Ever a time when you just wish your kids would pull themselves together and get on with it. My daughter has been through some rough stuff because of my ex. He even kept me on sleeping pills so I would notice what was going on. He used to put them in my tea. She came through and I thought she was getting her life back together after some false starts. I just can't seem to get through to her. The thing is she always manages to drag her poor brother into her messes. She been through several boyfriends and has a child that she has chossen to let some one else bring up and this time I thought maybe she was on to something good but last night, while she was out for the evening with her brother and boyfriend she started to come on to her brothers friend in front of her boyfriend. This has resulted in her brother falling out with his best friend and problems with her current boyfriend. No I knwo that when she rings it will all be everyone elses fault dipite the fact she knows its not and I know that I shall get a mouth fll abuse from her telling me I have never been there for dispite the fact that it is certainly not true, I've been there every time she falls flat. I wasn't when it mattered with her dad but that one I will take to my grave. It just makes me angry when she does things like this. I went through abuse as a child at the hands of another family memeber but I got on with life and without social services and everyone else running round and picking up after me. My only mistake was not making sure they had the best dad possible. I don't know what to do any more. I feel like I don't want to hear from her again, but I am her mum and I know I will. But I know nothing I say or do will be right. Thanks for listening. I appreciate being able to right down how I feel wether I'm right or wrong.
tigerlily11 Sat 10/05/08 15:05
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It isn't a question I just needed to get stuff of my chest. I trust the people in here to listen because they often do. I don't particualrly care if your interested or not but if you have nothing better to say then go away.
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If your don't care why are you still reading.
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She's goin to have to learn to grow up and deal with her problems herself otherwise she will just keep makin stupid decisions.
So let her deal with herself.
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she sounds like she is very confused in herself, it may seem harsh but the only way she will learn is to make the mistakes herself, just be there for her when she comes unstuck and needs a shoulder or an ear.
she will get there in the end.
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Hi tiger, how are you? cazzz is right, your daughter needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions. Life can sometimes be unfair, but if you can control elements of it you should, and she needs to learn this. She can't make risky choices and then dish out blame to other people.
And she needs to stop serving up s**t to you too...She is a big girl now, you have tried very hard to be a good mum, and she should be appreciating this, not disrespecting you as she is. I am sure you know all of this, but sometimes it helps to hear it from others.
I don't know your daughter, so I don't know how best to approach it. If I were you I would just be honest though. Sit her down, tell her how you feel, and that you will always be her mum, but that she needs to go out and be her own person, and take responsibility for her own actions. Whether or not it pees her off, you are still making your point. You don't have to get mad or upset, just be honest and direct with her.
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TY JK,cazz and lee.
I really don't know what to do sometimes. She as been texting her stepdads phone moaning to him. Apparently it go well out of hand. The bloke she came on to has been a very good friend to my son when he had nothing. He looked after him, but he has a hrad reputation. He can be a problem but never to my son.
He has done nothing but take care of him, him and his girlfriend and I really appreciate that.
It just makes so fed up. It's one thing after another.
It has been for the past 8 years.
Oh well lets just see what happens.
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To be honest tiger, if your daughter was my daughter, I would be pretty p!55ed off! She has jeopardised your son's good friendship with her selfish actions, and I think it should be him telling her this too. She needs to grow up and get into the real world. She can't continue to behave in this way. It is totally unacceptable.
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Hes soft spot and because hes the oldest boy he thinks he need to be the one to keep things together. He does try. He such a good lad.
But like I said we shall see what happens.
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Mother and son need to work together to establish some boundaries for daughter, detirmine what is acceptable behaviour and what isnt, be united, stronger together, enough is enough, you sound like a strong woman, you can do it. best of luck and love x x
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Ah trigger puts it better and so much more succinctly than me!
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Your daughter will only truly forgive you when she is 100% sure that you actually get what you 'did' to her when she was growing up. Even though your 'only mistake was not making sure that they had the best Dad possible' and you weren't there for her 'when it mattered with her dad' and you are sorry for that, it makes no odds.
The fact that she is saying those things to you and seeking confirmation of her likeability from other men, means that no matter how many times you have said "Sorry"etc, she doesn't really think that you actually, really get how it made her feel and until she is convinced that you do 'get it' she will not change.
You need to really convince her that you get it from your heart - so that this time she belives you 100%.
