Worried About My Son

[nailit]

My sons mum kicked him out a few weeks ago and since then hes basically been sofa surfing. He comes mine for a bath, change of clothes and something to eat and sometimes a bed for the night. He has no job and claims no benefits so everyone else is keeping him. We had a row this morning because he had no clean clothes to wear (theyr still in the washing basket) and I told him that hes got to start to take at least SOME responsibility for himself, I provide him with food and money when I have any spare. Hes in court on Tuesday so will HAVE to find some way to pay his fines.
I know that tough love may be required with him but I think that hes suffering from depression (not helped by the weed he smokes with his mates) and he didn't have an easy time living with his mum (not wanting to go into details here). He left mine this morning with me telling him not to come back until his attitude changes but I know that he WILL come back and I'll relent again. Hes my only child and I cant stand the thought of him walking the streets at night when he has a bed at mine. Maybe Im just letting of a bit of steam here but I don't know what to do for the best...

[woofgang]

Truthfully? He’s an adult. I don’t think there is much you can do. If he chooses not to get help with his problems so that he stands a chance of getting his life sorted out, then I don’t think there is anything that anyone can do.

[andy-hughes]

This is a very though situation, and I sympathise entirely with you.

Loving someone is not always allowing them to duck basic responsibilities, even though your parental instincts want to protect your son, clearly this is not what he actually needs, just what he takes advantage of.

I know of what I speak - our eldest daughter was made to leave our home at sixteen because she became utterly impossible to live with. You can offer support from a distance, just not a comfort zone which prevents your son from actually behaving like the adult he possibly is - you don't say how old he is in your OP.

Try and get him to see a doctor. Do not pay his court fines for him, let him learn the consequences of bad behaviour. Tell him you will feed shelter and look after him if he repays you in some way - basic household chores are a good way - washing up, etc. No jobs done? No dinner, or laundry done.

It is hard, very hard, but it has to be done because otherwise he will never learn that living in the adult world carries responsibilities and tasks and putting in to a situation, not just sitting there with a sad face and a hand out for your support.

Trust me, you will get through this, he will re-join the human race, and you can be close again. Our daughter is forty-two at the end of the month, is married with two children and has a wonderful life, and is a fantastic woman, wife, mother, and daughter.

It is hard, but it must be done. Make up your mind to start today. Be supportive, but in a productive way, that is the help he really needs.

[Togo]

Sounds to me like you are doing the best you can Nails. You are right on all counts, sometimes tough love is the only way, but it does not work for all, some see it as further justification to be more isolated. You may be right about him suffering from depression, a situation like his would make anyone depressed. Can he be persuaded to seek medical help? I also recognise your dilemma regarding giving him money. While you do he will take it, sometimes for granted, if you don't he will find another way to get his hands on cash. You are between the proverbial rock and a hard place my friend, and I hope it pans out OK for you. Have you tried advice from C.A.B.? They may be able to point you towards professional help, or at least give you some reassurances.

[nailit]

Thank you woofgang and Andy.
He's 20 yrs of age but in many ways quiet immature. When ive asked him to put something away he accuses me of having OCD, sometimes I have to nag him to have a bath because he smells. We argued this morning because I wouldn't put the washing machine on for just a few items...he has no concept that I have to pay bills or that Im trying to keep 2 of us on one lot of benefit money and he then accused ME of been a benefit scrounger. In some ways im actually hoping that he doesn't pay his fines and spends a couple of weeks at her majestys leisure.

[nailit]

Thanks TOGO, I don't know what help CAB can be when he wont help himself...

[SherryBea]

I don't think you need tough love ,you need to give him unconditional love and show it. Let him stay at your house, support him in ways to help him find ways to pay his fines. Show him you care abut him, not by demanding that he changes his ways, but by supporting him and helping him to change his outlook on life. Please don't abandon the Lad, Good Luck,

[nailit]

Thank you SherryBea. Up until a couple of weeks ago Id have agreed with you, ive always supported him throughout all his troubles. But I think there has to come a time when a relationship (of any kind) has to be a two way street.

