Estranged Family

[sherrardk]

Not a question but an observation. Me and himself are estranged from various family members for a number of reasons. Himself has found out today, via a third party, that his estranged father has advanced dementia so even if he did want to reconnect with him his dad wouldn't know who he was. If you are estranged from anyone maybe you should have a bit of a think about it (today's news hasn't made me want to reconnect with my biological dad, but it did make me think).

[Daffy6543]

Some things are impossible to forgive Khandro. I'm not talking minor things either, the things my family have done to me over the years make me wonder how and why I am still here. Sheer bloody mindedness and not being very good at suicide attempts (there have been several) is probably the only answer in my case.

[woofgang]

khandro, when the person concerned behaves the same way again and again without thought or care for others, its not a question of forgiveness. I don't feel any animosity or anger towards the person concerned, just don't want them in my life.

[jennyjoan]

Your husband has to do what he thinks right. If he hasn't seen him for so long perhaps it would be as well to leave well alone cos there is nothing that your husband can do. If he goes to see him - Dad won't know him and if he doesn't go Dad still won't know.

[anneasquith]

well, I think himself should go see his father.

[sherrardk]

Anne, I have 'nagged' him in the past because I think he will regret it (because it was over possessions after the death if his mum, not any long term stuff) but he won't, just think it's a crappy way to find out. It's also sad as his dad used to be so very interesting and charming.

[anneasquith]

the news is via a third party, maybe his father would actually recognize his son.

[sherrardk]

Anne, the news is from a weblink - himself's best friend stumbled across it. The link is from someone looking for info on FIL to complete his memoirs. Both have always been too stubborn for their own good. I'm not going to push it, himself has got enough on his plate at the moment (big hospital appointment next week). He's a grown up and I have done my bit, just think lots of people might be in a position to change things (I don't want to, got a solicitors letter last week and actually hoped it would say my 'real' dad was dead). Each to their own.

[anneasquith]

I know there is nothing you can do sher, it's a bit sad though.

[ummmm]

I won't have anything to do with my sister but the kids do. We've had one fall out in our entire lives and we haven't spoken since (except being polite in front of other family members) I didn't realise what pressure she put on me until we fell out. Family or not....some people just shouldn't be in your life.

[Khandro]

woofgang; I understand exactly what you are saying, but if you take the long view, people can change over time. I have one family member who is 'impossible' but I keep a relationship going by meeting briefly and infrequently, sending the odd card and email etc. Anything is better than complete negation, I live in the hope that in time things will change, nothing is forever, in my view.

[scooping]

You want to try being adopted and finding that your birth mother doesn't want to know you, the man you were told was your father was not and that you were the product of an affair...What fun.

[woofgang]

sorry Khandro but I disagree. Some people change, others just don't.

[2sp_]

I believe that if you can't tolerate certain behaviour from anyone, family or friend, you shouldn't have to.

You should cut people out of your life if they are damaging or draining. You shouldn't put up with someone just because you share DNA with them.

[Retrochic]

2sp I totally agree and wish now I'd never got back in touch with my mother.

[2sp_]

I've been estranged from my brother for over 2 years now. When we first fell out I was devastated, cried for about a month.

But I felt then and now that there is no going back. He accused me of some awful things, all of which are untrue and totally baseless. I have spent most of my life looking out for him, digging him out of the mire, lending him money (which was never repaid), I even let him live in my house rent-free (more that he just didn't pay any) when I lived away. All of it was thrown back at me.

I will never speak to him again, and I know that some people find that attitude very sad, but I can't have him poisoning my life any more.

[maggiebee]

I have not spoken to either of my two brothers since my dad's funeral in 2001. They had not spoken to my dad in the 10 years before he died despite all living in the same town and one had the nerve to ask me where my dad was living before he died. I pray to God I never meet them again.

[2sp_]

I think there is a stigma attached to being estranged from a family member, as if you have somehow failed at family life by removing them from your life.

I am so much happier now, I hadn't realised just how destructive his presence was. My Mother is also estranged from him, and some of the health problems she was suffering have cleared up. Less stress = happier, healthier life.

I don't wish my brother any harm, but I can't say I wish him well either. All I feel is apathy.

[sherrardk]

Himself is seriously considering going to see his dad but doesn't know if he is living at home or in care.