Hi there. I have a fantastic husband apart from in one department. He is quite unsocial. Not anti-social. He just doesn't initiate conversation with people and stands there like a lemon when I am chatting to others. He is well liked within his own group of friends, however, none of them lives near us, so it is always me that arranges any social activity, with my friends.
I find it a big strain when we go out, as the onus is always on me to keep it all flowing. For example, the school fete yesterday, I made a point of going and chatting to several of the other parents, whilst he just stood there. If there was ever a lull in conversation, he is never there to back me up, so to speak and I now find these situations quite exhausting.
I have friends of my own and a social life but it is always up to me to organise and keep it all together. I am not an extrovert myself but always make an effort with people and am genuinely interested in them.
Does anyone else have a partner like this? Does anyone have any tips? I know he isn't going to change, so maybe I just need some of you who are in the same boat to empathise!
Le Chat Sun 29/06/08 19:09
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Is he shy? I used to be like this myself but have learnt to put myself forward - I used to have a mental list of about ten questions...... How old are your children, Is this the first time you have been here, Those earrings are pretty etc
No one ever believes me when I say I am naturally shy!
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I know exactly what you mean le chat. My wife is very similar and it's actually something that we've never discussed because i reralise that's her personality. It used to bug me just like you, that I had to make all the running but I've just got used to it (over the last 20 years) and I try to involve her as much as possible. She's much better when shes had a couple of drinks.
I just don't think it's something you can change, as you seem to have realised. Just try to accept that this is the way he is.
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Well some people like the company of others and some don't. If your husband is uncomfortable in social situations, then you shouldn't encourage him to take part.
I personally like my own company and don't need to have friends around me all the time. I choose if and when I want to see them. If you want to maintain a social life, then perhaps you should do it alone, there's nothing written in stone to say couples must socialise together and do the same things together.
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Question Author
Thanks for your responses thus far!
Alibobs - He isn't really shy and on the surface you would think he is a chatterer, which he is when you really get to know him. He is happy with how he is, as he's not looking for new friends and is not into going out like me. In fact I'd go as far as to say it's me who uses your list of 10 questions as I have had to push myself as i am/was naturally a bit shy. Maybe that is the reason it annoys me, as I am shy but have always tried hard, whereas he does not! I have just had a psychological breakthrough! Thank you Ali!
noknowledge - I am not a gabbler, so the answer to your question is no!
RoaldoM - Thank you for your empathy! He doesn't drink really, so I don't know what he's like tipsy even!
Velvetee - Thankyou for your perspective. I do now socialise mostly without him, as I find it easier, although I would prefer it to be with him. I have accepted that, although I suppose I wouldn't be posting the question if I had accepted it really!!
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I find mysef standing by like a lemon whilst my wife is chatting to all and sundry about this and that, usually though it so one of her friends who I have never met and they just chat about play groups and kids and stuf, or generally stuff that doesn't really involve me.
The saving grace is when one of these women has their partner nearby looking equally 'lemony' so that we can both breakaway from the women and talk about other things.
Listening to people chattering about combined events that you are not involved in leaves you out on a limb really, although you can still have the odd input.
Perhaps rather than doing your own nattering, invite and involve him into the conversation with an intro, such as oh Mr Chat was saying the other day....were'nt you dear...
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i have a brother-in-law who's like this. my sister said his reason for him remaining quiet is because he's intimidated by most because of his educational background and he's afraid he might say the wrong thing.
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Question Author
Octavius - I understand what you're saying but unfortunately, he doesn't even chat to the 'other fella', which is why it's so obvious. The funny thing is, is that he is a sales manager and has the gift of the gab in that area!
Zabo - You have a very good point. He is slightly an 'inverted snob' in that he has a very Liverpudlian WC background and the area he joined me to live is quite the opposite. Once when we went to a 'black tie' wedding, he said he felt very uncomfortable.
Lucy - I never put pressure on him. In fact I would rather go by myself now, as it takes away the option of hope that he may be even a tad social. We're talking no 'hello's' here!
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not meaning to be rude, but he seems to enjoy himself without these dos, so perhaps you are just taking him along to make your evening more enjoyable? In which case it is probably counterproductive: it is making them more stressful for you and he's probably not liking it much either. I don't know whether he's shy or antisocial - maybe like me he's just hard of hearing and has trouble keeping up? Whatever, you'll probably both have a better time if you go alone or with a more talkative friend and he stays home doing what he prefers to do.
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jno, very true, I am a bit like that as well with the hearing.
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Question Author
jno - It's actually me who's hard of hearing!!
Lucy Thomas - English Teacher ?! I do have English Lit & Land A level but sometimes, when you are in a rush, like this morning, you just can't be arsed!!
Anyway, thanks for all your contributions people, much appreciated....and strangely enough, tonight at the meeting for our eldest son's new school, he actually spoke to a couple of people!! He must have read my question, that's all I can think of!!!
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Some men, no matter what they are like at home or work can be very 'lemony' when out.
Mine is a lemon and other people sometimes comment on it. However he seems to enjoy himself and doesn't object to be dragged along to the things I want to go to.
Just accept that he is who he is and if he doesn't want to go then fine but if he does he will enjoy it for what he gets out of it.
How would he feel if you went on your own? would he mind?
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Without being funny Le Chat, maybe he just can't be arsed. He may be happy with himself, you and the friends he's got, and doesn't see the need to make small talk. Does he even want to go to these events or does he go to avoid friction? His behaviour may seem 'lemon' like or even rude, but if that's him, that's him...
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Question Author
Very late reply from me but McNoodle, I smiled at your reply because it is the truth. He just can't be arsed! He's not looking for new friends and is happy not trying to make others feel comfortable socially!!! Cheers for hitting the nail on the head!! x
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I only know because he sounds like me!
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I think a lot of us are like that, he sounds a bit like me as well. :-)
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with my other half i cant get a word in .;;;lucky u lol
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