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When you say her dad kept you on sleeping tablets so you didnt know what was happening, why didnt you not try and find out why you was slepping all the time? Or stop taking drinks from him as everytime he made you one, you fell asleep? Your daughter probably also has these questions in her mind and probably puts the blame on you which could be why she is abusive towards you!
And has your daughter had counciling because after going through such a traumtic experience, you need help!
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For your information Le chat I have been through just the same as she did from the age of 7. It stopped when I was in my 20's. My mother was not there for me but I do not blame her for what happened to me.
Why is that people just assume that the mother must have known. Have you been through this. As A mother or a victim. I have been on both ends of the line and to be honest you just make assumtions. I had no idea that sleeping pills were even in the house until my daughter told me that he had used them on her as well. It then hit me that was the reason I slept a lot. I had test to check for thyroid problems and so on. Nothing came up.
My mind started to work over time when I began to suspect there might be a problem because I was always fighting with my ex over his so called protectiveness of he SHe never did. I understand why because I also know how easy it is for abusers to . Why do you assume it is my fault or hers. Like I said unless you have been there you don't know.
Yes Lechat I do get it 100% I do know what she went through. I do get it and I am truely sorry that i didn't do more but I would like to see you in the same situation and see how you fare.
I had put this thread in because I was letting off steam, because sometimes people on here are good listeners with out making assumtions or judging people.
As I pointed out my failier to act will go with me to my grave.
Pepole like you really don't get it do you.
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Lechat - where do you get off?, this is a persons life, laying out her problems, she dont need your ignorance, take it somewhere else.
Tigger - right response babe x
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TY Trig. I'm sorry I let rip there a bit but right now I don't need it. Since I put this in I have spoken to my girl and the matter is finished. To my absolute pride and joy she has not done what she has done so many times before.
She is all the things I ever hoped she could have been and she is passed the worst. This still does not end my guilt. As I said this will go with me to the grave.
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Well this is this answerbank where opinions and comments are swapped and discussed, so I was only giving my opinion, with the very limited facts given. (which is only what any of us can do) I was not in fact, just spouting off any old junk, what I said was based on the experience of my best friend. She has 8 brothers and sisters and their mother walked out and left them when she was young - just went one day. Anyway, although this is obviously a very different scenario to yours, my friend has 'got over it' as you say, whilst her 7 siblings have been anorexic, junkie, in jail and had lots of emotional problems as a result of what happened. So what I am saying is that every person internalizes events differently and your daughter may not have your fabulous strength of character, like the 7 siblings of my friend don't. So I don't think it's enough to say that you turned out ok , so why can't she?
For the rest of the stuff I wrote, it was a classic Dr Phil answer, which generally evokes the same reaction from whoever he is talking to on the show, as it did with you.
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Yes Lechat it is very very different. I don't know under what circumstance ur friends mother left. I cannot say why ur friend made it through and her siblings didn't.
I don't take much stock in anything a tv Dr would say. Half of what they dish out is designed to get a reaction the audiance would like.
I can't say why some recover better than others. Why a woman who was raped once could go to pieces and a woman who has been raped a lot of her life would get by.
Your opinion did not take into account what I had said. I never actually asked for answers although I am extremely greatful for all the kind words on here. It matters to me to have a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend even if there is no answer for whats happening.
I hope ur friends siblings find their answers where ever it may be. There are no perfect parents but there are no perfect children either.
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I'm sorry tigerlily but I took it as a question, which was "Is there ever a time when you just wish your kids would pull themselves together and just get on with it?."
Apologies for my misinterpretation and to any upset caused, it was really not my intention. Occasionally It just reads back quite severe but if I had said it out loud, with the appropriate intonation, etc, it would not sound so accusing...which is how you have seen it.
I'll get me bag................
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No problem Lechat.
Don't get ur bag quite yet. It is hard to know what to say when ur confronted by someones heart. I am absolutly rubbish at it.
Some one who u know has been treated badly as I expect u and ur friend see it. I can understand how she might feel. My mother had me at 43 and by the time I should have began to get to know her as a person she was suffering from dementia and didn't even recognise me.
In a sense she left me when my dad died when I was 14.
Being left with a woman who should have been looking after me instead of the other way round should have left me resentful but I figure I can't change the past so why worry about it. It's gone.
I didn't see her for 3 years before she died and it wouldn't have made any difference if I had. She didn't know me. The lady I knew had gone but I feel like shes just in another room along with my dad.
It's a hard old world and people do what they think they must. May be your friends mum felt like she couldn't be a good mum I don't know but it can't be changed. As I said I hope they find some piece eventually.
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