What do you do if you spent almost all your time doing things you don't want to do?
If you spend your life doing what you don't want to do most of the time, does this mean that you are a nice responsible person who wants everyone to be happy or are you just weak and wet?
Comments please
rosamundjohn Sun 13/04/08 18:28
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it could mean you are a prisoner, ding time for smething you didnt do. Or even if you did do it i doubt being in prisn is what you want to do
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Question Author
No-not in prison. I am good
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You need to be a bit more specific as I don't quite get the gist of your problem. Is it work or home related?
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Is it any less important to understand why we do something as it is to know what we are doing?
No one in their right mind wants to change a dirty nappie until they stop to think about why. You wouldn't get dirty nappies in the first place if you stopped feeding your baby but nobody in their right mind can tolerate the crys of a hungry baby for long. In addition you probably want your baby to grow up healthy and strong so much that changing a dirty nappie becomes just a triviality to fulfilling your desire. Perhaps something better considered before taking on such a responsibility but if not, hey, too late now!
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Question Author
It is a general question. Nothing to do with bringing up children
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I'm sure most of us hate going to work and are dis-illusioned with our pointless, tedious occupations. Slavery hasnt really been abolished in as much as we are forced to go there - the wages are just better these days.
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Going by the example of many of today's teenagers in their first job, you'd give up before the first week is out because you just can't take it.
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I think it really depends on ‘why’ you are doing it.
1. If it is because you need money to survive or feed/clothe family then this is not being a walk over, merely being sensible and practical about life. Sometimes people don’t have the choice to do something they want to do, so will do something they don’t really want to do but need to.
2. If generally you are doing something to please everybody there is a very real danger of becoming a weak and wet walkover. Particularly as people will pounce on this kind of weakness and push it more. Give them an inch they’ll take a yard.
Often these types of people will try to make you feel guilty about not doing something they ask which may generally be an unreasonable request, rather than feeling guilty themselves for asking for something unreasonable. In these situations you need some backbone so that the demands do not become more and more excessive and you end up continually manipulated by an unreasonable or demanding individual. That would make you a gimp.
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Question Author
Octavius No 2 .
I seem to have to do the right thing by everyone. I would really like to disappear and live on my own.
I know. Impossible Thank you
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Rosamund, the most important thing is you. If you are not there, then these things wouldn’t get done or would be done by somebody else. There is no shame, embarrassment or guilt about saying ‘no’ if something is just too much or you simply don't want to do it. It is a terrible place to be and seemingly impossible to get out.
But it is possible.
Sometimes you have to be selfish and look after number 1 (you) first. People might be a little put out at first, but in the long term they might come to accept they were being unreasonable. Either way, the problem remains theirs and doesn’t become yours by virtue of their slippery shoulders. That is not to say you should always be like this as some generosity is admirable – providing it is not overly detrimental to you.
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Question Author
Octavius. Thank you. Would love to do this.
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rosamundjohn: you need to break the cycle here, Octavius is right-as often :)
It isn't wrong or bad to want time to yourself, in fact you deserve it, and people who are heaping demands on you should value this. If they don't, they aren't your friends, and you don't need them anyway.
I know it is difficult, but start by perhaps making a list of all the things you do that you don't want to do any more, and maybe some alternatives that are centred around YOU.
You can't please everyone-it's almost a fact! So by trying to do this, you are placing yourself under so much pressure, and still not achieving your goal. I am not putting down what you do; I think it is an admirable quality to want to be the person who does thins for others. Rather, I am trying to show you that you need to give yourself a break.
No matter if it is personal or work related, you have to speak up and tell people you already do enough, and can't fit in any more, sorry. Have you thought about an assertiveness class? It would show you that it isn't rude or inconsiderate to say no, it just ensures that you don't take too much on.
So next time someone asks, "would you mind just...", take a deep breath, look them in the eye and say NO! You don't even need an excuse, you shouldn't have to justify your own feelings, and if they ask, just say you have a lot on at the moment, and can't add to this.
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