then used him being dumped to justify bad mouthing me to everyone !!! And like this person really couldnt see that it is a nicer thing to do to be honest ...........oh well Pxx

[China Doll]

Not a bad thing but definitely pathetic and spineless.

[grasscarp]

This is all kind of academic. I made a decision after 7 years it was over. He sent a letter that I tore up and threw from a car window. No rules. Just do it if it's over for you.

[pixie373]

It's quite manipulative. I don't see why you'd feel less guilty for it. Better to be honest.

[Canary42]

You weren't manouevring at all - she decided you were too deceitful so manouvered you into creating an opportunity for her to dump you.