[cassa333]

SherryBea,

Tough love is not abandonment and to do as you say can in effect be enabling the person to not take responsibility.

I suspect he has addled a few brain cells with the weed (I used to work in a shelter and have seen MANY instances of dopey people because of dope). I also have a friend that a relative was an enabler by giving unconditional love and now the relative I shall dead he has gone totally off the rails because he was never taught how to be a responsible adult.

Nailit I think the answers above SherryBea are better advice.

Tough love is NOT the easy option and you have to be strong for your son. Good luck

[SherryBea]

nailit I understand your frustration, he seems to be in a very dark place. I hope you can sort something out. Andy has a few good points, I personally could never put any of my children out on the streets however 'good' I thought it would be for them. Keep strong.

[SherryBea]

cassa, unconditional love is not enabling! Unconditional love means showing love despite bad behaviour it does not mean putting up with the bad behaviour. By showing someone you will stand by and support them TO GET BETTER, give them help and be behind them every step of the way, even when they try and fail, that's what I'm talking about. not telling then they can basically do what they want and you will still love them. (sorry for capitals but can't find a way to do italics)

[nailit]

Thank you cassa,
youre not wrong about dope smokers becoming dopey, seen it loads of times over the years.

[andy-hughes]

Sherrybea - // Andy has a few good points, I personally could never put any of my children out on the streets however 'good' I thought it would be for them. //

Walk a mile in my shoes ...

That was not done for my daughter's benefit - it was for the sake of her mother who was heading for a breakdown with the stress, her younger and baby sister who are all being dreadfully affected by the situation.

Letting a grown man abandon basic responsibilities like keeping his home tidy and himself clean is not 'loving' him in the way he needs.

Nailit Jnr. has to accept that if he is old enough to get into criminal trouble and old enough to smoke dope, then he is old enough to accept the responsibilities that come along with those things.

Treating him like he is five will encourage him to behave as though he is five. It won't work, and it won't help him to grow up.

[nailit]

// I understand your frustration, he seems to be in a very dark place//
Its a dark place largely of his own making and if I continue to feed/cloth him etc then surely im supporting him in remaining in a dark place.
Ive had plenty of 'dark' times myself over the years and everytime ive had to dig my own way out.

[nailit]

//Nailit Jnr. has to accept that if he is old enough to get into criminal trouble and old enough to smoke dope, then he is old enough to accept the responsibilities that come along with those things. //

That is becoming increasingly my own thought Andy

[SherryBea]

andy, your explanation just makes it worst for me, showing a child the door because mummy is upset and can't cope...anyway this is not about you Andy its about nailit's son

nailit, please don't make assumptions that people have not had it has hard as you. Some people have walked in shoes worse than yours. you said
"Hes my only child and I cant stand the thought of him walking the streets at night when he has a bed at mine. " I totally agree with you on this, it would just push him further into bad lifestyle choices.

[mallyh]

I do sympathise with you ,being in the same boat ,my son is a heroine addict and has no concept of paying bills etc .he just lost another job and we are keeping him in food laundry phone bill etc he is trying to get clean (again).I can't throw him out especially as it is cold ,oh wants him out so it causes argumets with us ,I love him but don't like him when he is on the drugs .he has an appointment with a drug centre yet again .could your son go to one of these where there are councillors and doctors to help .

[Togo]

Nails when I suggested C.A.B., I was not only thinking of your son. Perhaps they could be of some help to You. With impartial advice, and maybe put you in touch with and adult organisation that can help your sons homeless condition, and some funding.

[nailit]

This is my dilemma Sherry, I love my son and cant stand the thought of him getting in any more trouble etc BUT I cant continue to let him make a mug of me either.
As I said, Ive had my own share of lifes slings and arrows (prison, psych wards, homelessness) but ive still had to accept some responsibility before getting back on track

[pixie374]

He does need some guidance, nailit. Cab is a good idea for the practical side, maybe GP or counsellor-but you can only suggest and support him, the rest is up to him.

[nailit]

Thanks mallyh, what to do? My son doesn't think he has a problem...its everyone else. Guess you get the same from your son.