Can't Please Family

[Smowball]

There isn't really an answer but just needed to offload. To cut a really long story short I moved away from my children 10 years ago but saw them regularly due to a very complicated situation. And rightly or wrongly they have never really forgiven me. They are all adults now and my daughter even has an 18 month old and another on the way. I visit as often as I can and have to stay in hotels as nobody has a spare room. I try my very very best and txt all the time, call them but the whole situation is breaking my heart. My youngest who is 22 is in and out of trouble and says it's all my fault. (Maybe?) he only contacts me when he wants money and never any other time. My 25 yr old son replies to nothing and makes an excuse not to see me every time I go up. Last time I managed to see him was Xmas and I tried to get to the bottom of it and he basically said I can't be q mother if I live 3 hrs away and I should sell my house and move back. My eldest is 27 and I see her every time but again she makes me feel dreadful every time I see her by saying I'm missing out, we can't have q proper relationship u less I live in same town. She constantly posts FB pics of her child and tags her partners mum in saying best nanny ever which kills me. I've even paid on their house but that seems to be OK to take that. None of them ever ver visit me or even ring me. The only time was when my youngest came at new year and I had to pay for all the train tickets . Ive tried saying that lots of families live with a distance but that's not normal apparently. I'm feeling used and think they are being unfair now as what else do they ant me to do?? Am I being completely wrong?

[Retrochic]

Smowball -if you left your other children 10 years ago , then had a baby to a different father , how come you have a 16 year old son living with you ? Confused......

[EcclesCake]

There's no need to pry Retro.

[whiskeryron]

Sorry to be blunt. They are all thoroughly spoilt & should be ashamed of themselves. I would have loved a mother like you ( my mother died when I was eleven years old, & my brother was seven) They do not deserve you Smowball. I know it it hard but LIVE YOUR LIFE & bloody well ignore the daft devils.

[ummmm]

That's sad, Ron :-(

[ladyalex]

I'm afraid that the title of your post says it all, Smowball.
You cannot please your family.
However, there is no reason to continue as you are.
You may or may not have made bad decisions when you left them all those years ago, you may or may not have made good decisions then. You cannot undo them.
You cannot make your children be the people you would like them to be.
The only person you can change is you.
You have to decide whether it makes you feel better or worse to continue to be 'used' by them, or if it would feel better or worse to cut off communication with them. Or get to somewhere in between those extremes.
Whatever you decide it has to be centred on you as, to reiterate, the only person you can change is you.

[Retrochic]

Eccles -I'm not 'prying' - the OP's history is there for all to see - and as she forgot to mention her teenage son to her new husban, many like me, presumed she left the children when they were in their teens - obviously no if you deduct at least 17 years from the ages of her children to her first husband, then they were quite small kiddies when she left them.....

[bhg481]

A perfect response from ladyalex.

[Hypognosis]

@Smowball

Can we dismiss, as inappropriate, the idea that they are also 'punishing' your current husband, for taking you away from them, by depriving him of his share of your joint income?

[Retrochic]

fIf the OP chooses to block them fro her life then she is just justifying to them that she's finally totally abandoned them. She should still keep on trying to keep in contact, but cut the purse strings

[Hypognosis]

@Smow

As for a temporary solution to the problem, how about a simplistic reward/punishment system (until they either change their behaviour or twig what you're up to).

1. You drive 3 hours to see them. Who ever turns up to meet you gets a wodge of cash. *It is then up to them to hold this over until car insurance is due etc.* Encourages them to be responsible and not make pressurised demands.
2. They visit you. Cover their travel costs. Optional wodge of cash *provided* they've not asked for anything (eg invented 'crisis' they want you to fix).

So the new deal is that money may be on offer whenever you meet each other but never handed over for a specific requirement. You should always be in a position to say "but what about all that money I keep giving you?"

If they are mismanaging their finances or spending it all on booze/cigs/other that is not your problem.

Except in as far as you **have not had the opportunity** of putting your lifestyle advice into them. That's why they are so like their father; he's been their main influence.

[Ellipsis]

Retro, your logic is flawed. I think the following is consistent with what Smowball has written ...

* Had three kids by one father 27, 25 and 22 years ago
* Split with the father, had no choice but to move out and live up the road as house was owned by the father's mother
* Got married and had another kid by a second father, 16 years ago
* Had to move away from first three kids ten years ago owing to husband's job

Hope that helps!

[Smowball]

Ellipsis is spot on. Eccles - pls get in touch - I've same email etc xx

[Smowball]

Anybody still here for an update??

[rockyracoon]

Hi Smow. Just finished reading this thread, don't really know what to say as I'm crap at that sort of thing but wanted to say hi.

[murraymints]

here smow !

[Smowball]

Hi guys : )