breaking up is hard to do...

[Hazel104]

This is a long one.......please be gentle it’s a bit of a vent as I do not have anyone else to talk to and writing things down helps me sort my head out.

I have been with him for 7 years. We do not have sex, maybe 3-4 times in last two years.
know earlier this year he fancied a woman he works with, there was a ‘do’ and he put loads of effort in new clothes, so bloomin obvious! Anyway he came home in foul mood ‘cause she kissed someone, he admitted he liked her. I found condoms in his jeans the next day so know the intention was there if she was interested.
I have not said anything about finding them, I tried at the time but he got so upset I dropped it without really dealing with it. I do know that he has not cheated – but who knows in the future.

Thing is I feel he would be lost without me, he suffers from bouts of severe depression has said he could not cope without me and has had suicidal thought before.
He is a good person at heart and despite all this my best friend.
I also love his son very much and know he would be upset if we split, I worry about the affect this would have on him although he does not live with us. I would probably lose contact with him as well; I hate the thought of that as well.

I have lost contact with a lot of friends, not because he has asked me to but because he is not sociable and I got fed up making excuses so it was easier to let the friendships slide. He does encourage me to stay in contact with people and in fact recently I have been and he is happy for me. This is awful.

[123everton]

You sound like you need to needed.
It sounds like this relationship is coming to an end, he wants a new crutch.
Difficult choices, difficult times lie ahead, I think you'll make the right decision, I think you already know the answer.

[supersuezy24]

I'd probably be inclined to ask about the condoms you found, see what he says, his reasoning for doing so etc..have you both addressed the lack of sex etc?

[jaydah]

Ride the storm and see what tomorrow brings for now. You're secure at present I presume and content with all but his 'flirtings'. You could wake him up by some flirting yourself; amazing how blokes get possessive when there's a risk to them.

[Hazel104]

I think Everton is spot on with being needed I am a 'fixer'.
Do you think I have left that convo too long Suezy? Not really no we have talked about it but we both make excuses, we're busy/ tired blah blah. Honestly I think it's 'cause he doesn’t actually fancy me and I fell far too self conscious to do anything about it.

[China Doll]

His depression is no reason for you to stay in a relationship where he is frankly taking the proverbial. You are not responsible for his mental health, he is.

You need to balance out what you get out of this relationship that is good in order to decide whether it is worth staying in. Frankly, rudies 3-4 times a year, an intent to cheat on me AND emtional blackmai using mental health issues/depression as an excuse would be enough for me to change the locks but this is your relationship and you must do what you feel will benefit you most in the long term.

[ummmm]

Why don't you have sex?

[vibrasphere]

are you stuck as an emotional crutch?, who is looking after you and your needs?

from what you discribe you are not a girlfriend or partner, can this this be put right?

[Booldawg]

sounds like he's dragging you down mentally. He's already planted the seed with the 'I can't live without you' to physcologically bully you into being with him.

Some people do go off sex, but when he's blatantly interested in someone else thats a big indicator that theres deeper problems within the relationship.

As Everton said - you know the answer already -somehow it cements it to hear other people agree with you. Life's too short to remain in a relationship that doesnt work.

[lumination]

do you still love him? if you dont then maybe, and this may be a bit of a weird answer, but let him cheat. then you have an excuse to break it off.

[Hazel104]

I know China, I say the same to myself, but just starting to look at full on iyswim?

Me personally ummm, I have 0 confidence in myself now, the thought of it terrifies me! I used to love it ;-(

Vibra No one, I look after me. I think thats part of the problem I am a bit tired of looking after someone and I have plans that will not give much time to be looking after anyone else tbh.

Lumination I agree - I wish i had taken thatchance at the time. Maybe he is more manipulative than i give him credit for.

I must say your all very good, spot on. thank you.

[ummmm]

It's not fair on him to live sex free either..I think I would feel really unloved if my partner didn't want to have sex.

[Hazel104]

ummm I'm not the one that stopped it.

[Booldawg]

weeeellll...if you're looking for someone to flirt with *winks*

[ummmm]

I thought you was saying it's because of you personally.

You can't let someone damage your confidence like that.

[Hazel104]

It stopped during a bad bout of depression when he was made redundant. i tried once he sarted working again but then he was too worn out etc, I gave up in the end.

[mazie]

He doesn't want to have sex with you Hazel but he took condoms to a party hoping to have sex with a work mate, have I read that properly?

[ummmm]

Which must be a massive kick in the teeth.

[China Doll]

You did indeed mazie.

[lumination]

sounds a bit like your more of his carer than a girlfriend. i mean 3 or 4 times having sex in 2 years? thats not right, if someone wants you then they basically want to get in your pants too lol. maybe he has a problem in that department which is why he is distant???

[Hazel104]

yeah, it does look bad in black and white. God I'm a twit! You think your so strong and really you're getting walked over.

Think i might have cup of tea and cry ;-(