A mixture of plagiarised material

[Duncer]

I phoned the gym last week and asked if they could teach me to do the splits.
"How flexible are you?" asked the instructor.
I said "I can't make Wednesdays or Fridays"

I think my wife hates me. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

When I was on holiday last week I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I really should try to remember toilet paper next time.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not running up and down the aisles screaming like his passengers.

I watched a documentary last night on how ships are built. Riveting!

I took part in the Olympic sun-tanning competition but I just got bronze.

I'm not saying Michelle McManus is fat, but her favourite food is seconds.

My ife is so immature. I can be relaxing at home in the bath and she'll come in and sink all my ships.

I planned to drown all my troubles, but my wife resolutely refuses to go swimming.

I asked my doctor to give me something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

My neighbour started banging really loudly on my door at three this morning. Luckily he didn't ewaken me - I was still up playing my drums.

I've just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome; it started really badly but by the end I loved it.

Ten years after Chernobyl and I can't help wondering, why no superheroes yet?

When a homeless guy gets off a bus, how does he know it's his stop?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Finally, the problem with the gene pool is that there is no life guard.

[starone]

Some really good ones in there Duncer. lol.

[marval]

Good ones there

[JonnyBoy12]

Very very funny. Have you any more like this?

[beso]

Been 26 years since Chernobyl.