I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said "You remind me of my little toe!" She said "Is that because I’m small and cute?" I replied "No, it's because I’ll probably end up banging... ...
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When... ...
Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him... ...
Some idiot at the office turned up for work with sticky hair, I said to him "why on earth did you come to work looking like that" "He said, well, the label on the jar said... ...
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,... ...
Just bought a humpty dumpty toy from Aldi. It's brilliant, it comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men. ___ Managed to get hold of a box of counterfeit Mr Kipling Apple tarts. They're... ...
When I was younger, I said to my dad: "Can I use the lawnmower to make some extra money?" "Sure son, you go ahead". So I sold it! ___ A guy lives with his wife in the same little town where they both... ...
An elderly man answered a knock at the door, and the caller said, "I'm collecting on behalf of the save our swimming pool calpain and all donations will be greatly received. The elderly man said... ...
I went into a caravan showroom the other day and said to the salesman: "I'd like to buy a motorhome." He said "Camper?" I said "Oooo, get you, I'd like to buy a motorhome, sweety." ___ "What am I going... ...
....heard from a mate, he has a date from a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin. The trouble is, he can't remember if he's taking her out Thursday or Friday.
My grandson loves the jokes of this form... Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head? A: Jack I have several but you get the idea, looking for ones I don't know.
I looked out of my window and saw some guy in my garden, he was wearing a baseball cap, tennis shoes and a rugby shirt. I shouted to him, what's your game ??
A lady of the night was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest... ...
I was having a drink in the mermaid inn last night, when I overheard a woman say "I like to lay on the beach, myself but my other half likes to be in the sea"