Would You Be Speaking To My Friend In My...
Family & Relationships1 min ago
I Have Turned Into Gness ...
39 Answers
... or I have upset someone and they have set the leprechauns on me.
It was going to be a quiet break in Lisbon - visiting the (all grown-up) daughter of some old friends, doing a bit of sight-seeing and possibly having the odd drink or three.
It was a catalogue of mishaps of (almost) gnessian proportions :
1. My (usually reliable) pub near Luton Air Parks turned out a Sunday Lunch of staggering incompetence ... you could have soled my shoes with the beef & the gravy was a substance previously unknown outside secure biochemical facilities. The astonishingly bumpy bus ride to the airport (roadworks ahoy) was then a bit of a trial.
2. I pinged the airport security barrier - never done that before - boy was the search thorough (he surely now knows 'which side I dress') and I thought deploying the special 'sock sniffer' device was a tad rude.
3. My 'liquids bag' also excited unusual interest - God knows what they thought was in the toothpaste tube - but they had a full chemical test kit and they were jolly well going to use it.
4. Once safely ensconced on my sleazyjet flight, I would have bet against anyone having the stamina to rhythmically kick the back of my seat for 3 hours - I'd have been wrong.
5. A manic cab ride (buttocks were clenched very hard at several points) deposited me at my friend's apartment block ... my gammy knee would have liked a lift - instead it found steps. Steep steps. 71 of them. I counted.
Day 2 dawned ... with every construction worker in Lisbon going at it full blast immediately outside my window ... from quite early .. make that 'very early'.
6. A gentle stroll into town followed - or at least that was the idea. Lisbon is astonishingly hilly, everywhere is always uphill from where you are. I was knackered by lunchtime & so bought a tram/bus pass.
7. The first pickpocket attempt was within (about) ten seconds of me boarding my first tram ... I think I may have hurt his fingers.
8. Pleasant day, nice meal ... but then ... overnight mosquitos. Blood thirsty ***. Bitten everywhere. I'm just glad I kept my pants on.
Days 3 + 4
Were surprisingly uneventful - apart from twice getting soaked in 'unseasonal' thunderstorms - and another couple of routine "Oh no you don't, matey" moments on a crowded Tram 28.
Day 5.
Time to go home - I'd sussed out the metro/trams by now & was all set for a quick/cheap run to the airport. But the metro was shut ... all of it ... and there were no cabs (because the metro was shut).
I got the Aerobus ... as did about a hundred other desperate travellers ... it was possibly the hottest/worst 45 minutes of my recent life.
At the airport, through security, through passports, through to the very gate - about to board at my plane ...
... which had just 'gone technical'. You know the 45 minutes on the bus were a bit hot? This was the same. But with the worry that I was about to get on a broken sleazyjet ...
But the flight was (eventually) uneventful.
As was Luton ... until I discovered that they'd closed the M1 junction I was about to use. I hope no-one recorded the ensuing minute or two or 'dave rant' that I had in the privacy of my car - it was very forthright.
But I'm safely home, and when the neighbours asked me I just said :
"I had a lovely time"
Dxx
It was going to be a quiet break in Lisbon - visiting the (all grown-up) daughter of some old friends, doing a bit of sight-seeing and possibly having the odd drink or three.
It was a catalogue of mishaps of (almost) gnessian proportions :
1. My (usually reliable) pub near Luton Air Parks turned out a Sunday Lunch of staggering incompetence ... you could have soled my shoes with the beef & the gravy was a substance previously unknown outside secure biochemical facilities. The astonishingly bumpy bus ride to the airport (roadworks ahoy) was then a bit of a trial.
2. I pinged the airport security barrier - never done that before - boy was the search thorough (he surely now knows 'which side I dress') and I thought deploying the special 'sock sniffer' device was a tad rude.
3. My 'liquids bag' also excited unusual interest - God knows what they thought was in the toothpaste tube - but they had a full chemical test kit and they were jolly well going to use it.
4. Once safely ensconced on my sleazyjet flight, I would have bet against anyone having the stamina to rhythmically kick the back of my seat for 3 hours - I'd have been wrong.
5. A manic cab ride (buttocks were clenched very hard at several points) deposited me at my friend's apartment block ... my gammy knee would have liked a lift - instead it found steps. Steep steps. 71 of them. I counted.
Day 2 dawned ... with every construction worker in Lisbon going at it full blast immediately outside my window ... from quite early .. make that 'very early'.
6. A gentle stroll into town followed - or at least that was the idea. Lisbon is astonishingly hilly, everywhere is always uphill from where you are. I was knackered by lunchtime & so bought a tram/bus pass.
7. The first pickpocket attempt was within (about) ten seconds of me boarding my first tram ... I think I may have hurt his fingers.
8. Pleasant day, nice meal ... but then ... overnight mosquitos. Blood thirsty ***. Bitten everywhere. I'm just glad I kept my pants on.
Days 3 + 4
Were surprisingly uneventful - apart from twice getting soaked in 'unseasonal' thunderstorms - and another couple of routine "Oh no you don't, matey" moments on a crowded Tram 28.
Day 5.
Time to go home - I'd sussed out the metro/trams by now & was all set for a quick/cheap run to the airport. But the metro was shut ... all of it ... and there were no cabs (because the metro was shut).
I got the Aerobus ... as did about a hundred other desperate travellers ... it was possibly the hottest/worst 45 minutes of my recent life.
At the airport, through security, through passports, through to the very gate - about to board at my plane ...
... which had just 'gone technical'. You know the 45 minutes on the bus were a bit hot? This was the same. But with the worry that I was about to get on a broken sleazyjet ...
But the flight was (eventually) uneventful.
As was Luton ... until I discovered that they'd closed the M1 junction I was about to use. I hope no-one recorded the ensuing minute or two or 'dave rant' that I had in the privacy of my car - it was very forthright.
But I'm safely home, and when the neighbours asked me I just said :
"I had a lovely time"
Dxx
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Oooo I'd forgotten that one, Tony..... I was on a beach once doing the counting for the highest wave with my little one when a mini tsunami hit.... I started to run and shout to warn everyone....tanned medallion man on his lounger laughed at me and lay back down.....
It was a hoot when he went under.......☺
It was a hoot when he went under.......☺
