Really Upset Re Teen Smow : (

[Smowball]

Teen smow has gone to stay with his day for half the school holidays (dad lives 2 hrs away and he does this every year). Dad doesn't work and never has done. Claims every benefit going, has house paid for , has never paid a penny maintenance in 13 years and makes a tidy sum every week by going to auctions, buying God knows what and then doing loads of car boot sales etc. I do not like his father one bit but am always polite for my sons sake.

Ive just had a txt from my son, saying that after he's come home to get his exam results on 25th August he's almost certainly going to go back to live with his dad permanently . Not quite believing what I was reading I've replied saying Im very confused and don't understand, and that we need to talk on the phone as this isn't a txt kind of conversation. He's replied saying ok, that there is nothing wrong at home here but he just thinks it "would make more of a man of me" . ?? Those were his exact words.

Everything here is all set up for September - 6th form place ready to take A levels if he gets the right grades, and a college place lined up for a career in Plumbing as a back up plan.

I just can't stop crying - his dad is an absolute dead beat and I cannot understand why on earth he has decided to do this and basically throw everything away.

[albaqwerty]

I do feel for you Smow. When he comes to get his stuff, he's to pack it himself (as has been suggested) DO NOT let dad and grandad in the house under any circumstances.
I bet teen smow will be back well before xmas, just don't have a hissy fit in front of him or his waster of father. xx

[bednobs]

hi smow, i feel for you. Didn't the same thing happen last summer, nd then he returned very quickly?

[Smowball]

Yeh he did this a couple of years ago and was back within three months. But this point in his education is so crucial. I spoke to him earlier and said what exactly are you planning on doing education wise then?? And he said oh I can go to a local college one day a week and the rest I'll work. Work where? Oh I've looked at local agencies and there's loads of factory work. (!!)

[bednobs]

can you even do that? I thought by law you hd to be either at college or in an apprenticdship until 18?
I think all you can do it to leave the door open for him. Is the dad the dad of your others too?

[tonyav]

Doubt if anybody that employs teen Smow will allow him the time to go to college one day a week unless it's part of an apprenticeship.

[Smowball]

I'm checking as I'm not too sure either bednobs . No he is just the father to teen smow. I know its out of my control now but we've spend the past year applying to colleges/6th forms, checking them out, going for interviews, helping him revise, choosing courses he wanted in relevant career.,..... And for what !

[irishmaid]

Well your lad is thinking about college and going to work and what is wrong with that? you have to let them go and they will come back running believe you me they will. One of my sons did the same ,he did. Went to work as a labourer and went to college one day a week it broke my heart but now 10 years on he's making a lot of money as a project manager in London. There are more ways than one to skin a donkey lol!

[Smowball]

Hello Tony

[bednobs]

https://www.gov.uk/know-when-you-can-leave-school
ccording to this you hve to be at education for at lest 20 hrs a week

[tonyav]

Hiya Smow
Best of luck with this young lad of yours.

[Smowball]

I'm reading that differently bednobs unless I'm wrong - I think it says you can work or volunteer for 20 hrs a week and still be in part time education or training but doesn't specify what hours count as part time

[Smowball]

Ok so no change here - son still not changed his mind. Have spoken to education authorities and they both say it's not a great decision he is making as if he changes his mind in three months and decides to come home then it would be very difficult to catch up on his original subjects.hubby suggested calling his bluff and saying ok you can live with your dad but if you do this its permanent - no coming home in a couple of months when you've changed your mind so think long and hard - we've been here before remember. And it was a complete nightmare swapping everything to his dad's and then 12 weeks later swapping it all back again. I'm a bit wary to do this but am wondering if it will make them both take this a bit more seriously.

[anneasquith]

Always leave the " door open"" for him. No Ultimation. Imo

[Quoi]

//no coming home in a couple of months when you've changed your mind//
As tricky as this situation is, I really wouldn't do that. It will probably re-enforce the current decision and then when he realises it was a bad choice he made he will be reluctant to ask for your help to put it right.
I think I would stand back and let this happen - he has his whole life in front of him to put right any mistakes he makes.

[Smowball]

That's my feeling too

[ummmm]

I wouldn't call his bluff either.

What I would do, as he's old enough to make life changing decisions, is make him deal with everything himself. If things needs swapping then it's down to him to arrange.

[Smowball]

I'm just upset, angry, tired and frustrated . It's the way he's done it

[jennyjoan]

Well as my mother used to say to those who never had kids.

"If they never make you laugh - they never make you cry".

Must be a terrible feeling Smow particularly when you have done everything for him. But things will sort themselves out.

[Smowball]

I hope so Jenny : (

[Smowball]

Just an update for all the lovely people who commented and offered advice - hadn't heard from son for nine days till yesterday when he txt me to say he is coming to get GCSE results nxt Thursday and then going back same day with his dad. No change whatsoever, oh and he has applied at a college by his dad to an apprenticeship in welding!! Still v upset but didn't tell him that. Then today he txt me to say that when he collects his results he will come here and open them with me while hid dad goes for a coffee somewhere and he'll then show his dad later on. Which made me cry as it's so important to me. Just wish he'd com home as I miss him so much. But have decided to let him choose what to do and I'll always be here xx