useful as a 'chocolate kettle'

I just read a phrase like this on another thread, these always tickle me, along with 'an astray on a motorbike'  what ones do you know ?
19:14 Mon 22nd Nov 2004
 
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"As usefull as a chocolate fireguard"

"Its like spitting into the wind"

About as much use as a whicker canoe.

 

About as much use as a handbrake on a canoe.

 

About as much use as t*ts on a snake.

I love these as well and I started collecting "about as much use as...." phrases. My favourite one is 'About as much use as a catflap on a submarine'.
As much use as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking party.
a solar powered torch, a fart in a jacuzzi, a sandbag in the desert, a vacuum cleaner on the moon are a few I like

"He has as much sense of urgency as a dead worm."

a chocolate teapot is the one i know, or an inflatable dartboard.

As much use as t*ts on a bull!

forward gears on an italian tank!

The one I've heard most often is

"as useful as a chocolate teapot"

 

A slightly different one (slightly going off on a tangent) is

"(as easy as) nailing jelly to the ceiling"

About as much use as a tart at a vicars teaparty.

About as much use as a used stick of dynamite.

About as much use as a condom with a hole.

as tricky as pushing butter up a bull's a**e with a hot needle.(kiwi origin)
"Its being so happy that keeps him going"  Speaking of somebody miserable.
Question Author
Wicked, well i had a good chuckle thanks, 3 stars all round !  *** and theres another 3 on top for a 'one legged man at an arse kicking party'- I love it !.

My all time favourite, which is not along the 'as much use' lines but I consider it a classic is:

 

You've got more chance of seeing Lord Lucan riding Shergar in the 3 o'clock race in Atlantis.

Here's a phrase I heard once which made me laugh (it's a way of telling someone to 'get lost')

Go take a flying **** at a rolling doughnut.

The sensored word begins with F, ends with K and rhymes with hook.

 

 

But fukk doesn't rhyme with hook.
"About as useful as an inflateable dartboard"

As much use as a chickenwire submarine.

As much use as a Durex machine in the Vatican.

Yes it does rhyme bernardo. In correct pronunciation of the english language the letter u is pronounced 'uh' or 'oo' not 'ah' as Londoners or some southerners pronounce it...the word hook rhymes with huck and that is also how it is pronounced...it is also only one letter away from the spelling of f**k...so fack off :o)

think of the words umbrella and nothing - different vowel, yet the same sound is used by southerners. Up north we would use two different sounds for two different letters

About as much use as a stripper in the Vatican.
About as much use as a plastic magnet.
About as much use as a shredded condom.
About as much use as Harold Camping.
About as fearsome as a tranquilized sloth.
About as truthful as Tinky-Winky's cocaine addiction.

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