For Those With Aged Parents

[emmie]

did you have to make the decision to put them in a home?

[Flonska]

Not yet, but it is one choice that we may well have to consider under certain circumstances and if other options are no longer viable.

[Islay]

Emmie, i feel for you, luckily my father has remarried a younger women so it will be her decision and her guilt.
My MIL I will have no guilt over should it need to happen.

At the end of the day if she is unable to look after herself and you are not in a position to look after her then you should not feel any guilt at all sweetie.

[emmie]

Islay
thank you, she is now in a home but the guilt is a terrible thing..

[Togo]

We all have to make similar decisions as will our children. :))

[Islay]

Emmie, I can only imagine, she will be looked after and you can rest safe in the knowledge that she is in the right place.
Its easy for me to say but try not to feel guilty. xx

[emmie]

she couldn't cope on her own any longer so the family made a collective decision to put her somewhere safe.
i have my doubts about the place, but at least she is finally eating and drinking...

[Mamyalynne]

I've never had to make the decision, my father died way too young and my mother's death came swiftly.

I have watched friends go through this and guilt is part of what you have to accept whilst knowing you have done the only thing you could.

I realise you feel worse because you are at a distance, that too is hard.

[emmie]

i have been away at my brothers so got to see mum and the home. I have some misgivings about the place, but if she settles i hope she will be happy there. The guilt isn't going to go away any day soon i suspect. she now has lung cancer so that is another deep worry.

[mazie]

We found the perfect home for my Mum when it wasn't safe for her to be alone. Being the eldest all the decisions fell to me...I felt guilty every single day emmie. The home was amazing, the staff loved her and she was safe but...Still couldn't get over the guilt and very one I met in the home felt the same about their parents. I know it's not helping but I think it's just the way we are . xx

[ummmm]

Not my parents. But both grand parents. My grandad refused to go into a home. Social services convinced him to try it for a week or two. He loved it.

[emmie]

ummm
that's what we are hoping, that she will settle into the routines of the home, family will visit often i suspect, as she is not too far from everyone.

[EcclesCake]

It was a long time ago but I had to find a home for my father. The first one was grim, I simply didn't know what to look for in choosing. The second, which was his final home was far, far better, lovely in fact.

I feel guilt with regards to the first home and relief that I found somewhere so much better.

[gness]

Yes, Emmie....but I've never felt guilty because we didn't think of it as somewhere we were "putting" her.....

We looked at it as somewhere mum would be looked after much better than we were able to.....the very best we could do for her at this stage in her life......
If we hadn't done that for her then I would have felt guilty....Gx

[-SharonA-]

Home or hospice, the decision is awful if your parent is aware. Twelve years ago my Mum had cancer and Dad cope not cope, brother and I were working full time and after numerous emergency callouts from my Dad, it was decided to put Mum into a hospice. The morning came and my Mum refused to budge. After lying to her, saying she was coming home that night, doctor just wanted to check her etc, she went. But I do feel guilty as she died there 3 weeks later against her wishes.

[emmie]

sharon that is what i fear, that she won't last long, and will pass away in the place.

[ummmm]

Emmie - If it's a good home they are well looked after.

[-SharonA-]

Emmie, it is a difficult decision and the only one at the time. Time eases guilt and they do get good care. Go with your gut feeling after weighing up all options.

[emmie]

thanks for the advice - lets hope we made the right decision.

[atalanta]

If the parent in question is someone who always hated you and enjoyed nothing better than hurting you, you can't be expected to feel any qualms at all about putting him into a home when he becomes hopeless at looking after himself.